Saboteurs of a Happy Marriage: from SYMBIS

Why do troubled married couples find it so inextricably hard to get out of the binding mess of hellish marriage and years worth of mutual discontent? How did they get there? It wasn’t always like this, surely.

One thing that could be almost guaranteed in a marriage like this is a healthy portion of marital sabotage on the part of certainly one, but probably both, partners.

The theories espoused in the book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (SYMBIS) are foundational to both the preparation for married life and the ongoing maintenance of the relationship. This book talks about the “saboteurs of a happy marriage,” each of which “eats at the human spirit and kills the capacity for joy.”[1] These saboteurs are:

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Self-Pity

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“Self-pity is a luxury no happy marriage can afford.” It often has further reaching effects on our other relationships as well, including the extended family and friends. Self-pity is damaging whether it is one or both partners that engage in it.[2]
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Blame

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Shifting responsibilities and finding excuses is an age-old problem i.e. since Adam was a lad. Marital unhappiness is never caused by one person. The partner that blames the other is really the one with the problem. They should learn instead to use feedback constructively as a means of gaining shared understanding toward mutual problem-solving.
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Resentment
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One step removed, or several steps removed from the previous two, is resentment. Resentment is bitterness. It is dangerous in marriage because it’s like malignant cancer--it will keep on spreading if it’s not treated. Even resentment that’s not directed at our spouse is damaging to the marriage.[3]
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One thing for sure, a poor marriage won’t fix itself and it certainly won’t be fixed overnight. It will take mutual resolve, a gargantuan effort and commitment toward openness, counselling and other help, and the forming of new habits enshrined in forgiveness, positive thinking, and that “habit of happiness.”
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A healthy marriage can be achieved one day at a time until death parts us.
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Copyright © 2009, S. J. Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
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ENDNOTES:

[1] Les Parrott & Leslie Parrott, Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before – and After You Marry (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 1995, 2006), p. 74.
[2] Parrott & Parrott, Ibid, p. 69-70. Material from the whole paragraph is from SYMBIS.
[3] Parrott & Parrott, Ibid, p. 72-73.