Listening to anger to understand anxiety

Unconscious anxiety, I’ve found, has often been buried deep beneath anger, whether it’s visible frustration with myself or irritability with others or just a general distress.  I see it in myself and others when there’s no time to be gentle and kind toward others and ourselves.

I see it when I respond unkindly (usually and mostly in the home), and every time I analyse why I’ve been grumpy, it’s always because I have a concern or worry or fear or sadness that I can’t do anything about.  The anxiety has a helplessness about it.

A lack of gentleness toward others is a clue to me that I’m not being gentle with myself.

In sum, emotional intelligence is the capacity to be gentle and kind with ourselves and others.  If we’re gentle and kind with ourselves it works out that others are treated well.  Real emotional intelligence is achieved when we can be gentle and kind with others who aren’t, without being their doormat to the extent that they walk over our boundaries.

Real emotional intelligence is standing firm with a smile.

But anger is a shameful thing because it’s evidence that we’ve lost control.  No thinking, feeling human being is comfortable spilling their vitriol over others, just as nobody ought to use their anger against themselves.

When someone does spray their bile at us, and they cannot and will not see the error of their way, they turn away from their own healing, because frankly they’ll not be interested in your healing, if they’re not interested in their own—they mock the concept of seeking healing as a weakness.

If only they knew that their denial is the truest form of weakness because it’s encapsulated in fear.

No, those who behave with narcissistic intent (with entitlement to exploit with no empathy) are set on the goal of destruction.  Their number one weapon is unmerited, unrepented anger, and wherever a target is hit, anger always ends up being a boomerang.

Nobody should be demonised for their anger, for that only makes the shame worse.  If someone won’t do something about their anger, let them face the natural consequences, but the person who does do something to face their anger will see the engine room of anxiety powering the negative emotions underneath.

Every emotionally capable person deals with anxiety.  It’s nothing to be feared; on the contrary, anxiety is truth’s invitation to face it, learn from it, reconcile it through apology, to cope beyond it, and grow in humility accordingly.

Anger needn’t be the huge issue we make of it if only we can be humble enough to say that it’s there, it’s real, it’s harmful to relationships when it’s not reconciled.

All anyone needs to do about their anger is just be honest; “Look, I don’t know why I’m angry at the moment, but I do know it’s founded in the anxiety in me at present.  Please forgive me, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Listening to anger to understand anxiety is a true concern for the real cause of the anger.  Only when we listen non-judgmentally to our anger are we open to learning about our anxiety.

Photo by Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash