Building Fences that Bring Freedom

Building fences that bring freedom.  Doesn’t sound very friendly or loving, does it?  But perhaps it’s the only way to love someone in a certain situation.

Sometimes what keeps us in the game of love are boundaries that make continued connection possible.  If it weren’t for learning and application of learned wisdom, there might not be a relationship.

Divorce stands as a presentation of the reality of toxic elements that force a conclusion.  Ask many people who’ve been through divorce, and we’d hear many stories of years of bearing with another before the decision to break came.

Thankfully we no longer live in a day where divorce is frowned upon carte blanche, for God permits divorce, and not just for those “hard of heart,” for example, the men in ancient times who would “put away” their wives for burning the dinner.

Thankfully society more and more these days understands that it’s intolerable for a person to endure domestic and family violence—which is not always overtly physical, and many times isn’t.  Threats of terror can occur and there will never be a single bruise.  Yes, it’s still abuse.

We can and need to build fences that bring freedom in the relationship where the other person drives the agenda and permits no freedom.  Or when we know we have no voice.  Or when we feel anxious around the person.  Or with anyone we just don’t feel comfortable with.  And we don’t always need to be able to explain a gut feeling.

The matter of building a fence that’ll bring freedom is not just something we’re wise to do, it’s also something that those closest to us often need us to do.

Where there are dysfunctional dynamics that we cannot shift or control, we need to do something to restore the relational balance.  We need our empowerment not simply to enjoy life; we need it to survive.

How do we build a fence in the right circumstance to bring us and others the freedom that’s needed?

Maybe these suggestions might help:

1.             Identify the person or people that cause us distress, and study how they tend to operate to exploit our vulnerabilities—assuming it’s deliberate

2.             Identify the opportunities they take, and how they swoop on those opportunities

3.             Try to be and stay curious, resisting an emotional response (which would be understandable), preferring instead to be as objective as possible.  This helps us see and assess what we need to

4.             Accept that building a fence will be the best way to maintain what is needed from the relationship—comprehending that one person’s actions shouldn’t be able to harm others without there being recourse for appropriate defence and protection

5.             Think about the situations we’ve endured, and try to understand what worked in our response from what didn’t work—to do more of what worked and to do less of what didn’t

6.             Think about the situations that are coming up in the near future.  If any of these are really concerning and anxiety-inducing, can we seek support or mentoring?

7.             It’s beneficial for us to have answers prepared in advance if the person we’re building distance with tells us they’ve noticed a difference.  Be wary of being truthful.  That might sound wrong but being truthful is a vulnerability works against us in some relationships

8.             Overall, we try to anticipate what might come and our possible responses to problematic behaviour without committing to a course of action because there are always nuances in the moment that must be catered for

9.             The more we stand apart from ourselves, the more perspective we’ll have, the more empowered we’ll feel, especially in vulnerable situations—again, we can try to be more curious and hence objective

10.          Whenever we do react, instead of responding, instead of getting down on ourselves, we’re best to simply ask, “What can I learn from this situation?”

We can remember that boundaries exist for a reason.  They provide safety in situations that are clearly unsafe.  Boundaries come about as a response to poor behaviour.  They’re never an initiation activity.  They’re always an activity of responding to what we cannot change.

Building a fence doesn’t sound a nice thing to do in a relational context, but we need to remember we didn’t start this.  The other person did.  Boundaries make it possible that there would even be a semblance of continuing relationship.