Why forgiveness is the ultimate revenge

Bobbie, a reader, and someone I know personally, said recently, “To seek forgiveness, to apologise, without expectation, is pure humility.” Such an astounding wisdom stops us in our tracks, because, quite frankly, such humility is unfortunately so rare. Yet, it is human mastery because it is human maturity.

If only there were more people who sought forgiveness rather than situations where those trespassed against had to find the resources and wherewithal within themselves to forgive, when forgiveness is a relational construct. It does not work when one party refuses to play.

It can seem so unfair that forgiveness is such a mutuality, where the malevolent person propagates injustice, and in never seeking to be forgiven, they may extend the pilgrimage of the other one’s healing to an unreachable place. They care not one iota for the principle ascribed in Matthew 5:23-24, whether they call themselves Christian or not.

If they think they owe you nothing,
and you think that’s wrong,
by the testimony of your heart
they owe God something.

You forgive them by transferring their debt
to the ultimate debt collector.

If someone owes you a significant amount of money, you don’t chase after them yourself; you employ a debt collector. You put the business of reconciliation into more skilled hands.

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Notice also what happens in the dynamic with your abuser when you forgive them. They have only anticipated a fight, like for like. They play that game well. But genuine grace bamboozles! Mercy for those who deep down don’t believe they deserve it does them in; if not immediately, please, trust the years. No word of God returns void. But this extension of mercy must come from the heart.

God has said, “It is mine to avenge, it is mine to repay.” To take God’s Word for it, is the power and practice of faith. And there is no substitute. What we must get used to is the idea that justice will not come for years. We’re playing the long game. But, we always hope for a miraculous justice, yet trust in this reality of life: true justice is always slow in the coming. And in the meantime, time is not wasted, and justice grows closer with each dying day.

Meanwhile, we take notice of the precious daily or intermittent interactions we have with our protagonist. We take good note of the fact that, when we practice a forgiving interaction—and forgiveness verily is one interaction at a time—their response is different. We can not only be focused on being scandalously (I really do mean ridiculously) gracious in forgiving the person who doesn’t deserve our forgiveness, but we can also focus on what their response is. Observe it as if you were a student. Get curious as to what makes them tick. This too may do them in. You may be blessed to develop a compassion on someone who refuses to budge, for what kind of human being does that?! All the while, we keep ourselves safe. If our scandalous grace doesn’t affect them at all, they probably have antisocial personality disorder. Sociopaths will refuse to care and psychopaths simply don’t, and neither will be guilted into a dance toward you.

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Take note how the person may respond more congenially to your hand of grace. Even as your graciousness throws them! Suddenly the light goes on in our minds; we are the ones who, perhaps for the first time, have control over the relationship. And over the months and years our impact is likely positive. We may even begin to believe that we’re developing power that may eventually soften their hearts to the truths they cannot yet see.

Forgiveness is the ultimate revenge and it reveals that revenge is the ultimate in self-destruction. If we have any hope that the other person might be influenced, and changed for good, even if we think it is impossible, we open space for the Holy Spirit to work, even in spite of our own reticence to forgive them.

Forgiveness is the ultimate revenge in a relational game we don’t have full control over. We’re truly blessed to accept this. Whatever cannot be changed is best accepted. That’s half of all empowerment! And in the acceptance is also the acceptance that God can move and work according to God’s prerogative.

It won’t happen with all people, but with some recalcitrants, particularly narcissists, there is a distinct dislike, perhaps even a hatred, for a level of control that forgiveness affords the abused party.

And remember that forgiveness does not absolve the wrong that was done. There will still be an accounting. Justice is still in play, whether we have forgiven the person or not. But as we forgive them, I wonder if divine mercy sees the humility in our heart and rewards it with a justice that only God can do.

Forgiveness is the ultimate revenge
because the Lord will ultimately avenge.

Photo by Ravi Roshan on Unsplash