You’re approached by your teenage daughter to assist with her homework. It’s pretty clear that she’s in need of a lot of help and doesn’t recognise the level of effort that is actually required on her behalf; and, what’s more, she doesn’t appear to care that much.
You respond in one of two ways: first, you’ve already got a lot on and your daughter’s lack of care is beginning to grate on you. You act on the temptation to criticise even though you might feel it’s the wrong way to go. You get angry and she gets hurt. Imagine being able to control your emotions... the second response is about managing the situation proactively and positively so it’s win/win… it’s tapping into the power of distinctive relational competence that we can all develop.
There are three levels of relational competence:
Required – they’re competent at just getting along. This person might end up in some conflict that may become unresolved but for the main part they manage their relationships with basic effectiveness. They’re not the ‘arch-enemy’ of anyone.
Discretionary – these people sort out conflict. A person showing this level of relational skill will not always avoid conflict, but they can resolve it, perhaps in the next hour or next day. They have the humility and desire to want to nurture all their relationships.
Distinctive – this person is hyper-aware and intuitive enough to manage ‘the moment’ effectively. This person rarely ends up in conflict because their awareness is piqued in-the-moment and they resolve it with authenticity and care. They’ll act on hunches before they’ve lost the moment and therefore they suffer little, if any, regret. Relationships afford a high premium for these people and they invest their whole life making them better. Life is about other people for these people.
Our familial relationships are always the most testing. We seem forever destined to conflict, and negotiation as a way out of it. But it’s no different in the workplace if we look at it. There’s always someone who’ll go out of their way to press our buttons. But, it’s up to us how we manage it--they’re our emotions at the end of the day.
Becoming distinctively competent within our relationships is about year after year of practise, growth and reflection. It requires humility and a desire to want to be a positive influence in every life we touch.
Every interaction is an opportunity to be mastered, for the mutual benefit of all who partake.
Copyright © 2008, S. J. Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
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