The demand of forgiveness is a form of spiritual abuse

A reader question: “Can forgiveness be demanded? What I mean is, can what the Bible says about forgiveness (e.g. Matthew 6:14-15; Colossians 3:13) be used in a way that isn’t biblical, or doesn’t glorify God?”

It’s a great question, with such a simple answer; an answer worth time explaining.

I think of the situation where an abused person is forced on stage at church to “forgive” their abuser—yes, this happens!

Here’s my answer: anything in the Bible can be misused, misconstrued and abused. Where the heart and the Spirit is taken out, it is no longer the Word; it’s just words. That’s the general answer that helps us understand the premise behind much spiritual abuse.

Now to the specific question through the lens of scenario:

If I go up to someone and apologise to them very sincerely, and as part of that apology, seek their forgiveness, can I then expect them to forgive me? Whilst it’s so important to own our own part in conflict, and to do the heart work of apologising fully and sincerely, including asking for forgiveness, it’s not appropriate to expect to be forgiven. No matter how well I repent and make restitution, I cannot demand forgiveness. Any other understanding is not biblical, because love never makes demands.

A second scenario: If the wrong thing is done to me, and someone in reverse offers the same apology as above, very sincerely, even deserving of forgiveness, am I duty bound to forgive them? No, I’m not. This is because forgiveness is in the domain of the heart. Sometimes it’s because we’re still hurt (or, if it’s in the reverse situation, they are), or we need time to pray on it. Sometimes it’s also the recognition that we’re trying to discern what to do. Sometimes it’s that our heart doesn’t feel it. Sometimes it’s a spiritual mystery. For the time being.

Forgiveness is the domain of the heart.
The heart cannot be fooled.
The heart feels what it feels.
We betray our hearts to our peril.

In other words, we cannot deny
what we feel at the core of who we are.

The heart can discern what the mind
can occasionally fail to know.

A third scenario: What about if a wrong is done to us and there is no apology, no admission of wrong, no confession, no repentance (or veiled repentance), no right of challenge or any correspondence entered into? That’s abuse, of course. The first act done—the initial wrong—may or may not have been an abuse; the second act—the failure to acknowledge the hurt—certainly is, without any doubt, an abuse. Do the “rules” of forgiveness still apply? What if someone demanded we forgive the abuser? Would that ever be a kind, loving way of them serving us—to polarise and spiritually confuse us? No, it would just indicate a lack of compassion or empathy. It would reveal a legalistic expression of faith.

Now, the chances of forgiveness being granted are high when full and sincere apologies are given, such is the nature of humanity’s common desire for reconciliation.

~

Forgiveness is a sacred gift. It is given for free by a heart offering it unconditionally. It is received in a likewise spirit. It cannot be forced. It cannot be coerced.

Forgiveness is the supreme gift where God gives freedom to both the giver and the receiver of the forgiveness. The Holy Spirit is, of course, the true mediator of all forgiveness.

Like all acts of true love, forgiveness is an act of the free will, and where the will isn’t free, the act falls short of forgiveness, and unlike love, it will fail. The “forgiveness” won’t stick.

Forgiveness cannot be legislated, nor can it be mandated. Neither can forgiveness be the product of influence, unless it is by the Holy Spirit’s conviction alone.

Now, to withhold forgiveness can also mean there is a problem within the heart of the person withholding, and again that’s a matter between them (or us) and God.

It is a correct teaching of the Bible that we must forgive. But this teaching is held in perfect tension with the equal and opposite truth—the facts of the heart, which oppose decree, must be honoured. The facts of the heart are incontrovertible.

The Christian knows they must forgive, but how and when and why is between them and God.

The word “demand” is a trigger word for what is unhealthy at best and abusive at worst. Whenever we demand anything of others, we stand on thin ice relationally. Whenever others make demands of us, they breach a subtle and sacred boundary.

When Christians TELL other Christians “you MUST forgive” they at once speak truth with an abusive heart. They do not speak the truth in love. They miss the mark. They sin.