The journey of forgiveness when it feels impossible

“If you feel you cannot forgive, 
it is enough that you want to forgive.”
—Unknown

Forgiveness is hard for many people, yet it’s easy for others.  It’s no credit to those who find it easy, they perhaps have not faced harsh betrayal where there was no reconciliation to justice.

It’s also no condemnation to those who find forgiveness hard, for theirs is a journey of searching out the wisdom and heart change they seek.  There is probably no journey more difficult in all of life than forgiving in the face of unreconciled injustice.

The journey can take years, even decades.

It’s not my belief that a person who finds it impossible to forgive a situation will always feel that way OR that they are to be condemned that they find forgiveness is beyond achievement.

There are always good reasons why people struggle with forgiveness—and many of these reasons is related to trauma.

The person who finds it impossible to forgive but who also wants to forgive is already in a place of doing all that can be asked of them.  This world is not perfect, nor are any of us.  Imperfections are allowed.  But on top of this, reconciling injustice derails most people who have been transgressed.

The person who wants to forgive but still finds it so hard to do has usually tried several times to do it.  They have experienced significant frustration going around and around that cycle of wanting to, searching for how to, mustering up the faith to do it, feeling emotionally exhausted, feeling frustrated and guilty that they went to all this effort for such little result.

Forgiving people who have just moved on without having to face the injustice they caused is excruciatingly hard.  No matter how important forgiveness is, there is still the sense that it’s useless and hopeless anyway because it doesn’t seem to make any difference.

As the person who is doing the forgiveness without reparation of the relationship or justice done, the person can feel as if it’s a lose-lose situation no matter what they do.

Knowing that there are certain injustices that we may take to our graves may not seem to help, other than to know we’re not alone.  Identification can be made with those who have suffered grave injustices.  Identification can also be made with the God who sees everything and who will ultimately have the final word.  Inevitably that is usually enough, but it’s still a process.

If you’re in a place of feeling it’s impossible to forgive a person or situation, take heart enough to know it’s good enough that you want to forgive.  You’re not condemned if you can’t forgive yet.  Imagine God empathising with you on your complicated journey of unpacking trauma.

The last thing anyone needs when they’re struggling to forgive is to feel guilty, ashamed, or worst condemned.  There is always a valid reason for those who would rather forgive but can’t yet.  The valid reason is usually linked to trauma.  Faith says to these situations, “Just keep trusting.”

The wisdom in forgiving when it feels impossible is in backing off, healing the trauma, trusting THAT process.  Forgiving usually occurs AFTER embarking on the journey of empathy for what was suffered.