What breaks relationships, opting for what makes relationships safe

There’s something we’re all called to spend our time doing and there’s equally something else we’re called to stop doing; we’re to congregate with safe people and equally it’s incumbent on us to remove — wherever it’s possible — toxic people from our lives.

You might think the latter part of that previous paragraph is a bit harsh.  Consider the outcome for NOT making an exit when you can.  That toxicity becomes us, and trauma sticks like a blade in the frost.  Once trauma has found its way inside our bodies we’re forced to adapt to, and to accept, hypervigilance — the very presence of flight fear.

But... safe relationships create the space of home and healing.

And what makes relationships safe is their inherent equality.

When two or more people, or groups, relate with one another in ways where neither demands something that hasn’t been previously agreed — without coercion — trust is garnered, respect is felt, faith is free, hope prevails, and peace abides.  And joy.  We were made for joyous relationship.  

Safe relationships pay handsomely toward the realisation of the abundant life.  And BOTH enjoy it.

EQUALITY IN UNEQUAL RELATIONSHIPS

Equality respects hierarchal structure where one has the role of supervising another.

The supervisor is not better, they don’t deserve more attention, they don’t have the right of getting their own way more often; but there is a role to be played, to direct the work.

There is space for feedback, and a safe supervisory relationship is always genuinely collaborative, especially where consultation is necessary.  That doesn’t mean the supervising person only ever asks their worker their view when only one option can be decided upon.

If that’s the case the worker knows their view is neither needed nor valued or respected.  People know when they’re not truly being considered.  How we feel when we’re being manipulated is a tell-tale sign.  We never forget how people make us feel when they treat us certain ways.

Good supervisory relationships, however, respect the relationship enough to genuinely consult; the leader still has the right of veto.  Safe people genuinely want others’ viewpoints because they’re humble enough to know they don’t have the market cornered on wisdom.

ONE REASON WE CAN BE THANKFUL 

We can be thankful for unsafe relationships that we’re rid of.  Because they’ve ended.  This is one reason we can celebrate even if we have suffered abuse — their punitive, exploitative influence is no longer in our lives.

We’ve learned something important in a deep way, and such learning is good in that it equips us to warn others.

Knowing who are safe from those who are unsafe helps us incredibly much as we begin to sow into relationships with safer people, all the while holding narcissistic people at a half arm’s length from our emotions.

There is no point investing our emotions with narcissists if at all we can help it.

They love that kind of control.

We can be thankful that we’ve learned to toughen up with these people whilst learning we can be vulnerable with the safe ones.

What breaks relationships is inherent inequality where a power broker exudes their power, or where a person or group exerts power coercively.  What makes relationships is the quality of the powerful one to make the relationship equal, or where there is no inherent inequality, where neither demands control nor coerces the other.

Safe relationships are the best.  They are a very real glimpse of heaven on earth.

Photo by Amy Humphries on Unsplash