A Killer Marriage – A Husband’s Dying To Himself

You know when you hear good advice -- it sticks like a sheathed sword sticks when attacked by frost. It gels and resonates. It not only makes sense, but it also often comes in such a timely fashion. It’s indeed a ‘word’ for the time. People look at each other and just know this is from God. Its wisdom cuts through potential nonsense and the truth is chilling.

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At a table of young people and relative newlyweds I witnessed a conversation sparked by a question to a couple married 32 years. I’m still unsure what the actual question was, but the answer which was long deliberated over was, “The wife must kill her husband (for the marriage to thrive).” This answer led to a long, deafening silence. The man then explained himself further, clarifying the meaning of the absurd statement.

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It goes something like this:

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The husband must come to the end of himself and present himself as a ‘living sacrifice’ before his wife; essentially becoming dead to his own hopes, dreams, goals, and plans, in order to bring his wife, life. He must become her rock in which she can truly trust -- a firm and natural trust in his unbending intent toward her. Anything less than a full commitment undermines the faith she’d otherwise place in him.

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I later considered this as biblically faultless (though nonetheless ‘incomplete’) counsel. Romans 12:1 says a lot about ‘being a living sacrifice’ in only a few words. Its power of brevity is incredible. “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God -- this is your spiritual act of worship.” (Italics added for emphasis.) In marriage terms, men are to worship God by offering their bodies as living sacrifices to their wives. This is how wives are loved and respected so that they might submit to their husbands.

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We offer to our wives our bodies to be killed if they so choose.[1] This means we forget the selfish thoughts of running our own lives and truly transfer ownership to our wives; we give them first say. 2 Corinthians 4:10 says, “We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be revealed in our body.” Spiritual death in me means life for someone else -- it is sacrifices of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. In marital terms, death for me and life for her means I live for my spouse and offer to her my time, love, money, resources, support, encouragement etc before I offer them to myself. It is a surrendered existence.

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I earlier suggested that this advice was ‘incomplete,’ and now I’ll qualify it. The law of reciprocity is recognised as both a spiritual and social psychology phenomena – ‘You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours,’ could be the catchcry. It’s reflected biblically as the Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12) and the Royal Law (James 2:8).

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Notwithstanding this, the husband should take the lead, offering himself, in faith, as an (unconditional) living sacrifice to his wife that she might too offer herself for him. Reciprocity recognises the need for both to engage, but does not limit unbending intent on the part of the husband.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven J. Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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Acknowledgement: This advice is attributed to Mr. And Mrs. Steve and Sandra Binks.

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[1] Loving wives do not ordinarily choose to kill their husbands’ hopes, plans, pastimes and dreams.