The journey full of doubt

‘Just keep being faithful,’ my wife has often said, from the earliest days when I started writing, 11 years and 7,000 articles ago. It has been a tumultuous journey with many highs and just as many lows.

The truth is this journey has been so full of doubt as to require faith. The more doubt, the more faith. Praise God for His portion.

Let me say this: as often as I’ve inspired people through the things I’ve written, I have disappointed and betrayed and let down just as many.

I have written some good things, but there are many things I’ve written that have fallen short of the glory of God. Perhaps not in the words themselves, but in the motives behind why they were written. I’ve always sought to write what is relevant, engaging, and ultimately loving and true. But occasionally I’ve missed the mark and cloaked nastiness in love and truth.

There are dozens that I know of over those 4,000 days that have shaken the dust off their feet when it comes to what I’ve written. If there are dozens that I know of, what is the number under the waterline?

I do want to be unifying and not divisive, but so often I’ve painted myself into one corner.

I’ve written an average of one to two (closer to two) articles every day over those 11 years, always believing it was God’s call for my life. Not everyone gets it. Many are ambivalent at best, and one of my inherent weaknesses — especially when I’m weak — is I desire encouragement. Charles Wesley published over 6,000 hymns. When I realised I could be, I wanted to be just as prolific, not that I esteem myself in his class. God is the Judge.

Too many times I’ve taken ambivalence to heart, but it’s never ultimately knocked me off course — except for a three-month period last year when I was so down on this ‘call’ I refused God and stopped. God did a work in me to get me started again, for, to my shame, humanity’s voice was louder than His. I tried to stop earlier this year, feeling that the whole idea was so foolish, that I wasn’t doing it for the right reason, yet by the seven-day mark God told me to write and to publish, because I felt He honoured the fact that I was being honest about my struggle.

My writing has frequently gotten me into trouble. It’s a very conspicuous ministry. So often people can think I’m writing about them when I’m probably genuinely not. Bit like the preacher who is not preaching about you, but you think he or she is! He or she generally isn’t, and usually doesn’t have a clue. It’s the mastery of the Holy Spirit at work.

There have been exceptions, however, when I have sinned and written about something I shouldn’t have — usually out of processing something inappropriately. In the early days I hurt my wife. I have hurt people I’ve worked with, and those I know, whether they approached me or confronted me or not. I have occasionally fallen short of my wife’s clarion call to just keep being faithful. My heart is I want to be forgiven, but I accept there are some bridges I’ve incinerated.

The journey of this writing ministry is etched in doubt that facilitates faith.

I feel that in sharing, I’ve poured myself out and made myself vulnerable — to pour contempt on my pride of self-protection — but some don’t and won’t understand, so it’s sometimes been lonely, and given the 10,000 or so hours that it has taken to write all those words, ‘sometimes’ has been a pretty regular occurrence.

Still, God I’m sure has sanctified me throughout. I sure do hope He will be gentle with me when I’m judged regarding what I’ve written, but I’m sure you can read more of the feeble man in that than the man of God.

All I can do is follow the call I believe God has placed on my life. It’s been far costlier than I ever imagined it would be. And yet I’ve been rewarded unimaginably — yet not with a cent as yet.

I do wonder how many other ‘ministers’ genuinely and frequently doubt their call of God; a thing most certain that I cannot not do His bidding, but it’s pretty much in fear and trembling[1] all the way.

All I can do is just keep being faithful. Thank you for reading if you’ve read all these sentences.

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[1] Philippians 2:12.