When Is It Right To Complain?

If I think of one behaviour that epitomises the ultimate in character development it is withholding the need to complain. It is a full sense of grace pervading all life circumstances and relationships. It is the issuance of favour especially when it is undeserved. The ultimate of the ultimate is almost inconceivable: that one might never complain. How hard would that be?!

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Is this ideology realistic? The Apostle Paul certainly thought it was. He mentions in Philippians 2:14, “Do everything without complaining...” This is so we can be ‘blameless and pure... children of God.’ I wonder if sorting people out who are doing the wrong thing is ‘complaining.’ Like if there’s the need for that righteous form of anger, indignation.

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Practically speaking, there is a lot of sense in not complaining, especially over circumstances beyond our control. Most of life, and even the smaller things within it, are beyond our control. As the Serenity Prayer goes, ‘God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.’ To have serenity means we must accept things and that means not complaining, doesn’t it? This certainly applies to most things.

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I can think of some examples of times when it is right to complain. One example is if you’re living with someone, whether it is a wife or husband, a boarder, or other partner. When living space is shared, best the complaints come freely and in the right spirit; in love with truth. It’s also best that they be received in the same spirit. One of the worst things is to let the issue fester by not discussing it. On the other hand it is crucial to the relationship that it’s dealt with sensitively and correctly. This is a skill and an art form all its own – I’m certainly no expert! But I would like to become better at it.

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What we also must consider is ‘what war to wage.’ What issues are critically important and what issues can we leave alone? What are the ‘over my dead body’ matters which require immediate attention and lasting results? We can’t complain about everything or we’ll likely deserve the ‘whinger’ tag.

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We also need to take into account the personal psychological and emotional effect of the complaint. Will it ‘spoil our day’ to complain? We need to be able to complain without it then becoming the focus of our day. We need to be able to move on.

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Foci for ‘efficient’ and effective complaint:

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1. Frame the complaint as it affects objectives. If there are objectives for the relationship or situation and they’re not being achieved, there needs to a discussion about how to address the problems and find solutions that both parties can live with.

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2. State the complaint once and ensure you’ve been heard. There’s nothing worse in this sort of situation than dealing with a ‘harper’ – someone who ‘harps’ on about something. Say it enough to be understood, ideally just once. We need to seek assurance that the other party has heard us. This is where reflective listening or paraphrasing are good skills for both parties to have.

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3. Keep the complaint ‘issue-focussed’ and never attack the person. This is easier to achieve in an occupational situation than it is in a marital situation. Always keep your emotions in check and try to keep a balanced viewpoint for both parties’ sake.

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4. Design a process for the complaint. You might want to think about the likely outcome(s) before you make your complaint, and then ensure you have a method for dealing with each outcome. How will you escalate the issue if it isn’t resolved? At what result is your ‘walk away point,’ and when will you be happy to consider it ‘resolved’?

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Everyone has complaints. It’s about knowing how to make them. It’s respectfully challenging the status quo in a loving or assertive way (which simply caters for both parties’ needs) that makes the difference. To complain in the appropriate way takes courage. Courage to seek the best solutions for both parties, and a vision for a better tomorrow.

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© Copyright 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.