Something really concerns me about what we’re doing in terms of grief and depression. An appetite for tolerating soul defeat grows. It’s true, those we grieve we’ll continue to miss, and while there is always a degree of finality about depressive symptoms, we can leave it at that, thinking we’re doing all we can by doing nothing.
I’ve had my battles with depression, and even when I’m mentally healthy I can slide on a random day. Depression for me is when there are many more of those dark days interspersed within only a few ‘fair’ days. It’s about a countenance of soul that is driven by thoughts that are like kamikaze bombers. The worst idea at these times is living in constant fear that I’m going to be overwhelmed by the hour or day from hell.
The scariest thing is feeling like nobody gets us; the spiritual isolation of it. It further disconnects us from people who could reach us when we’ve already decided they can’t.
What concerns me a lot about the concepts of grief and depression is managing the tension between accepting what we cannot change and changing what we can. Both elements are valid.
Too many people downplay mental illness (usually those are numbered in those who’ve never suffered it), while too many people disempower people by normalising grief and depression. I believe that deep insurgences at a soul level don’t respond well to glib, overly simplified solutions. But just the same, such incursions are not beyond being affected by things any of us who suffer can do.
Here are some of the things I’ve found useful:
1. Recognise symptoms early– the earlier I have recognised I’m not myself, that I’m getting too easily annoyed or threatened, the quicker I can admit I’m not as healthy as I’d like to be. I’ve learned, for me, irritability is the indicator I look for; that sense that I resent being out of control that leads me to getting incensed in ways I normally don’t. That kind of anger speaks greatly about the undercurrent of fear. Becoming aware early is key. The earlier the better. That takes honesty.
2. Be honest – it takes courage to be honest. We cannot overcome a nemesis until we begin to admit we’re under threat of defeat. There’s no shame in being overrun or overcome.
3. Recognise the power of hope – the quicker we can begin to invest in activities (3-4 per week) that inspire life in us, the better. We all need things, activities, interactions, experiences we can look forward to. Six months into a season of grief I discovered this. On a weekend that was looking particularly brutal I can recall saying to myself, “I have to fill my time with things I want to do.” So, I did just that. I learned a lot about taking responsibility for joy on that weekend, where I got creative and literally did 8-10 things to make it a memorable time. I planned it so one activity led to another and so forth. We all need things to look forward to doing, and especially when we’re grieving or depressed.
4. Search the Bible, other writings, movies, books, anything – God will vindicate our search by always giving us entry to open doorways of revelation that lead us through the darkest of days. Learning to search is a key part of spiritual resilience.
5. Connect with others– even, and especially even, when we either don’t feel like it or don’t think it will help. I’ve always been constantly amazed how effective connecting with other empathic humans has been, whether it’s spending a few hours together or a ten-minute chat on the phone. But pick the person who can, and wants to, minister to you. If you’re like me, you probably don’t value a huge amount of advice, just listening, gentle affirmations (it’s surprising how much affirmation can be done without saying much).
6. Accept everything – the biggest affront to our moment of mental stammer is everything’s a challenge. This idea won’t fly as a mode for living all of life, but it will help you to chill when the living moment has simply become too much; where there is overwhelm. And, actually, acceptance is a very powerful concept in the overall plan for healing.
7. Believe you can and will overcome this – honestly, there is an insane amount of power in belief. If a person refuses to accept that ‘this’ is their lot for life, they take the only control they have directly with both hands. The tension is believing for a future state. What may not be a reality right now can certainly become a reality over the months and years to come. Believe that you CAN overcome, and you CAN overcome.
8. Control your environment– have some say over who you allow in your life. Wherever we’re planted in toxic places, we cannot possibly grow, and our mental health cannot possibly prosper. It’s your life. You do not have to remain in toxic, abusive relationships. If we can’t make changes straight away, we can plan for a better future state.
Grief and depression are unavoidable states of humanity, but we must always believe there are things we can do to brighten our hope.
Photo by Kristel Hayes on Unsplash
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