Two cases in the not-so-distant past, and many more mind you, I’ve been reminded of the power for change in people’s lives when we DON’T enable poor behaviour.
To be clear, this is when we do things for people that they can and ought to do for themselves, because in doing things for people such unseen harm is done. The chief harm is that they don’t grow into responsible people with agency for their lives.
Let me elaborate.
Struggle comes into everyone’s lives, and there are those who transcend the worst of situations and they become inspirations. Everyone is capable of saying to their hardship, “This situation shall not define me... this situation will not relegate me... this situation may be my present, but it will not dictate my future.”
What is typical in this life is that those who are capable of more will rely upon the good nature of responsible people and do less than they could. The failing of an otherwise good-natured person is to buckle with sympathy and give into the demand, however subtle or overt it may be—and, let’s be straight, some of these demands are plain manipulations.
This is typical of an addicted person’s behaviour. To feed their addiction they need support or, better put, enablement. They require others to come alongside and help them continue to evade what life is presenting as opportunities for them to grow. They resist because there is pain ahead. Their pain, however, is no more than is commonly met and conquered by others.
Anyone who prospers in this life has met their pain in its face. They sacrificed when there was always an easier option. They decided against ease, however, and went the way of responsibility and as a result they grew.
There are people who continue to go their own merry way of denial, yet have you noticed who they need as their support? They need the person who has already overcome their own personal challenges—many of these people who have met pain full-on are what we call “empaths” because they know full well what pain is and they empathise with those who are only now meeting their pain. This is why empaths are often taken advantage of by those who seem gifted in manipulation.
One of the chief goals of the responsible life is to love others enough to not let them off the hook of their own lives.
When we know the power there is in taking responsibility for our own life, why would we prevent another person from experiencing this power?
We ought not to save another person from the pain that is otherwise good for them.
Each person must make for themselves their own path, and we can and certainly should encourage such a person. The wisdom is in knowing how much and what kind of support they need, resisting “rescuing” them.
The folly of a person who continues to evade the consequences of a life poorly lived is obvious. It’s a blessing for them to come face-to-face with such a reality. The very moment they see the fruit of their lives for what it has produced is the same moment that the miracle of turning and putting their hand to the plough might be seen.
All that stands against any of us is a mountain to be climbed, and each person must climb their own mountain. There’s nothing wrong with getting (and giving) moral support, but this work can’t be done for another.
In the above context, the less we intervene in a person’s life the more we love them.
Some people need the motivation that, “If they won’t help me, I’ll help myself,” or even the motivation that says, “I’ll show them... I’ll prove them wrong.” Good!
It’s so sweet to prove people wrong, and also to be proved wrong, especially when a person has ascended a mountain neither thought possible to be climbed.
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