How do I ‘sit’ with a grieving person?

It’s not just those who have lost family members who grieve.  Trauma survivors, those who have lost careers and marriages, and anyone who has had traumatic responses to an event or series of events in their life will be dealing with grief.

Many, many of these people are struggling with how to get support; the right kind and enough of it, and particularly at just the moment they need it.

We can’t just assume people will reach out when they need to, because often — too often — people don’t feel they have access to the support they need.

If you were to ask a room full of grieving people, how many of feel inadequately supported at present, there would be a significant number raise their hands that they’re doing too much of their journey alone.  This is no sleight on those who presently support them.  It’s just the nature of grieving.  It is confounding.

Remember that grieving fills a larger space in the community than we would typically find — it’s the whole gamut of loss.  Those who have Post Traumatic Stress, for just one instance, carry a baseline grief with them quite a bit of the time.  That can be re-triggered in a moment.

But it’s more important than ever to do this for those people who are closer to us, or to support them in getting their support.

The right support at the right moment can be incredibly effective for the moment.

In sitting with someone I’m assuming the old biblical principle of Romans 12:15, “rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn,” is the powerful premise of this ministry.

It is preferable whenever we are present with someone to allow ourselves to mirror their emotional space.  If they are weeping, it is okay for us to weep a little with them, and for it to be gently explained to them — if necessary — that it is nothing for them to feel guilty about, that you’re honoured to grieve the horrific sorrow with them.

It is okay for sadness to meet sorrow.  It is okay for the person who has no answers to be met with no answers, as we both sit in the mystery together.

It is okay if it is a monologue, where the person supported simply speaks, and the listener attends.  It is okay if there is the occasional hysterical laugh, because to make sense of the nonsensical sometimes requires humour, so long as it honours the grieving person.  It is okay to just sit there in silence.  And where possible, if the person being supported likes it, for there to be appropriate physical presence.

At the end of the day, it is the person who is being supported in their grief who defines what support looks like, but the best supporters wear empathy, warmth, kindness, patience and gentleness.  They are incarnate Christ, the best they can be.

The best support for grieving completely understands the limited nature of the support, that it is an ongoing journey, and not to expect much, if anything at all, apart from a slight lightening of the burden.  That’s good enough.

Even if a person who is grieving doesn’t know what kind of support they need, silence and focused attention, and just being with them is a good help and a good start.

The best helpers are usually those who have grieved a great deal themselves.

It is amazing, even miraculous to see, how powerful a ministry that is done by the Holy Spirit when we cease trying to ‘fix’ things, get out of God’s way, and just be present enough to care.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash