Winning the war of love by losing every battle of hate

One thing that narcissistic people cannot do is heal. It is not their interest. Their interest is winning at all costs. And, they may seem to win at every point, insisting they get their own way, strategizing for the win, using their influence malevolently, but there is one area within which they lose every time—for all time.

The narcissist—seemingly living in the image of the enemy, Satan, himself—wishes to thwart every endeavour of goodness within the relationships, but just like Satan, they are destined to lose a war that is fought on a celestial battleground they know nothing about.

The malevolent one knows nothing about the power of love to defeat evil through the practice of death. Doesn’t sound very enticing, does it? We too quickly lose sight of the power of the cross to bring about cosmic reform. In one ‘foul’ swoop, the enemy is defeated.

As Christian people, practising Christian principles, going about our lives in Christian ways, we are all too easily tempted to complain about being persecuted, forgetting that this is the sign that we are God’s chosen people. Not that this is about glorifying suffering. Neither is that the way! But the Christian way is about bearing suffering in persevering ways, which is not resorting to revenge and counterattack.

Recall how Jesus was, as a lamb before its slaughterer, silent. I am not saying that we ought to be silent about things we suffer. We ought to do everything to the glory of God, and in so many ways that is about shining light into the dark places, reporting crimes, and bringing abhorrent leaders to justice. But we must do these things in a God-glorifying way, and the swiftest, most penetrating justice, causing least amount of damage to innocent bystanders, is that way.

As Christians, we ought to be ready to lose every battle so the gospel can be advanced for the winning of the war. That war is the conquest of winning one heart at a time; ours are hearts that must stay won to gospel cause, which demands humility of us over the long run.

No matter how malevolent other people are, especially when they’re against us, we must guard our own hearts to the extent that we resist temptation to contend, offence for offence. The only way we can overcome evil is through doing good, even if that often feels like a hopeless strategy.

Narcissists appear (appear!) to win every step of the way, and we would almost (almost!) be forgiven for our despondency, but God issues us a fresh challenge in the simplest of paradigm shifts. The narcissist’s win, we must always remember, is always distinctly hollow, because it depends on cutting others at down at the knees. It is a shockingly cruel stratagem and ultimately a comprehensively foolish plan.

Just like Satan was defeated when Jesus uttered, “It is finished,” our narcissistic nemesis is simply on a stay of execution. By carrying about the death of Jesus in our mortal bodies, by dying to our selfish aims, as Paul commended to us in Second Corinthians chapter 4, we issue others life, because of our mortal sacrifice. The enemy simply cannot contend with any level of altruism.

We ought simply to be glad that we know the truth; that the template was set at the cross; that we know the way forward for the Kingdom purpose; that there is a way of winning that comes about through losing.

Even the thought that we can allow the narcissist their pathetic win is a game changer. When we live in the gladness that the ultimate war is already won by not insisting on our own way, we have the tools to completely undo the narcissist without there appearing to be any effort from us. This undoing occurs at the level of the mind, but it’s undergirded by a heart committed to God’s way and not our own.

This doesn’t mean we don’t engage. We just engage in ways for the overall good. We know ‘this conquest’ is not just about them and us. It always involves others, usually many others. The overall good is about everyone. When we believe God can provide the answers we need—to help us establish a sound basis for the overall good of all—we find ways of doing it, one step at a time. Wives and mothers have been doing this for eons. Wives and mothers are still doing it. And many husbands and fathers as well. Anyone who serves their family to the extent of love’s sacrifice.

There is something incredibly encouraging about the gospel imperative; winning isn’t about winning the way the world ‘wins’. Jesus’ gospel imperative is that love wins over all. The belief that love wins gives us a quiet confidence as our battle mode. The pressure to win every contest, every argument, every stoush, we know, is off, because we know that that kind of win is beyond the point.

It’s typical that those who have endured much narcissist abuse require much healing. Sometimes there is such destruction of identity it takes much work and many years. Take confidence and courage in knowing, however, that in being transgressed to these degrees, you have not offended God to these degrees of evil; that your transgressor will face the ultimate justice. They lose.

Keep living for others overall, keep hoping on the victory to come, and most of all, keep the faith.

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash