The Holy Spirit encouraged me, “Write!”
So, here it is. Having a deceased child means that grief and mourning are normal. Never will it be that I’m totally adjusted and ‘satisfied’ with life without my second son. Never again, or not for a long time, will it be that I’ll enjoy family celebrations completely unencumbered. Never will it be for me that I don’t find something as significant missing from my life. But there is a bond between us – of the fabric of eternity – that I cling to, make the very most of, and celebrate.
This is not my first experience of all these things. I know that over the path of time the sting of grief in the memory – like what you’re missing out on – dissipates. It’s one of the worst things in loss: being envious of others who have what you don’t have.
But the bond with my stillborn son is what I do have.
This is how my bond developed and is subsequently maintained: I spent much time experiencing his body as much as I could through holding him, touching him, smelling his skin, kissing him, and just looking at him. Now I go regularly into a silent place, with moving music, and just embrace my deeply buried sorrow, because life feels too normal otherwise.
The bond is incredibly important and nothing that I’m scared of; indeed, it’s all I have so I must embrace it.
Going into that silent place, doing only what I can do, alone, is something truly precious and invaluable, not simply for healing, but purely as an experience.
I’ve found it so true: to embrace our grief is not only to heal, but to sincerely enjoy something beyond happiness; it’s a deeper joy to anticipate what only God can do. That is to produce a miracle each moment we enter into the cherished space where only God goes with us.
Grief is a marvel if we have the courage to throw our fear away to enter healing.
My son is, and always will be, such a precious soul to me. He is with God and I find that so hard to understand; he got there before me and he experienced nothing of this life.
I resolve to enjoy the bond with my stillborn son. It’s all I have so it’s all I need. I will be thankful for that which God provided me. I will miss no opportunity to know him.
© 2014 S. J. Wickham.