Influencing Behavioural Change In Relationships

Do you have a teen or adult child or employee that you need to get through to? Many people get exasperated not knowing how to get people to change. In all our relationships there are times and situations where people do things that are inappropriate, untimely, self-damaging, or damaging to others and this can both frustrate us and concern us. We may even have a formal role in initiating change i.e. we’re required by law or by job description to do it -- to manage people.

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The tricky bit is we may struggle having the courage to tell them the truth or when we do tell them we risk hurting their feelings. Influencing behaviour is an art form that few of us are really good at. It requires courage, skill, and tact -- all driven by love.

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There are two basic things to achieve when giving people feedback. If we do these things correctly our feedback won’t appear critical, but helpful. We’ll come across as concerned and non-intrusive, with the right heart.

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The first thing to do is tell them what you see. This is behavioural feedback at its core. Be specific and give the feedback at the time the behaviour occurs. Inform the person what you’ve observed i.e. the action you’ve seen or something you heard them say. (Behaviour is something said or something done.) In other words, behaviour is something the dead person can’t do… “What a dead person can do is not a behaviour.” For instance, a dead person can lay still -- laying still is not a behaviour. A dead person cannot motion with their finger -- that’s a behaviour.

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If we are dealing with a teen son or daughter or employee who we suspect has a drug problem, we need to tell them what observable signs we’re noticing or observing. It is the bloodshot eyes, their moodiness, and the slurred speech that you can feed back to them i.e. “I hear you slurring your words and you look tired and irritable; are you okay -- is there anything wrong?” This question can lead to an enquiry where more pointed questions can be asked and your concern and offer of help can be voiced. Expressing care and concern at the potential consequences for behaviour is important.

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Getting them to acknowledge the behaviour is the important initial step. Once information is in the “public arena” (i.e. they know that you know) they’ll be less embarrassed and more likely to work on it.

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On some occasions you’ll meet with resistance. At these times the person is not yet ready to face up to their problems; but don’t give up. Keep showing concern for them by being consistent around behavioural feedback. Remember, you won’t be able to solve all problems.

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The second thing to do, if they’ve acknowledged a need, is tell them what you want. Once you’ve established some shared understanding of what the problem is then you’re much better placed to guide them in what you want. Again, you need to be specific about this. Be clear and simple in what you communicate and again speak in behavioural terms of what you want to see and hear.

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If they show some commitment to change, help them set some behavioural goals. The person you’re counselling must be in a position of empowerment over their own destiny, with you (or others) there guiding and supporting them -- you are not to do this thing for them. Help them also plan for re-lapses on the road to change as well. All of this is best supported by a psychology service to facilitate progress.

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If we adhere to these two simple rules our relationship problems can be easier to deal with, and the person on the other end of the interaction can feel respected and cared for in the process.

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It’s about accountability. We need to help people become more accountable for their behaviour, be it our kids, employees or others. It’s not our issue to deal with, but we can help.

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Most of all we must present as concerned parents or supervisors. This comes from a love for the other human being affected. We’re in this for them. With that sort of pure motivation, we should be able to demonstrate genuine concern (love) whilst presenting the truth in less confrontational ways.

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Copyright © 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
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I acknowledge Mr. Peter Simpson, Psychologist / Director of Boylan, Simpson & Simpson – Corporate Psychology Services. This article was inspired from Mr. Simpson’s material and presentation.