When those in grief are emotionally or spiritually abused

You would hardly think that this was possible in what should be a caring environment, but the emotional and spiritual abuse of those who are grieving is quite common.

It is very often ever so subtle, and probably intentionally so, yet it always breeds damage, because when those who are grieving are chastised in their grief, a heinous trauma is done, a soul transgression.

The following is a list of scenarios of how this might be done, what the impacts might be, etc, when a grieving person is chastised for:

·               the loss of their marriage, which would be bad enough even if they are partly to blame for it, but is fundamentally worse when it isn’t their fault (in the case of affairs for an obvious example)

·               the loss of the relationship whereby the person has been betrayed in some other way other than maritally, especially where there is evidence of abuse

·               not ‘getting over’ their feelings quicker, and not adjusting to the new normal to the satisfaction of the chastiser – which negates the truth that grief lasts as long as it lasts

·               expressing grief when they’re otherwise disallowed, and aren’t allowed to speak about or express their loss – which cuts the grieving person off from what could help them recover

·               processing the grief that exists as a long, enduring lament – as long as it lasts

·               ‘not trusting God enough’.  This is an outrageous spiritual abuse that if believed by the grieving person can lead to a horribly skewed view of God

·               crying, being depressed, struggling with anxiety, having panic attacks, etc – which makes the grieving person feel weak or guilty or ashamed or a combination of these

·               ‘not carrying on with their responsibilities’ and ‘letting people down who depend on you’ – which only makes the grieving person feel worse and won’t serve to help them

·               not agreeing to obey some kind of demand of manipulation the chastiser makes – like, ‘you agreed with me that you’d read your Bible every day because you know it’s the only way to fix this’ – which oversimplifies a very complex dynamic (reading your Bible every day is no certain fix for grief)

·               ‘making a whole lot more of this than you should’ or worse ‘you’re lying!’ – this is a classic one for those who have suffered abuse, because the easiest way to abuse a victim of abuse is to deny (disbelieve them) they were abused in the first place, or ‘it wasn’t that bad!  Stop making a mountain out of a molehill’

·               not responding well to the chastiser’s anger or being blamed for it – ‘look what you made me do!  You and your silly emotions made me react [this violent way]!’ – when, of course, the grieving person’s behaviour caused nothing of the sort

These are only a very short list of potential scenarios and impacts.

There is a kind of double abuse that is done to people who are grieving and then who are treated in abusive ways.  They are not dignified in their grief, and they are exploited when they are vulnerable, because they have less emotional and spiritual agency than normal.

These dynamics will be relevant more now than ever.  People have been and will be rocked by grief for all sorts of reasons, whether it is they have lost loved ones, jobs, marriages or their hopes and dreams – and in many cases a combination of these.

More now than never do we as a society need to have supportive responses for those who are enduring hardship and loss.

What is most common about abuse as a victim is the response of grief.  The only way victims of abuse can recover is if they have very reliable, trustworthy, safe and capable support.

Photo by Kat J on Unsplash