The elephant in the room called emotional abuse

Until recently the only “abuse” that got any airwaves was the overt physical and sexual varieties, and even they don’t get the airplay today that they both warrant.

Just as the explicit abuses captured the lion’s share of limited attention, we can see how thin the societal bandwidth was (and is) for the less noticeable abuses — psychological, emotional, spiritual, financial and social abuse and neglect, to name them.

These more subtle varieties of abuse are played out in homes and workplaces and churches all over the world every single day.  When you know what it is, and you begin to see it, it is more common than uncommon.

Emotional abuse is patterns of behaviour that include:

c          ridiculing another person about when and how they express their emotions

c          judging someone as being weak or inferior for being “too emotional”

c          accusing someone of being in denial when they “don’t show enough emotion”

c          manipulating situations to cause an emotional reaction in someone

c          talking in ways or creating culture that discourages the expression of emotion

c          refusing to listen to someone when they’re emotional

c          calling someone names when they get emotional, especially names linked with the emotion they’re showing

c          telling someone they’re not allowed to show their emotions, or worse, punishing them when they do

c          punishing a person by withdrawing emotional support when they need it and they could reasonably expect it (parent and child, for instance)

c          making people feel guilty that they’re not enough or not doing enough

c          telling people they’re wrong for making “everything about your emotions”

c          making people feel guilty or ashamed for feeling the way they feel

Truly, the list goes on.  We can see from this list how commonplace it is.

It is justifiable in any event, and certainly in these post #MeToo days, to call enquiry to any relationship we have that features emotional abuse.

In and of itself, it’s definitely a marriage breaker if the partner who inflicts the abuse refuses to repent and remains self-justified.  It’s the same in workplaces with managers and coworkers.  Why would anyone stay in such toxic situations?  Well, there are plenty of reasons.  It’s never that easy!

Imagine being in a relationship or career or job where, for a range of reasons, you can’t just leave or change.  It’s a suffering redoubled in the compounding of grief — you can’t stay, and you can’t leave.  That’s a recipe for depression right there!  I’ve been in those situations.  Others I know and have counselled have been in those situations as well.

Emotional abuse, like the other inner abuses, corrodes our being.

It gradually though certainly furrows its way into our identity, where the true self makes way for a false self that is set on survival.  From confidence we’re reduced to fear.

Emotional abuse reduces us to a shadow of our former selves if we don’t get out of the toxic situation.  Almost never do protagonists of emotional abuse change, unless they have a true spiritual awakening.

Emotional abuse can even cause us to hate and despise that we feel the way we feel, though there is always part of ourselves that knows it’s somehow right to authentically feel with our emotions.  And it is right that we feel the way we feel.  God made us this way.

What can we do?

If we feel safe enough to do so, we can challenge people who we feel don’t allow us our own emotional freedom.

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If we don’t feel safe enough, those people cease in many cases to have any formal role in our lives, or we create boundaries.  It is saddest, however, when these people are in the ranks of family.  This involves some tough reflection and decisions to make.

Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash