Tuesday, October 1, 2019

What can never be said about a narcissist

Undeservingly, one of our female elders said to me, “You’re a good man,” whilst in the company of two other men; one her husband of forty-plus years.
Without a moment’s thought I said, “Well, I have my moments…” to which she replied, also without a moment’s thought: “Yes, you all do.” A wry smile and a moment of silent agreement was shared by us all. A meeting of the minds!
As I analysed this short conversation later, what struck me was the polar opposite truth on display; what I meant when I said, “Well, I have my moments,” was a double entendre. I literally meant, I have moments when I’m a good man AND I also have moments when I am not. I have my moments.
What I found in the elder’s response was a fantastically incisive encouragement. Literally, I’m not the only man who has ‘moments’. And to be compared with her husband, to be considered ‘normal’, is indeed a blessing.
The pattern narcissist has problems in this regard. They see themselves as better than normal, even if deep down they have vast insecurities. They also don’t have moments with the people they transgress that can simply be brushed off and forgiven.
Their moments paralyse their target and traumatise their prey.
What cannot be said about a narcissist is that goodness characterises their attitude and behaviour along with the occasional lapse. It may be the other way around for some, but for many of the transgressed there is literally no time when their narcissist acts in a good way; being characterised by the bad, they’re unsafe, and unsafe people create unsafe circumstances. An inescapable global reality is created which dominates all moments we have with them.
Think of the flattery that the narcissist regularly mixes with their entitled sense to exploiting their victim otherwise. No amount of ‘encouraging words’ makes an iota of difference to make us feel more comfortable in their presence.
To every man, woman and child, when we feel unsafe, we ARE unsafe.
Of course, the narcissist is serendipitously adept at gaslighting, and they would cause others to be viewed as the problem… “Not much good in [this person or that person].”
The normal person, though they have their moments, is characterised as safe most of the time. They reflect over those moments they’re less themselves and a pain for others, and they apologise sincerely for falling short of the relational standard. That’s how most human beings operate.
But the narcissist is characterised by being tough to tolerate.
Small doses are enough, and in many circumstances far too much. Without the capacity to reflect on their impact on others, for they haven’t the empathy, they don’t and won’t apologise. They’re never wrong, and when pressed when they do apologise, we quickly find they lack sincerity.
Apology has an objective for the narcissist to get something. Apology is never about apologising; it’s always about gaining something they want. To truly apologise would be to display ‘weakness’ and they won’t have a bar of that.
What cannot be said about a narcissist is they’re willing to relate on an equal playing field; they don’t have the capacity to apologise; they cannot be characterised as being good even some of the time.

Photo by Jason Hafso on Unsplash

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