Broken Open by Teary Gratitude

I’m often befuddled by how impossible it is to write on the experience I’ve had countless times — joy in suffering.  It frustrates me that I cannot seem to communicate how it works.  

So I’m trying again.  

It seems that there is a place for deep gratitude amid great suffering, and when we contemplate that gratitude is possible in the worst pain, it then becomes possible.  I might even venture to say that with great suffering there is also the entry of deep gratitude.  But this I think is not a universal experience.  

Joined with the coalescence of gratitude and suffering — their being together in the same person and season — is this idea of being broken open by pain, rather than simply being broken by it.  

I recall those times 20-22 years ago when I felt very broken by what my life had become.  These times, many nights, and certainly some whole days, I was a sodden mess, but not always without hope.  

The reality of my being resurrected from the pain of my life seemed real — I had hope — but my life was still so full of pain.  I had hope, though there were times I simply gave up for an hour or a day.  

Somehow as I gave way to teary gratitude — recognising I wasn’t alone, that God was with me, that I knew God was for me and not against me — I felt a perfect and paradoxical 50/50 mix of being afflicted and being healed.  

And there have been so many single days in each month since when the black dog would return, inconsolable would I be on those days!  But, always have I been resurrected mostly the following day.  

This is why I sensed that God was with me, for me and not against me.  It was because there was the deepest meaning in my deepest suffering.  

I do feel inept and embarrassed to talk about such things when others simply for the life of them cannot attest to such an experience.  I wish everyone could feel that sense of God being absolutely present and real in the grips of the worst pain on this earth.  

All I can say is, when you’re trapped in the pain of an excruciating season, invite gratitude into your heart if it isn’t already forcing its way in.  

Allow that gratitude to soften your heart in thanks that seems bizarre.  

When you do this, you may find you’re not simply broken by your suffering, but you begin to be broken open by it in a way to be healed. 

~~~~ 

Acknowledgement: in part, the penny dropped when I watched this recent video from John Ortberg.

The Gratitude-Entitlement Continuum

Entitlement is a funny word.  In a concrete sense, it depicts what we deserve — what we’re entitled to.  But when we take the word from noun to verb — from “you’re entitled [to this]” to “I feel entitled [in an absolute sense]” — we run in a cross-grain direction against life and we become a nemesis, an avenger, to all.  

Against all this is gratitude — that sense of being that feels absolutely NOT entitled.  It operates at the other end of an imaginary continuum, where feeling unworthy and undeserving can be attributable to a joy that comes only from God — where we acknowledge that everything we receive is a gift.  

Paul puts it plainly like this in 1 Corinthians 4:7:

“What do you have that you did not receive?  And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?”  

Everything we have we received.  And only for a short time!  So why do we foolishly think what we have is ours?  And why do we covet more?  Well, of course, it’s natural to strive for “more for me.”  It’s evidence that there is something wrong inside us for which we need God.

Everything we receive comes from outside us.  It came from another person or situation, or in our life’s case or in the world’s case, these came from God.  

The only right response is to be thankful.  

If we can receive everything with thanks, we live gratefully.  

Turned upon itself, living thankfully is the result of a humble joy that attributes everything that one has as a gift; gifts received and gifts given from us as the overflow out of the abundance of joy that we enjoy.   

This is where entitlement is a very unwise way of living.  

When we feel entitled, we feel as if we’re deserving.  It comes across as selfish and is selfish.  It steals joy from others and ourselves.  It robs us and others of peace.  And if we genuinely feel entitled, we won’t be motivated by the joy and peace of others.  And we won’t be a gift to others but a burden.  

Entitlement and gratitude exist on a continuum and both are at the extremes.  

Let me leave you with a life-changing wisdom from M. Scott Peck:

“Life is difficult.  This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths.  It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it.  Once we truly know that life is difficult — once we truly understand and accept it — then life is no longer difficult.  Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

“Most do not fully see this truth that life is difficult.  Instead they moan more less incessantly, noisily or subtly, about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, and their difficulties as if life were generally easy, as if life should be easy.”

— M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled, p. 13.

But, life is difficult.  And with an entitled mindset we only make life harder for ourselves and others — anger begets anger, and fear begets fear.  But with gratitude for the abundance we have, we make a difficult life just a little easier because we have not only accepted what we cannot change, we have embraced everything as a gift — even suffering, because in suffering well we find meaning.  

While anger begets anger,
and fear begets fear — in entitlement,
kindness begets kindness,
as peace begets peace — in gratitude.  

Being grateful comes from a humble certitude that abides by the reality that life is difficult, yet it is full of reasons to be thankful.  

Being grateful comes from accepting that everything we have we received — none of it is due to our doing alone.  

Being grateful will keep us from being entitled.  

The Humility of Facing Oneself

Encountering moments of truth is not always a pleasant experience.  One such recent moment I was acting out of self-righteous hurt in a relatively private (i.e., safe) setting.  Thankfully, the response of another person — or their lack of response — was enough for me to genuinely reflect and rethink my attitude and approach to a certain situation.  

What a gift it was.  But in turning or returning to God, in suffering the ‘shame’ of crucifying my flesh, there was the ugliness of not getting my own way.  It never feels good at the time, but it is the right thing to do.  

Here is a paradox — only as we face our self-righteous attitude and admit we’re wrong are we shown a better way, God’s wise way.  Humility is the requirement of seeing truth.  But when we choose to remain in the “I’m right, they’re wrong” attitude we remain self-justified and deluded — we have failed humility’s test.  And worse, not only do we suffer, our relationships (others) suffer.  

It takes humility to see where we are going wrong.  

It’s a human trait to go wrong.  To go wrong daily and even several times daily.  It’s a human trait to be ruled by biases, to be deceived into thinking others need correcting and we, ourselves, are of noble intent.  

A positive paradox occurs in the phenomenon of being humble enough to see where we’re wrong and where we can right our thinking and responding.  

By and large, this is the Christian walk — getting the log out of our own eye and ensuring wrongs are reconciled and we’re making amends where we need to.  

The humility of facing self reveals godly Christian character.  It shows the capacity for insight, and just enough insight to take responsibility for what we are responsible for without taking responsibility for what others are responsible for — with an accepting empathy that each person has their responsibility and that none of us can be protected from the consequences of our own actions.  

When two people have the capacity of humility to own their self-righteous wrong-going, there is such capacity for reconciling hurts and misunderstandings, even betrayals and more serious wrongs — if both have the humble ability to face and be honest with themselves.  

That is our straightest motive — to win oneself over to the truth.  Facing oneself is the simple work of humility.  

Living for the glory of God alone has its beginning and is fulfilled in honouring the truth, doing justice, loving mercy, and walking humbly with our God (Micah 6:8).