Beware that most dangerous word, ‘Sorry’

Some years ago, when I had entered into a helping relationship with a person, I became aware of a troubling pattern in their demeanour. Just about every communication I had with this person involved them using the word ‘sorry’. The problem was, I got the distinct impression they were never actually genuinely sorry. Ever. Their saying sorry was a habit; their ‘sorry’ seemed to mean something different to the meaning of the word.

Unfortunately, this pattern of caustic relational behaviour isn’t as uncommon as we’d like to think.

For some people, ‘sorry’ is part of a transaction. It buys them the other person’s favour. The person who hears ‘sorry’ often feels obligated to forgive. Even if ‘sorry’ is used from the motive of manipulation. This skews the appropriate intention of the word.

The true test of whether someone actually feels sorry is to press them a little. A good illustration of this comes from my marriage. If I’d done the wrong thing, in apologising, my wife used to ask me what I was sorry for. She was checking whether I was genuine, but she was also checking what level of understanding I had regarding my misdemeanour. More than once I had to do some more thinking! Was I really sorry?

There is nothing wrong with questioning someone further
after they have said ‘sorry’.

If they’re genuinely remorseful, they will sense the opportunity to transact with you to establish understanding. On the other hand, if someone says, “Hey, wait a minute, I just said sorry to you…” (in other words, “I just said sorry, so now you must forgive me”) be very well aware that they’re not truly sorry at all. We have to watch ourselves, though, that we don’t exasperate someone who is genuinely penitent. But there’s nothing wrong with a little gentle pushback. If someone resists that kind of process check, they probably need to do a bit more thinking about whether they’re really honest about using the word ‘sorry’.

When Sorry Means Something

Sorry means something when ‘sorry’ stays ‘sorry’.

What I mean is this: the issue anyone says sorry about they’re always sorry about. It was wrong that they did it. And it will always be wrong. It is on record as wrong. Nothing they can do will absolve that unless, in having said sorry, they’re forgiven.

It’s the person who forgives who absolves the sin.

‘Sorry’, in and of itself, is no absolution. The person who is given the opportunity to forgive another’s transgression is the one who ought to hold the power. They have been wronged. For the relationship to be restored, things need to be evened up.

‘Sorry’ means something when the person saying sorry throws themselves upon the mercy of the person they’ve transgressed. It’s the only time ‘sorry’ means anything. And then the power in this word materialises. It says to the other person, “I want this relationship, and I’m prepared to relate with you in truth, and need you to know that my love for you means more than protecting my ego, and our relationship is worth me being vulnerable enough to help restore ‘us’.”

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The moral to this article is simple: don’t be the person who says sorry and doesn’t mean it. It’s a very powerful word in the English language and anytime we don’t mean it, we employ manipulation which is relational cancer.

It’s even more a manipulation when people use ‘sorry’ very regularly and expect to be forgiven. There are two sins of manipulation there. Healthy relationships with people like this are practically impossible.

The ultimate in maturity is the capacity to be wrong and own that reality.

More on genuine apology at PeaceWise: What makes a genuine apology?