When Life Is... “I just don’t want to wake up anymore”

“Sometimes we have to get lost to find ourselves.” –Stressed Out: Australia’s The Place To Be campaign.

We seem to live in ways--in our existence--as if we were never not here. Then when we are stricken with the searing pain of loss we suddenly realise life is not quite like we’re used to. It’s raw, dirty, and even too real, if that could be said. This is what the Lapthorne’s will have experienced; something quite unreal and tortuous, yet it is very, very real--it’s a reality that could come to any one of us. It’s a reality that punctuates life making it almost realer than real. Certainly, this sort of reality would seem almost too hard to bear.

If you’ve never lived through a time in your life when you didn’t want to wake up anymore to face the ongoing nightmare that was (or is...) your life, you might be truly fortunate on the one hand, but on the other hand it could be said that you’ve not truly lived yet. Having survived one of these times, which in essence lasted a few months--though not years--as is the case for some, I can attest to the fact that it opened me up to how raw and painful life can be.

Life like this is still life, however. For everyone around us, life is normal. It only appears abnormal for us whilst we’re in this state of raw suffering.

The fact is many of us never really find the real “us” until something urgent and searching hits. Not that it needs to be this way. But it’s human nature to run with the rub of the good life; no one welcomes testing times with open arms.

The reality is these times can come at any time and they never come with warning. Death, or the threat of death, is the key event driving a lot of our pain, whether it is our own death, or perhaps worse still, the death of a loved one like a spouse or a son or daughter. It could even be the death (or finality) of a relationship like a marriage. Wesley Fuerst said, “Death is clearly the major problem, which intensifies and exacerbates all others; the specter of death mocks the brave plans of the living. Man cannot argue with this specter, and cannot combat it. It will win in the end.”[1] Death is the living truth. It’s like the adjudication of a competition; the Judge has his final say and no correspondence can be entered into.

But, think of things this way. What if each day you deliberately set out to envision your own death, or the death of a loved one, the death of a vital relationship, or the ... [fill in the blank]. Wouldn’t it make us a little more circumspect? Living life through this perspective gives us true reason to be thankful for the day and the relationships we have. It may appear to be a morbid thought, but exactly the opposite occurs--it’s a way to better life.

And if you’re in the midst of torment where simply waking up is when the nightmare actually begins, hold onto what little hope you presently have; the sun will come up tomorrow and the end of the suffering will come--and, at that time, which is perhaps months or years off, life might just become better than ever. That is the reality for many thousands of survivors of critical life-shaping experiences.

The key is clinging onto the little ray of hope that might not even be felt, but is that life-force within that says, ‘Keep going.’ Don’t give up; the best is truly yet to come. You’ll see.

Copyright © 2008, S. J. Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

[1] Wesley J. Fuerst, The Books of Ruth, Esther, Ecclesiastes, The Song of Songs, Lamentations: The Five Scrolls (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1975), p. 151. Cited in Barry C. Davis’, “Death, An Impetus For Life” in Timothy J. Demy & Gary P. Stewart (eds) Suicide – A Christian Response: Crucial Considerations for Choosing Life (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Kregel Publications, 1998), pp. 329-47.