Unresolved conflict can cause irreconcilable, sorrowful grief and pain

Take your pick of the following scenarios:

You’ve agonised over how and when the broken relationship might reconcile, but they are, “Not on your nelly!” or “Yeah, not so much!”

You’ve decided you’re done with the relationship, because it’s no longer safe (and perhaps never was), but they are, “Come on, you MUST explain something!”

You’ve endeavoured to forgive and forget, but for the life of you, you can’t get over how you’ve been treated, and they are oblivious.  You can’t face confronting them and/or they do not care.

You’ve forgiven, because it was actually easy to forgive—to get on with the next chapter of life—but they are, “I’m not letting you off the hook; you owe me!”

You’ve got loved ones who grieve, and you grieve because they grieve.  You quickly realise you have even less influence over this than they have.  That’s vicarious grief and trauma.

These are only a select sample of unresolved conflicts that grieve us.  It affects us all.

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I’m not quibbling about people’s motives, because we all, some of the time, have the worst of motives, but it is still grief we’re experiencing.  Whatever is left unresolved is baggage, and the biggest pity is we all carry some of it.

At times, we’re decided on our course of action, with no correspondence to be entered into, and we’re just praying our wishes—or demands, for safety—will be respected.  It’s grief that we experience when our safety is breached—that piquing of anxious panic for the ever-present threat—their physical presence or the mere thought of it—that prevails over our conscious mind.

Sometimes we feel pursued, and sometimes we’re the pursuer.  Pursuit for reconciliation is only appropriate when both parties consider it safe.  When reconciliation doesn’t seem possible, the jilted party may wonder why, and, even though the one who desires to move on doesn’t want to ‘go there’, the jilted party usually isn’t prepared for the truth.

Out of all this, in relationships that are over, there is the presence of grief in one or both.  For some, it’s the unrelenting lament that what is done is done—no more second chances.  For others, it’s the presence of a grief that stalks in shopping malls and other public places.

Some again find the events that plague their memory traumatically unconscionable.  Others face the sorrowful horror that an impasse with one person means their access to loved ones is kerbed or even taken away.

Entrenched conflict equals complicated grief, and that can involve immeasurable pain.

Photo by nikko macaspac on Unsplash