Taming the Green-eyed Monster – How to Beat Envy

YOU’VE BEEN WRONGED. You’re livid and your first instinct is to get revenge. You can’t help it; you are so stripped of any good feeling towards this person, and your whole world seems consumed with retribution. You’re filled with hatred of anything that might be construed as success for this person, or any situation they might be involved with.

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Most people can identify with this situation; in truth, everyone can. It’s good old-fashioned envy. When we’ve fallen for the trap of envy, seduced by it and deceived no less, it can be a hard thing (and at times seemingly impossible) to reverse the poisonous effects of this emotion. It is acid for the victim and the perpetrator alike.

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According to Wikipedia, Envy is defined as “an emotion that ‘occurs when a person lacks another’s superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it.’”

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The causes of envy are often drawn from an upward comparison to others, though we’re particularly susceptible to feeling envious when making comparisons with those of similar standing to ourselves.

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So, how do we tackle and conquer this ‘green-eyed’ monster? The wisdom of Proverbs is a good place to start, particularly chapter 24. There is a simple idea in theory; be aware of and challenge our thinking. Our challenge is to divert our thinking to this:

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What to avoid: Attitudes lead to actions. The sort of envious attitude that “informs” our actions unfortunately ‘circles back’ and reinforces our held perceptions at a heart level—this is precisely why the emotion of envy is so poisonous and dangerous for our relationships. Envy is a power that seeks to destroy. It is clear that thinking that seeks to destroy must be remedied.

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What to embrace: Paul Koptak says that, “Envy is a power, but so it wisdom,” so we should embrace wisdom by replacing the destructive power of envy, with a power that builds and establishes, especially others like those weaker and less fortunate than ourselves. The power of advocacy! In some ways it is about diverting the attention from ourselves and placing it on those we can help. This employs the power of humility and pays heed to the truth that there are always others around us that don’t fare as well as we do.

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This change in thinking defeats envy at its source—an overweening focus on “me” versus a healthier focus on others.

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It is such a breath of fresh air to our souls to defeat envy; and always worth the effort.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2007.

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How to create a good reputation

[The Distance from Reputation to Character]

IT NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME how maligned some people are in the eyes of some. It is as if some people could do anything to the contrary and still be seen a certain, negative way. It must be so frustrating for a person to find they have a reputation that they can’t shake.

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To illustrate the point, say two people have known each other for years; they grew up together. One grew up holding the perception that the other was ‘tight-fisted’ with money. Now the perception is a reality for them, even though there’s not been much to support this perception. Every now and then they still refer and comment about this person’s ‘apparent’ unreasonable frugality. The person thought to be overly frugal or miserly is not that impressed that one story or event of frugality meant this reputation ‘stuck’ for what seems a lifetime. The reality for this situation from others’ viewpoints is actually contrary; this person is actually nothing like that—in fact, they are perhaps, at times, a little wasteful with money, and they are anything but selfish with their money, sharing without hesitation.

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This is the difference at times between our real character and the less reliable reality of a reputation. People who seem intent on keeping negative reputations alive are usually the ones who engage in gossip and seem to love fiction in their own lives—especially if it is at the expense of someone else. This is obviously very damaging for relationships; they can never mature in love in this sort of environment.

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Character is a far more reliable gauge of a person; it is the truth about us. It’s how you’d expect that person to respond and how they will 95 percent of the time. Character and decision-making have an interdependent relationship with virtue. The more we actually decide to be good and practice good virtue, like being kind and compassionate, the more our character is reinforced, within us and to those external to us, in these kind and compassionate ways. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy to act a certain way, for instance, when we exercise self-control through a decision, we strengthen our character around the virtue of self-control.

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Abraham Lincoln once said, ‘Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.’ Another, Thomas Paine said, ‘Reputation is what men and women think of us; character is what God and angels know of us.’ Yet another, Elbert Hubbard said, ‘Many a man’s reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.’

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Whether compared as a shadow to a tree, or what humans know of us as compared with God, it seems these quotes reinforce the distance often between reputation and the truth of our character.

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Where does this leave us in the quest for a good reputation? It seems all we can really do is decide to be good, reliable, and faithful, and then let the reputations form as they will, hoping that our true character will actually be seen for what it is.

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But, know this: If you get a negative reputation and people are not keen to shift their perception of you even with evidence that you’ve changed to the contrary, know that they are probably malicious at heart and don’t fret; heaven and earth won’t shake the untruth out of them.

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The good news of course is people with a commitment to living in the reality of truth will notice your changes for the good and your reputation will change for the better.

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Decide for the good, and be consistent, focussing more on your character than your reputation.
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© Steve J. Wickham, 2007.

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Speaking Truth: Many Words Trap Us

“Where words are many, sin is not absent.” Proverbs 10:19

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CAN YOU RELATE WITH the frustration in reflection of having heard yourself exaggerate something to make it sound more appealing or sensational? Why do we do this? Children do it all the time. Adults do it to. Is it because we are trying to gain more acceptance? Is it because we need the attention? Is it because we have unmet needs within? The reality however is our credibility (and the truth) suffers when we fall for the telling of a half-truth.

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The proverb quoted is pointing directly at the effects of talking too much—if we talk too much we’re more likely to lie. We need to understand that even though lies hurt others, they also hurt ourselves. We suffer the inevitable loss of credibility—if it actually counts among your peer group. The truth is untruths are sometimes cherished by some groups; though they’re not the target of this discussion. This advice is targeted at those who want, and see the need, to speak more truth.

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Anyone serious about becoming wise must contend that speaking too much is a trap, and that attaining credibility and keeping it are paramount. I once read that for every sixty things we say, one is untruth—a lie, an omission or exaggeration—meaning we inevitably lie at some point or other. The same writer (Bill Hybels) suggested it was a good idea to limit conversations to fifty-nine or fewer.

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The idea is if you want to be more honest and have, as a result, more integrity, and better credibility, you simply need to say less. We need to be more guarded in what we say; more self-controlled; more discreet. I don’t know about you, but hearing speech that is indiscreet and careless sort of angers me from within, because I see a lack of care in the speaker—lack of care is a lack of love.

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Anyone who considers themselves a spiritual being shouldn’t act carelessly; it goes against the grain of spirituality. If you want to be more spiritual and find it hard to limit or control your speech, what should you do?

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If you feel susceptible to this sort of weakness, of talking too much and lacking the self-control to limit your speech, perhaps you need to study the principles of prudence and discretion? I have defined prudence simply as, “Control of what enters or leaves the mouth.” (Whilst this might be an overly simplistic definition, it works for me.) Would it be true, that for the many who lack the control over their words, there are the same people who lack control over what and how much they eat? I wonder if there’d be any correlation. Prudence is self-control; it is wise living.

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Proverbs also tell us further effects of prudence behaviour. The prudent person, overlooks an insult, keeps their knowledge to themselves, acts out of knowledge (which are established facts), gives thought to their ways (and steps), is crowned with knowledge, takes refuge in the sight of danger, keeps quiet in times of trouble, and heeds correction.

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The final part of the proverb quoted above says, “...but he [or she] who holds his tongue is wise.” There are many positive effects of speaking less and speaking only the truth. The biggest and most positive effect is you will become wiser and more discerning for it. People will trust you more and you will gain more honour without even having to think about it, which is the way it should be.

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And when you think about it, speaking less brings more peace and tranquillity to your soul as there’s less pressure on you to please others. We don’t need to please others to make ourselves feel better within; only please them to love them.

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Reference: Hybels, B., Making Life Work—Putting God’s Wisdom Into Action (InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove, Illinois, 1998), p. 88f.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2007.

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Want long life, prosperity and honour?

WHAT IS THE SECRET OF LIFE? Most people would have to admit if pressed, that divining the mystery of life and discovering what they were here for, would be the most prized (and elusive) thing, simply because it seems unattainable. I recall a television program called “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” and the answer to the “Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything” was simply 42—of course, then they had to find out what the “Ultimate Question” was!! Nothing’s ever easy when trying to work out the meaning of life.

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Ask most people and there will be varied responses for the meaning of life—what we’re actually “here” for. Some will say, ‘to have a good time’, others might say, ‘to live and learn’, and still others, ‘to make money and enjoy spending it’. Ask me, and my answer is relatively clear: “I’m here to grow in wisdom.” I want to grow in my seven virtues: live the way of diligence and prudence; seek to create and sustain shalom and balance; live in a way that nurtures trust and upholds respect, and finally, settle for nothing less than wisdom.

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Wisdom: There’s no goal quite like it. The ancient’s held her up as the jewel of the crown of life—she is to be esteemed beyond any earthly treasure. Why is it there are so many over the course of time in history who’ve fallen in love with her? Let’s explore.

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The main point here is the “effect” of wisdom. What does wisdom really achieve for us? Because I have found wisdom of intense interest, I commenced my search some time ago. A bit like happiness, wisdom appears relatively elusive, but there are rewards for those who search for her.

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Amongst the research I have done, I’ve found that wisdom provides three salient things in abundance—as a general rule. Test this out. See if it applies in the lives of whom you see as wise. First, wisdom promises long life. This is longevity of life, and it is also quality of life through the years. Have you ever noticed how some people age quite quickly and by the time they enter their sixties or seventies they’re a spent force, while others push through these barriers seemingly at ease and are spritely at 90? The latter people are probably the ones who lived wisely, looking after their bodies and minds, achieving balance in life, living diligently and prudently, not foolishly. They lived at peace with their peers and weren’t swallowed up by worry and cancer from the so-called stresses of living and dysfunctional relationships all around them.

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Secondly, wisdom promises prosperity. This is shalom, the Jewish Hebrew word. It is everything truly good for us; wellbeing, wholeness, wealth (the right kind of wealth from the right way of living), peace, wellness, and an absence of agitation and discord. It is the feeling that you’ve cracked the code of life: you’ve achieved what you’ve been sent to do. Mission accomplished... that sort of thing. How many people actually sit back at 70, reflecting in their lives, and say “My whole life I’ve felt like that”? Not many I would suggest; yet, that’s exactly what our goal should be—to have not wasted our lives by simply living, but to make it count in some way, by working on leaving a legacy, having a purpose. It’s about seeking the right things in life. The effect is prosperity. It’s about teaching your children those same right things and guiding them day by day, and seeing them ‘crack the code’. What better outcome could there be than this sort of prosperity?

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The third and final promise of wisdom is honor! I love something I read recently, again from theologian, Paul Koptak, “Nothing earns honor more than working for goals higher than praise.” We all seek praise and honor in life. Yet, Wisdom turns this on its head and simply says, Forget about seeking honor itself and seek ME first and I will give you the honor at the right time—what’s more, I will give it in ways and in amounts that you will feel completely grateful for—but don’t work for honor alone. Work to attain ME instead.

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Nothing satisfies quite like a good name—a good reputation. Don’t work for praise and honor alone, just do the right, just, and fair things and honorable things will come to you by themselves. Forget about competing with and comparing with others. Focus on doing the right thing.

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Of course, to attain wisdom really means to attain God—to be at peace with him. As God is love, so God is wisdom.

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Seek wisdom; get wisdom; clamber for it, search for it, and never give up. You will never regret it as you achieve the true treasure of life: long life, prosperity, and honor. Not only will you achieve the treasure, you will also come much closer to knowing with faithful certainty, the true meaning of life.

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2007.

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Something More Significant Than Happiness

I GOT MY FIRST Blog "comment". This is what Paul has written in response to my article, "The Paradox of Happiness":

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One way I think about this is that identity is more significant than happiness - more meaningful. Who we are, who we discover ourselves to be, gives peace even in the face of tremedous adversity where, if happiness were our goal, we'd be overcome.

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Being new to art of Blogging I was blessed to find someone take the time to comment on something I had written, and especially someone from the other side of the world, and someone so qualified to comment.

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Thanks Paul. You have caused me to reflect more; May God bless you this New Year coming!

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Reflecting now, and there is something very profound yet paradoxically quite simple in what Paul's said. I'm going to let it marinate for a while...

Keep Moving Forward

(also titled "Causes of Crowns – The Truest Defence")

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WELL, WHAT MIGHT WE SAY about the tests of life? This is poignant. You’re struggling with a certain person, or a certain situation, and you’re ‘in the moment’, and like so many times you feel you’ve failed the test, lost your cool and said the wrong thing, or said the right thing in the wrong way, which has been just as damaging. You’re with someone you love perhaps and you feel you still can’t control the situation; you still can’t say the right thing—it’s all a bit futile.

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This situation must resonate with everyone surely. I find the lead up to Christmas, ironically, very taxing in this regard. It is like everyone is on under more pressure, a little more stressed, and ready to pounce on any loose word they might encounter. It doesn’t make for a favourable environment for love to have its way. Again, an irony; Christmas is supposed to be about love and generosity, isn’t it?

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How do we successfully negotiate the testing time? How do we survive these tests and behave like the saint we need to be in order to not upset people, particularly loved ones?—and, more to the point, how do we get through with our sanity intact?

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This is where my search for truth has taken me to some great wisdom quotes, some from quite unusual sources.

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I love the motion picture, Meet The Robinsons. Not only is the animation first class, but it provides such a cool and salient ‘never give up’ theological message. The main character, an orphaned boy named Lewis, eventually becomes Cornelius Robinson; inventor extraordinaire of the future. For Lewis to reach his destiny takes some wise choices on his behalf—he takes some wise advice, particularly from his future wife who he meets as a grown woman in the future. More to the point though, the theme of the movie is encapsulated in the following Walt Disney quote which is shown at the end of the film.

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“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we’re curious... and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” [Italics added]

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-Walt Disney.

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Lewis simply learns that the only way to really succeed in life is to never give up. The idea that earns Lewis success is to simply keep moving forward, to keep trying no matter how disillusioned he might get. The key movie illustration is his time machine invention that went through a thousand failed attempts, all of which the Robinson’s are proud of, in retrospect.

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Is there a lesson in this for us? No doubt. The concept of keeping on moving forward obviously involves such character in going against the grain of our emotions; the tendency we have to give up when the going gets tough. Of course, the only thing worse than giving up is the feeling of being the loser as you beat yourself up over it!

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There has to be a better way.

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I wonder if the trick in this thinking lies with curiosity—as stated in Disney’s quote? Instead of being swayed by defeat, curiosity is a much more powerful motivator; it gives weight to the fact that defeat is a strong negative motivator, because curiosity is such a potentially cogent positive motivator—it can drive us anyway; there really is no limit.

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There is a paradox in this truth here! If we can only get over the issue or disappointment in our midst, and as Walt Disney says, “Keep moving forward,” we can sow for ourselves hope of not only a better day, but a miraculous day... a situation that only God could touch. This has to be tried. We don’t have a chance of seeing this unless we try it. Now this is faith.

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The Apostle Paul stated in his letter to the Romans similar things, inspiring things. He said “If God is for us, who can be against us?” In other words, if we are trying to do the right, just, and fair thing and we are being trounced for it, we will eventually succeed and be made right for it. God, or if you like, the forces of nature and life, will eventually make it so. It is more appropriate to keep moving forward in doing the right thing, than be swayed by our emotions.

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The following Chrysostom quote captures the essence of this. It is very simply, faith:

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Yet those that be against us, so far are they from thwarting us at all, that even without their will they become to us causes of crowns, and procurers of countless blessings, in that God’s wisdom turns their plots unto our salvation and glory.

See how really no one is against us!

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The real life practicality of this advice is this: If you do not give up in your endeavours, trying always to find the right way, you will eventually succeed. What is more, the Christian faith (and perhaps others—I am not be exclusionist here) commands that whilst we willingly suffer in the midst of a situation, God is turning these things out for us, and against the very people who might be trying to make life more difficult for us. If it weren’t a law of God’s nature, it would be magic.

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The trick is endurance through the period of suffering; a commitment to be steadfast in your love, that no matter what, you don’t strike back, you keep moving forward.

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There is a trick of the mind involved here. There is a training lesson. First, take on the theory. No one can be against us if we are living for truth. We have forces in our favour that no one is able to manipulate. The second thing we must do is actually practise the matter of having faith and persisting, even to the point of suffering anguish and torment—if the matter is very important, it might be the only way.

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Give it a go; you have nothing to lose in trying. You might even find the power of life in this, that no one can stand against us in the fight for real truth. Not one.

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It’s appropriate to finish with the Robinson’s. The song Little Wonders by Rob Thomas, is the sound track of the movie and it captures the essence of “what to do”: Keep moving forward.

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let it go,

let it roll right off your shoulder

don’t you know the hardest part is over

let it in,

let your clarity define you

in the end we will only just remember how it feels

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let it slide,

let your troubles fall behind you

let it shine

until you feel it all around you

and I don’t mind if it’s me you need to turn to

we’ll get by,

it’s the heart that really matters in the end

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© Steve J. Wickham, 2007.

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The Paradox of Happiness

“All that is best for us comes of itself into our hands—but if we strive to overtake it, it perpetually eludes us.”

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-Ananda Coomaraswamy

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WAS THERE EVER such a more important goal in life as Happiness? Everyone desires it. Happiness, contentment, satisfaction, fulfilment... Whatever you call it, it commands we sit up and take notice, otherwise we become miserable. The concept is entrenched in Western culture. The term ‘they lived happily ever after’ is the idealistic life we all strive for, though we know well enough that it’s only really applicable in fairy tales where everything turns out well. The truth is we all want life to turn out in contentment and satisfaction. We would be less than human if this weren’t so. But, here’s a warning: happiness is elusive!

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It seems a contradiction in terms that happiness is difficult to get. It should be simple, yet I suspect each one of us identifies deep within us the need for satisfaction which is never satiated. We can attain happiness for a day, a week, a month, a year. But it never lasts.

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In observing our “buy now, pay later” culture, there are so many people who spend their whole lives (and all the money they earn, and some they don’t earn!) just trying to “be” happy, or trying to achieve happiness. The truth: Happiness is elusive—in striving for it we often negate it. As the proverb says, staying happy is like grasping oil with the hand—it’s impossible to contain.

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It is not wrong to want happiness, but it is wrong to go about getting it in a way that disregards other important factors of life. This is the trap. Happiness ought to be the by-product (coming as a result of what we do) not the main-product (the reason for doing something itself). Process is more important than outcome. This explains the quotation at the beginning. Strive for happiness and it perpetually eludes us. We need to almost forget about it in order to achieve it.
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Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl also said, “To the extent to which one makes happiness the objective of his motivation, he necessarily makes it the object of his attention. But precisely by doing so he loses sight of the reason for happiness, and happiness itself must fade away.” [italics added]

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Seen as a process we have happiness as a high target—“the objective”, meaning a high emphasis of focus is placed on it; this in effect negates the reason for happiness, and happiness fades away. It has to. This truth pays homage to the fact that we often get what we give. Strive instead for right, good, just, and true things, simply because it is right, and happiness must come, eventually.

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Again, Viktor Frankl said,

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“Success and happiness must happen, the less one cares for them, the more they can.”

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Happiness defined in the world’s typical way seems to be linked with the achievement of a target or a goal like, ‘if I achieve this thing, I’ll be happy and content’. Most of us know, at least subconsciously, that rarely, if ever, does it work out this way. We are happy for a time with the new acquisition or “toy”, but soon the novelty wears off. This is the wrong way to happiness. It puts happiness as the goal, and disregards the path, the means of getting there.

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Happiness has been formularised thus: Happiness = K (Knowing who you are) + D (Discovering your life’s work) + L (Learning not to tolerate what’s not important). That's the formula for happiness—know yourself, [know] your true calling, and that you get what you tolerate (i.e. we should only tolerate what is important and leads us toward the goal—for instance, don’t tolerate bad habits that prevent you reaching a goal).[i]

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To get to know who we are requires a profound spiritual journey. It cannot be achieved any other way. There is no depth that can be plumbed here. Each of us is radically and profoundly shaped within. We cannot ever be anything close to truly happy unless we become spiritual, acknowledging our innate spirituality. A word of warning however—there are many crooked paths to this goal; be wise and choose the right path! You don’t need to find yourself further from the goal than ever. This is the devil’s aim—to confuse your spirituality.

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Discovering your life’s work in itself is bamboozling. How many teens get so stressed out (along with their parents) when trying to work out the “right career path”. How do we know? We don’t know what we don’t know. Without having tried some things we won’t have a hope of really knowing. Some however do in fact “just know”, and seem to have always known, what they’ve been “called” to do.

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I believe what renowned psychologist, Martin Seligman said. What we have to shift is the emphasis. Instead of focussing on our feelings, we must work positively on those things that naturally stimulate and drive us; each of us is “called” to certain work. “Work” in this way is a blessing; in fact, we can’t really feel truly contented without having worked for it.
It’s also about appreciating the moment.

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Happiness, said Benjamin Franklin,

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"Is produced not so much by great pieces of good fortune that seldom happen as by the little advantages that occur every day."

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It has been written of Seligman again... It's about outgrowing our obsessive concern with how we feel. He says, "The time has arrived for a science that seeks to understand positive emotion, build strength and virtue, and provide guideposts for finding what Aristotle called the 'good life'."

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Now we’ve considered the first two, we need the courage to identify and correct those things that hinder the process of attaining them, essentially enwrapping these two. What do we just simply tolerate that we should not? Anyone of real significance in the world has met with and conquered this challenge. The challenge remains however—it is a dynamic process lasting through our lifespan.

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What shall it be then to summarise? Firstly, don’t be tempted to short cut the process of happiness. I believe Christ said words to the effect, “seek first God and his ways, and all these (worldly) things will be given to you as well.” We need to do things because they’re right and right things will then happen to us.

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We all have incredible significance, potentially. Perhaps the key to happiness lies in attaining the life we can have—an investment in getting to know ourselves, our life’s work, and ensuring nothing unimportant gets in the way.

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What’s your destiny? Your happiness is probably linked with it.

© Steve J. Wickham, 2007.

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[i] Source: (http://home.att.net/~signatureseries/happiness.htm)

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BE THE CHANGE!

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

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-Mahatma Gandhi

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THIS QUOTE IS AN AMAZING TRUTH toward the ‘doing’ rather than simply the ‘saying’. Ghandi was without doubt one of the most incredible human beings who ever lived. What was it that he saw in the world that commanded him to believe this and therefore actually ‘do’ it? There seems to be so much talk and so little action these days; it is wearisome believing people who command your attention when they promise change, when you know to expect more of the same.

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Sayin’ and doin’. These two words are poles apart, worlds apart. When we’ve heard it all and seen very little there can be an incredible sense of disillusionment that pervades us. This might look like a form of learned helplessness, as we see things in our world requiring change in response to the truth we see, yet there is no change, and may never be any. Now that’s not a good looking picture. It reminds me of sayings like, “Nothing changes if nothing changes,” or “What is the definition of insanity: expecting vastly different results from the same methods”. Insanity.

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We’ve heard of the Intelligence Quotient, but what I am more interested with here is the ‘Credibility Quotient’. How is a person to become credible and maintain credibility? I’m not going to suggest anything scientific. But I would suggest that if people say what they mean and mean what they say, and prove it by actually doing it, it makes a strong case for their credibility, and the efficacy of change. They’re easier to trust and follow the next time around.

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Credibility and trust are crucial in leadership. Without these elements a leader will struggle to command any sense of respect with his or her charges. So, what gives with credibility—what does it look like? It means that if you’re a leader you must be prepared to be ‘part of the pain’ of change if you expect to see it work. A leader needs to get in and get dirty with the change by getting involved. Now, this just makes pure common sense to me, but it is amazing how many so-called leaders simply don’t pay any interest in getting involved, and making the necessary sacrifices in leading people through a change process. The character (humility and respect etc) of the leader comes out when people see them actually committing to the changes they all see as required—they share a common understanding and a common goal.

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Change in the home is very similar. If you’re in a relationship and there is abuse or inequity, you want and need change. If you see no commitment to change, or your partner is simply saying things to appease you, it’s a worry. How do you facilitate the change you want to see? You could “be the change” as Ghandi suggests. It’s a good starting point. Even more pointedly, if you are the partner who is the perpetrator of the abuse, “Be the change” you want to see; actually start doing it one-day, one-moment-at-a-time. Don’t make excuses or put it off any longer: do it now! Continuing change in this environment is simple if you keep it that way. Like giving anything up, simply keep going one-moment-at-a-time and I can guarantee you the forces that seem so powerful now won’t be in a month or two. That might seem a way off; focus: one-day-at-a-time.

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“Doing change” means staying within your sphere of influence. This is so important. How many people get cheesed off with things that concern them, but they don’t have the ability to change? This is a waste of energy. Let’s explore the remedy. Let’s take a look at a unique characteristic we all have: the ability to form original perceptions.

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Perceptions are funny things; we all have them and they are so varied, and even subtle differences place us a long way away from each other. If we are wise we’ll seek to test our perceptions far enough to say, “Can I do something about this concern?” If the answer is ‘yes’ it is something we can influence: we can actually do something about it. This reminds me of the slogan World Vision used in their 40-hour famine promotion this year... ‘Do something... Do something real... Do something else’ (other than procrastinate). There is no sense in getting ‘all in a tizz’ about something we can’t do anything about, so if the answer to our question is ‘no’ we need to learn to move on, and as the Serenity Prayer suggests, we need to ‘accept the things we cannot change’.

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Now, we commence a totally different ball game if the answer was ‘yes’ and we feel sufficiently passionate about it. This is where the work begins. We’ve done the easy bit, now the ‘proof will be in the pudding’ as they say. Enabling a change process to the “doing” requires planning, commitment, energy and resources. It can only be limited by a lack of passion and commitment.

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I heard recently that a way to reach your goals was via the “bridge of self-discipline”. Isn’t it correct? We can’t achieve any worthwhile goal without needing to restrain our desires. Whether our desire might be stunted by laziness (procrastination) or fed by greed, the antidote is self-discipline; diligence in one word. This word symbolises the correct spirit in activity. It is everything dependable, done in the right way, and with the right intent.

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Doing the things our mind and heart says are important—those things we can actually do—is really important for our self-belief and self-efficacy. Doing things, over simply just saying them, is such a pointer of character because it shows people around you how diligent you are, how committed to ideals you are, and how compassionate you are.

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If you are able to consistently convert the things you say to the activity of doing them, ‘Then, my son [or daughter]’ as Rudyard Kipling said in his poem “If”, ‘You will be a Man [or Woman].’

© Steve J. Wickham, 2007.

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Just need a little patience

WHEN DRIVING IN TRAFFIC recently I was again amazed by the gall of some motorcyclists...

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Queue jumpers! There seems to be a mentality amongst many people who ride motorbikes that there exists a 'third lane' on the dual-lane carriageway. That they can zip up through the slowing traffic, to claim first place, is amazing. If someone did this while queuing at a bank or Medicare or at the shops they'd be rudely mistaken, and roundly abused!

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The particular day I had this experience, I noticed something unusual--a motorcyclist obediently following a car, staying in the one lane, and being a model motorist. I was taken by his behaviour to such an affect I was tempted to wind my driver's window down and applaud him!

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Sometimes we're disappointed in life...

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No sooner had I had this experience, I was confronted with four motorbikes (one after the other) zipping past me (me in the left-hand lane) and driving in a manner that was not simply rude but downright haphazard--as if their homes were on fire and they urgently rushed--priority one--home. The long and the short of it was, the model motorcyclist must have seen this behaviour and figured he was wasting his time being so obedient and considerate of other road users, because only a few kilometres down the road and he commenced the same erratic and inconsiderate behaviour, albeit more conservatively.

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I have often wondered what happens at a deeper level with this sort of person. Does the 'queue-jumping' motorcyclist eventually change, seeking to be first at all times, in other areas of his or her life? Do they become more selfish in the long run than those who drive cars? What is their attitude towards obeying the law; can it be flouted in other ways like they seem to think it can be on the road? What does it do for their character's--are they impatient people, requiring first service. Whatever the long-term psychological effect, it can't be a positive one, can it?

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I call on all motorcyclists to obey the road rules and prove they are not recalcitrants, one-by-one. I wonder if I will see in my lifetime a reform in the way motorbikes are ridden on the road; where they seek to courteously give way and ride responsibly. I want to, no need to, respect every human being, but it is a huge challenge to respect some. It is my prayer that something will happen that will cause reform however. Perhaps car motorists who see respectful motorcyclists could give them some sort of kudos; perhaps give them the thumbs-up as they record their number plate and report them for an award! Perhaps the State could get on-board with this?

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I know this is a tolerance test for me, and God, I am thankful for it. It reminds me to breath-in and thank him that I am not in such a hurry, that life is a little less frenzied for me. It reminds me to hasten slowly, to continue on my patient way, and to pray that these motorcyclists make it to their destinations safely--it might be one of my family members or a friend that might be involved with them in a traffic accident. Needless to say (though I will say it) it causes regrettable suffering for some family or other who suffers the loss or injury of one or more of their own.

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When it comes to a road death, the rest is history.

The Work/Life Balance Conundrum

I LOVE the following quote. It resonated within me afresh recently. Like all insightful wisdom quotes it oozes truth and speaks into all our lives. The only sad thing for me is some just don’t get it. Here goes:

“Forget about trying to achieve the mythical work/life balance. Identify your priorities and make sure they align with the other people in your life who are important. Once this is done, the stress and frustration of trying to achieve work/life balance will disappear.”

-David Deane-Spread

The first thing I observe in this piece of truth is that it assumes most people these days find achieving a balance in life priorities particularly arduous. I mean, it is hard work attending to all the significant areas of life; giving appropriate time and energy to all the pursuits we find important, is it not? The quote challenges this. Is it really that hard to get our lives balanced? If you are like me, you could be seriously tempted to throw the whole concept of ‘burnout’ out for good!—but it is never ever that simple is it?

The second thing the quote mentions is that ‘work/life balance’ is a myth—the achievement of same. This is why it is a conundrum. Most people tend to chase their tails in achieving the magical utopia of balance in life. The struggle is often because of the many things to balance, let alone the many relationships we try to maintain. Most of these relationships have some form of dysfunction or other—we are human after all; add to this the almost unattainable goals we seek to achieve in life. No wonder it’s hard.

For many it is far too hard to even bother with, so they give up on achieving what shadowy goals they might have had, or shelve plans for the thing or situation that might stretch them. The sadness of a life never lived! Of course, we all do this to a greater or lesser extent; forego dreams of the big that is apparently ‘bigger than us’. The example I give however, is about the person’s life which is out of control, perhaps with too many superficial relationships, and too much ‘noise’—too much on, too little real progress, too many interruptions to the flow of life. It a messy life from the outside looking in.

The very positive side of this quote of course is that it’s amazingly powerful on hope. It states that the ‘frustration and stress will disappear,’ not maybe, but it will. That alone is reason enough to give it a go.

You might be saying “give what a go?”

Implicit in the quote is the commitment to an exercise of alignment—aligning roles and goals, and your priorities and values within the realm of key familial, business, and friendship relationships. There is so much material around now on how to actually do this. How could you not do this with such a powerful end in mind?

This is a challenge to all of us—and a challenge of maintenance. We must not fool ourselves into believing that once we’ve ‘sorted it’ it won’t present a challenge any longer. The nature of life is we tend to learn and re-learn things; we are presented with much the same problems ‘life’ problems through the journey. They are simply packaged differently, come at a different time, and reach (or hit) us at a different level, involving at times, different people—the common thread is ‘you’ or ‘me’.

But once we have our life finally balanced, the things that threw it out of balance in the first place are likely to be subdued for a time, before they again raise their ugly heads once more, and then again, and again over our lifetimes, in different and mysterious ways. This is the nature of life.

So, are there any excuses? If we’ve got a complaint about the ‘rub of life’ regarding balance, why not take a tip from this quote and challenge yourself?

What have you got to lose?

© Steve J. Wickham, 2007.

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From Vows to Eternity: Getting Married and Staying That Way

Many know that my wife photographs the occasional Wedding. We felt we wanted to give couples something extra when they get their DVD of photos... we want to leave a legacy...

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WHEN TWO PEOPLE MARRY they marry for life. That’s the purpose of marriage isn’t it? I mean when you marry you don’t do it for a defined period do you? It is “for life”. We have not ever known a couple who married with the intention of it not lasting the rest of their lives, but if there were some, I would hazard a guess they are heading toward divorce, eventually.

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Marriage is the period from vows to eternity; at least when one of you passes away. The duration of your marriage could be anything from a few months to seventy-plus years and it is easily the biggest commitment you will ever make. Think about it, everything that you do from the Wedding day on, stems from your marriage relationship, and the impacts of nearly all things you will do will always have to be considered.

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Christian people believe marriage is a covenant agreement, meaning once we are married, we are bound to our marriage partner; it is more than a contract that can be broken if the “conditions” are not met—it is binding, forever! Having said that, there are very limited circumstances where breaking a Christian marriage may be necessary. For instance, ongoing abuse with no sign of remorse and seeking help.

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Many people believe in God, and this is the unique perspective from which we want to share with you! And even if you do not believe in God, what harm will it do to continue reading this little article? It may provide something for you to think on?

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We believe good marriages are built. They are constructed and maintained; always attended to. It takes commitment one-day-at-a-time for the rest of our lives—we believe we will never attain perfection in our marriage and we can tell you that brings us an enormous amount of comfort; yes, we are glad. It takes a commitment to learning about each other and serving each other; that the other may be placed ahead of the self. This sounds easy in theory, and we believed it would be, but it is entirely different placing our partner in the “better” position to ourselves in practice.

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Marriage is mostly about commitment. Commitment in marriage is welded with Passion and Intimacy—see the book “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts” about this “love triangle” and how critical it is to focus on all three sides. Whilst it is important to recognise that passion will wax and wane, and for that matter intimacy too, commitment is something that has to be non-negotiable and unconditional right throughout the marriage. We are told, and we believe, that there will be “dry times” in our marriage that will mean our relationship could need to survive on commitment alone. We (and you) need to be ready! If two people stay committed to marriage, and any significant issues are dealt with, the marriage will last the distance.

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It is also important to always do the right thing in marriage no matter the cost, having faith that all the little things will add up to a wonderful harvest of love and a rich marriage relationship.

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Troubleshooting marriage problems before they become issues. We feel quite strongly that we will always require help in our marriage. As we mentioned before, this brings us comfort because it takes some of the pressure off. Many people are into personal life coaching today, and similarly, we have a “marriage coach”. Our coach is a counsellor but we use her as a coach for frequent pulse checks. This is particularly important in the first few years of marriage, and also wherever there is significant change in the family unit, for instance, when a baby is born. Many things can be said in the “safety” of a coaching/counselling environment without the fear of the issue (and all marriages have “issues”) degenerating into an argument.

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Marriage is about communication. It is listening and understanding every word our partner is not saying. It is paying attention to not only the words, but also the tone, the body language, and the mood. Paying attention to the unique way to love your partner and not overstep their boundaries are both vital to sustaining a great marriage. The “Love Languages” and “Boundaries” books recommended are there to assist you.

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Marriage is about choosing to believe the best in each other. It is critical to the operation of any relationship, and marriages in particular, to know that our partner is not there just to make us happy. It is very important that our happiness should be derived from our self-concept and also from God—who can make anyone happy in any circumstance—history has proven this over again. Do not look to your partner to do what no-one can do other than yourself; that is to choose to be happy and be responsible for yourself. The book “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts” mentions a habit that we commend to you; it is “the habit of happiness”.

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Forgiveness. Every marriage partner should remember three words—not just, ‘I love you,’ but ‘Please forgive me’ and the reciprocal three words, ‘I forgive you’. Forgiveness and grace in marriage is absolutely essential. Without it you and your partner will often feel shipwrecked and lost. Forgiveness is sweet and refreshing to the soul of both partners, and it is life to any marriage, and any relationship for that matter!

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You have an assignment: That is to be the object lesson of a faithful person so your children, friends and family, also get the blessings you’re getting. Focus on it, and loving your partner, as if your very life depends on it, because it does!

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Finally, it would be remiss of us to not send you, a most lovely and blessed married couple, the blessing of God through our Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ…

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May He, God, remain the central figure in your relationship together. May you never take each other’s love for granted, but always experience that wonder that exclaims out of all the world, ‘you have chosen me,’ and when life is done, may you be found then as now, hand in hand, still thanking God for each other, and may you serve Him happily, faithfully together until Christ returns in glory, OR, until at last one shall lay the other to rest in the arms of the Saviour. All this through the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.

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Books we recommend:
“Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts” (“SYMBIS”) – Seven Questions to Ask Before—and After—You Marry, Expanded & Updated Version, by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott, 1995 & 2006 (Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan).

Called a practical self-guided pre-marital counselling course, it is also very good for married couples. It involves seven questions to ask before—and after—you marry.

Questions deal with marriage myths, love styles, the habit of happiness, mean what you say—say what you mean, bridging the gender gap, how to fight a good fight, and being a soul mate.

“Intended for Pleasure” – Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage, by Ed Wheat, M.D., and Gaye Wheat, Third Edition, 1981, 1997, 2005 (Baker Book House Company, Grand Rapids, Michigan).

A great book to learn “how to” have sex; also an excellent troubleshooting guide as sex can be harder (i.e. satisfying for both of you) than you think!! It is a good starting point in your sexual exploration and discovery of each other.

Tim LaHaye writes, “The most medically accurate description of sexual function… available today… presented in wholesome terms that would be of help to any married or soon-to-be married couple.”

“Five Love Languages, The” – How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, Gary Chapman, 1992, 1995 (Northfield Publishing, Chicago).

This series of books has saved many a family and breathed life into many a marriage. The five love languages are 1) Quality time, 2) Words of affirmation, 3) Gifts, 4) Acts of Service, and 5) Physical touch. Do you know your partner’s preferred love languages? You should!

You’ll learn to speak and understand the unique languages of love, effectively expressing your love, as well as feel truly loved in return.

“Boundaries” – When to Say Yes; When to Say No; Take Control of Your Life, Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend, 1992, 1996, 2004 (Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan by special arrangement from Strand Publishing).

Boundaries are healthy in all relationships; marriage is no exception. This book guides people on setting up physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual boundaries.

At times Christian people try so hard to please people that they forget their own limits and limitations, and how to wisely manage their own needs. This book is a “how to” for considering boundaries in all your relationships.

Newly married couples have a lot of boundary setting to do… partner, parents, parents-in-law, children etc.

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T h e A r t o f M a r r i a g e
A good marriage must be created.
In marriage the little things are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say 'I love you' at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together and facing the world.....
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.
It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is not only marrying the right person.
It is being the right partner.

Wilferd A. Peterson.
This poem was included in a 1961 anthology published by Simon & Schuster, USA, and copyrighted in the name of Wilferd A. Peterson.

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What is Wisdom?

THE WORD SEEMS ESOTERIC to many people; indeed, it can mean many different things, and I dare say there are a lot of variations on the definitions people would give for it. It has been sought by peoples and written about in all sorts of circles for millenniums. From the spiritual to the philosophical, to the practical worldly wisdom, and now to today’s form of knowledge management, Wisdom has captivated and intrigued many a heart. It still remains however; Wisdom is something tangible, unique, and inspiring. So, let us take a broad look at it.

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Wisdom is timeless. The Bible tells us that Wisdom existed before God created the world; that wisdom, the embodiment of truth and the natural law, was ‘written’ or designed prior to the concept of a worldly Creation(including the creation of ‘beings’). I suppose it is like recognising that things have always been the way they’ve always been; like the law of cause and effect: Do one thing and you might expect a certain outcome—that sort of thing. Wisdom from this viewpoint is the way things invariably work out—not always, but most of the time, with a certain level of predictability. From this perspective, it’s reliable, and it is truth; it is the way.

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Wisdom is truth. Think about it: Could you substitute the word Wisdom for Truth and vice versa? I have tried this a little in the recent past and found it works most of the time. Ah, another word that is hard to define! Truth. Truth seems to have very many varied definitions. For example, we have objective and subjective truth. Objective truth is absolute, irrefutable and works basically 100 percent of the time; subjective truth, for one example, is something we human beings hold from our experience; as evidenced by our perceptions—it is partly true, but never wholly true as our experience is limited. This is why we hold such slightly different views to others around us. There is no one of us that agrees with one other all of the time; even married couples and best friends have disagreements—we hold different ‘truths’.

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Wisdom from a ‘universal law’ position is truth because it works out that way most, if not all the time. Given enough time for one particularly outcome to emerge, it does. Viewed this way, Truth can also be seen as Wisdom, because of its reliability and longevity. It’s worked that way for thousands of years. The truth always intrigues us; why do some seemingly vague and non-objective truths seem to work out, over time?

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Like the ‘law’ (or Wisdom) of sowing and reaping. We know why good things come back to us; it’s generally because people we’re relating with want to return a kindness we’ve extended, but there are so many factors that cloud the predictability of the actual outcome. We spiritual beings know it as truth and believe in it and practice it. People who are not so spiritual do not necessarily believe in it and therefore do not recognise it as truth in the same way.

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In this way, truth and wisdom often also require faith. We don’t know that something, an action we do, will turn out well, but we do it in faith; and our faith must be ‘big enough’ to cope with the eventual disappointment of not seeing the action turn out the way we’d intended it to. Our faith is repaid most of the time, or even some of the time. The person with the biggest faith continues to act (in wisdom and in faith) with almost the complete absence of reason to continue—for all intents and purposes, the act is not working. So, in this situation, Wisdom (which is truth) is added to faith, in the form of an act or series of acts, toward a goal—we could call this applied Wisdom.

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Wisdom is applied knowledge. This leads us to the most common definition of Wisdom: worldly wisdom. Truth (knowledge: knowing truth) added to faith (application: the act of acting) equals wisdom. It is only wise if it turns out that way—the “proof is in the pudding” as they say. This seems to be the best basic world understanding of the term Wisdom. It is like the best question ever: “What is the wise thing to do in this situation?” If we were to ask ourselves that more frequently, there would be a lot less pain in the world, because we would add faith to our knowledge and act in diligence—doing what we can do, or we’d add knowledge to our faith and be more prudent.

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In this way, wisdom is applying the things we know as truth, the more-or-less objective or semi-objective truth; it happens this way nearly all the time. This takes courage and discipline and a range of other character qualities.

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Wisdom is applying common sense. Wise living must be the goal of every sensible human being—it is the way of common sense. Common sense is said to be ‘not very common’! but in actual fact it is common; it seems not to be common because we humans are so fraught with failing—it is our nature to fail occasionally.

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Living wisely is applying common sense and discipline via the values of diligence and prudence; it is seeing the world from the standpoint of shalom, which is from a state of tranquillity, peace, personal wholeness, and comfort-with-self; it is being in a state of balance—time, energy, and priorities all in line and optimised beautifully; it is having the capacity to trust sufficiently in the outcome—faith as mentioned previously; and finally, it is based upon a firm foundation of respect: because we feel in our acting that it is right and just and fair, honourable, and considerate.

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Wisdom needs a stack of virtues to support its weight. Try these six above (diligence, prudence, shalom, balance, trust and respect) and see if Wisdom will stand for you—all of these virtues share an interdependence with Wisdom. There is no better reward for life itself than endeavouring the ‘wise way’. Wisdom is the very best thing to invest in.


© Steve J. Wickham, 2007.

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