4 Key Parental Statements In Dealing With Teen Children

“Hey Dad, Jo’s got this party on tonight and I want to go and sleep over there,” says Phil’s sixteen year old daughter. Experiencing a sudden fight/flight response, Phil’s in response mode. If you’re a parent of this teen, what’s going through your mind and heart? All her friends apparently have lots more freedom than she does, and now the pressure’s on to allow her to go into the adult world. And what precedent is it setting? As the parent there are possibly a flood of thoughts and emotions being processed simultaneously.

Phil has to make a tough decision if he’s to defend his daughter from our party-savvy society where kids ‘grow up’ overnight. When he’s made the tough decision that, ‘No, you can’t go, because I don’t feel you’d be safe,’ and he’s communicated same, he is going to get serious push-back and rebelling behaviour as the reward for his diligent parenting. You can see it takes a suitable amount of courage to parent a teenager properly.

So, what’s our response going to be to the, ‘Dad, you don’t understand and don’t care!’ response? Well, it could be, “I don’t expect you to understand; I don’t need you to understand. Just respect that it’s my role to protect you.” These statements are just what parents of teenagers need to reel out from time to time. It is basically the sentiment that whilst we as parents understand a teenager’s prerogative to exercise independence and buck the system every now and then (okay, every day…!) it is our prerogative as parents to establish and constantly re-establish the boundaries and make the tough calls. This part of teen parenting is not rewarding but it is necessary.

And what do we get for this? We get lots of assertions that we don’t care or don’t understand. We could say the same thing; in fact that is what we’ll often feel. Yet, we don’t need them to understand things from our perspective. It doesn’t mean they can’t respect us in our ongoing role as parent. Sure, there is the gradual releasing of parental control to the rapidly growing teen, but it’s a slow process and parent and teen alike need to acknowledge this.

We’re teaching and modelling mature adult behaviour with our children. If they don’t see it from us, who would we expect them to get it from? The statements above are pretty much saying, ‘I love you, have listened to you, and have considered what is best for you, and this is my decision; please respect it.’

There’s also the situation that can occur with teens that if and when they know they won’t get their own way, they’ll lie or conceal important information to get what they want. It’s the difference between trust (and some trust positively must be given) and that feeling that you’re giving over to them or there’s a lie or two coming or being said. We’re required to discern what is truth and act on it, as well as always be prepared to trust them. It’s such a fine line. It’s a tenuous balance, and none of us get it right all the time.

The last statement is simply, “Just know I have to do this for you.” Then it’s a case of sticking to your guns and following-through with what you said you’d do. This is parental love the way it was supposed to be and works really well most of the time.

It is very empowering as a parent to have crossed into this territory having successfully influenced your teen child and achieved their (albeit begrudging) obedience. It’s tough but it does have its rewards if you stick in there and carry out what you know you need to do.

Copyright © 2008, S. J. Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.