If I were to ask you if you’ve had any conflict in the last week, I would imagine you would say yes. The truth is conflict is littered through every area of our lives. And that’s just the interpersonal conflict — with others. There is also the matter of intrapersonal conflict, i.e. grief, anxiety, depression and the like. Conflict is a normal part of everyday life, whether it is with other people or within us. It’s in our workplaces, in our families, on the news, on the roads, and in the shops. Conflict intrigues us, but it also destroys relationships and lives.
If we are Christian, we probably resonate with the pivotal verse of Jesus in the beatitudes: “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” (Matthew 5:9) If we reverse that, we quickly find that if we are children of God, we are also to be peacemakers. The word “called” in that verse is pertinent; it reminds us that people who don’t know God will see something godly about us when we are behaving as peacemakers. That’s an evangelistic role and purpose.
CONFLICT IN OUR WORLD
Grounding these principles is important. Let’s take a marriage scenario. It isn’t uncommon in marriage for partners to struggle with clarifying and accepting their roles, their contributions, and their habits, whilst also trying to reconcile issues around intimacy, expectations, communication, and conflict styles. It isn’t unusual for marriages to feature entrenched conflict, where partners feel marooned in the same tired patterns, and these aren’t even marriages that are inherently abusive. Conflict arises out of so many areas of misunderstanding, miscommunication, unrealistic expectations, etc. Marriage is a breeding ground for conflict. But I don’t say this to make it seem hopeless. On the contrary, there is great reason for hope.
Marriages aren’t the only relational entity to suffer under the tyranny of entrenched conflict. Confounding conflicts happen in churches and in workplaces and in every organisation. Where power structures lord it over the weak, it is all too easy for a leadership to decide the fate of people where outcomes are grossly unjust. Malevolence and manipulation, however, can happen in any level of any organisation, but it is within the heart of every believer that a common problem resides. It isn’t only narcissism that we need to be on guard about, but the extraordinarily normal presence of idols that exist in all our hearts.
One thing we need to acknowledge at this point, however, is biblical peacemaking meets its match in circumstances of abuse. Whenever we talk about domestic violence or other abuses, we must reconcile that collaborative approaches have little effectiveness. Biblical peacemaking is contingent on repentance, and in abuse the status quo is a lack of repentance.
Normal everyday conflicts can be negotiated through biblical peacemaking, just as entrenched conflicts may be resolved through a peacemaking mediation process. Even in the most entrenched conflicts there is the hope of the gospel for peace between warring parties.
CONFLICT IN THE BIBLE
Biblical peacemaking is the hope that Christians need as they endeavour to reconcile issues with their brothers and sisters in Christ. As they open their Bibles, they may see just about every page involves conflict, from Adam and Eve at the Fall, to Cain and Abel, to Abram and Lot, Joseph and his brothers, Moses and the man he murdered, and the prophets who continually in conflict. Paul was in conflict with the Corinthians, and then there’s the impasse between Paul and Barnabas. Jesus seemed to be almost continually in conflict with the Pharisees. Saul and David are another example, and perhaps an example of abuse. The Psalms are pregnant with conflict, and the history of Israel is a story of a wayward nation trying very often unsuccessfully to walk the way of God. What makes our Bible so relevant is that it features everyday conflict drama in just about every chapter. It glosses over none of the unsavoury issues of life and it refuses to sugar-coat the deeper moral issues raised in terms of the narratives it tells.
WHAT IS CONFLICT?
Ken Sande in The Peacemaker defines conflict as, “A difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone’s goals or desires.” It isn’t just a difference in opinion or purpose. It must be combined with the frustration element. It must create angst between people. Causes of conflict in the Bible emanate from misunderstandings (e.g. tribes of Israel in terms of territory and an altar in Joshua 22:10-34), differences and prejudices (1 Corinthians 12:12-31), competition (e.g. Abram and Lot in Genesis 13:1-12), stubbornness and animosity (e.g. the paroxysm between Paul and Barnabas in Acts 15:36-39), and sinful desires (James 4:1-2).
What James (4:1-2) says is especially poignant, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want.” Strong words, perhaps, but they are nevertheless truthful. There are three responses to conflict: to escape, to attack, and to make peace, and the first two are the default responses.
All of humanity’s problems stem from the first conflict when Adam and Eve broke God’s only commandment. And yet, in God’s response we see the earliest prophecy (Genesis 3:15) that Jesus would come to make peace between God and all humanity. It would need God to do only what God could do. Only Jesus could drink from that cup. In becoming the ultimate peacemaker, we see how we can join the peacemaking effort.
In the Bible, conflict is neither good nor bad, but we can see how God uses conflict to grow us up. Tim Otter in Oriented to Faith says, “Some might argue that the Holy Spirit makes us good people who know longer get into conflicts. The Biblical witness recognises conflict as an integral part of what God uses to grow us up!” Of course, it’s our response that makes all the difference.
THREE OPPORTUNITIES IN CONFLICT
When we say that conflict is an opportunity, people can begin to look at us sideways. “Okay, like how?” Fair question. If God is going to use conflict to grow us up, it potentially has a good purpose. We may well ask then, what opportunities lie in wait for us as we engage within conflict as peacemakers? There are three opportunities: 1) to glorify God, which we see in 1 Corinthians 10:31 — “whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” 2) to serve others by being kind to them. We may ask why? There are at least four reasons: because in being kind no harm is done, because we can, because it honours God, and because it is easier and wiser in the long run. 3) to become more like Jesus, which we see in 1 Corinthians 11:1 and Ephesians 5:1. As we turn to Jesus in conflict, we become wiser, more loving and kinder.
Of course, to believe that conflict is an opportunity is a radical rethinking of conflict and a rerouting of our response. It takes the heart-thumping and head-bumping situation of conflict and turns it on its head. It puts in correct context the idea that Paul had in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, when he said that the troubles we have in the world are light and momentary as compared to the unseen majesties in the eternal.
PEACEMAKING – THE 4G PROCESS
Peacemaking is a four-stage process as conceived by Ken Sande in The Peacemaker. First, we must glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31) by going vertical in our concern for righteousness. Second, to have any hope of doing any good in the conflict, we must get the log out of our own eye (Matthew 7:3-5). Third, only once we have truly reflected on our own part in a conflict, and we have owned what we need to be humble about, can we restore the other party gently (Galatians 6:1-2). Fourth, and finally, once we have settled accounts, once both parties have apologised and forgiveness has been requested and granted, we can go and be reconciled (Matthew 5:23-24).
1. Glorifying God – this is about asking the question “How do I please and honour God in this situation?” This is where we go vertical in prayer and ask God to give us bearing, and insight, and the ability to see what is truly necessary to see, to ask God, “What am I missing here?” It is truly the admission, “I need you, God!” It is the utterance of the prayer in Psalm 139:23-24 — “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try (or test) me and know my anxious thoughts! And see if there is any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” And in glorifying God, we are agreeing to pause and use what the psychologists would call our higher order thinking, which comes from the neocortex, and to not rely on the limbic system where amygdala hijack leaves us responding like reptiles. Only in the humility of pausing and reflecting do we have the ability to ask, “Where is the opportunity in this, Lord?”
2. Getting the log out of your eye – having prayed that Psalm 139:23-24 prayer, this is about asking the question, “How can I show Jesus’ work in me by taking responsibility for my contribution to this conflict?” When we are truly focused on getting the log out of our own eye, the speck in the other person’s eye feels far less important. And indeed, this is freeing, because we stay in what psychologists call an internal locus of control when we see we have the power and capacity to make change — things don’t just happen to us, and we have power over our own destiny. The fact of the matter is, unless in some extreme cases, we will have some personal contribution to the conflict. To do this work requires a little heart surgery, to identify the idols — those desires that have become demands. Again, in the spirit of Psalm 139:23-24, we earnestly ask God, “Show me my sin and my dishonesty, and keep me there, Lord, where I may not harm myself or others.” When we harm ourselves, we are escaping and peace-faking. When we are harming others, we are attacking and peace-breaking. In identifying these, we have the opportunity to prepare an apology, which is multifaceted. We address everyone involved, avoid if, but, and maybe, admit specifically what we did wrong, acknowledge the hurt, accept the consequences, alter our behaviour, and ask for forgiveness. When a true apology is given, hitting all these seven A’s, the other party most often sees our sincerity. None of this is easy, because seeing and owning our own part requires a great deal of humility. Ultimately, I have to agree that my relationships have no chance unless I work on me. We see here God’s inherent interest in our fruit of repentance. (And yes, that goes for the other person, too.)
3. Restore gently – this is about asking the question, “How can I lovingly serve others by helping them take responsibility for their contribution to this situation?” Having prepared our apology, we go and make it with all sincerity, prayerfully considering our approach and timing, affirming our relationship, seeking to understand your interests, and prepared to search for creative solutions — especially in regard to negotiating material issues. We recognise that the Bible calls us (e.g. Matthew 5:23-24) to be the one to lovingly raise issues, both in terms of our behaviour, but also in terms of other people’s behaviour. A big part of this step in the process is adhering to wise principles in how to handle crucial conversations. We prepare to speak the truth in love, using all our interpersonal skills and being wise about timing and body language and believing the best. We go in there knowing that where there are strong emotions, high stakes, and differing opinions it will be necessary to reaffirm the importance of the relationship, and to reassure around safety. This step in the process is about tending to the relationship whilst also recognising there may be material issues to be negotiated.
4. Go and be reconciled – in this step we are asking, “How can I demonstrate the forgiveness of God and encourage reasonable solution?” Having offered forgiveness and having received it, this step is about ensuring that the forgiven stay forgiven. That as we walk away reconciled, we don’t slide back into conflict through unforgiveness. We recognise that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling; that it is not forgetting, but it is choosing to be kind and to forgive despite what happened; that it is not giving permission for someone to keep hurting us, but choosing to not hold it against them; that it is not acting like there are no consequences for what happened. It involves four promises: 1) I will not dwell on this incident. 2) I will not bring this incident up and use it against you. 3) I will not talk to others about this incident. 4) I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship. Of course, these four promises only apply to bilateral forgiveness.
THE ‘MAKE PEACE’ RESPONSE
In the most simplistic of terms, there are three core ‘make peace’ responses. 1) to overlook small and non-repeated offences. 2) to talk to the other party or parties about incidences that can’t be overlooked. 3) to get help when talking does no good or would be inappropriate (e.g. if it’s unsafe). Peacemaking in principle teaches when and how to overlook offences done to us, when and how to talk to the other person or people, and when and how to get help when it is clear talking is either dangerous or has done no good.
JESUS SAID, ONE FINAL COMMAND I GIVE YOU — LOVE ONE ANOTHER
When Jesus issued his one final command that he repeated in different ways in John 13, 15 and 17, it was stated as both an imperative and subjunctive in the Greek grammar, meaning that it was not only a command, but it was a deep wish as well. He said, “as I have loved you, so you must love one another.” That’s a very high standard. Jesus maintain this in John 17: 20-23, where he implored the disciples to be one, just as he and the Father are one. That’s another tall order. Just think of the evangelistic possibilities when worldly people see us Christians loving one another and solving our quarrels maturely.
SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE
Let me conclude this way by saying that we have a job and that God has a job. Our job is to speak the truth in love. God’s job is to change hearts. And never the twain shall meet.
Photo by Rainier Ridao on Unsplash
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