Mental health check-in and tune-up for an unparalleled time

Predicting the progression of the pandemic, the sweep of variants, region to region, is about as fraught as speculating on a horse race or the stock market immediately prior to the favourite being scratched or a market plunge.

Whatever country we live in, however the journey of 2020 into 2021 has been like, we’ve all been seriously challenged, internationally, nationally, locally, relationally, socially, emotionally, financially, personally.  Even as I type these words, I imagine people rolling on the floor laughing it’s that much of a cataclysmic understatement.  What a toll it’s taken!

This past year has tested our mettle and beyond in so many ways, from lockdowns to job losses to extreme shortages of vital supplies to changes in everything from the way we celebrate weddings to the way we grieve at funerals.  Holiday making has been transformed in unprecedented ways, essential workers have been pushed beyond the limit for month after month, and so very many people have died earlier than they should have.  Then we pause a gasp for our nurses and doctors and hospitals.

No matter how many sentences I write on this, I still don’t feel I’ve scratched the surface.

What has possibly changed most of all is our bearing for where life’s at.  In every realm of life, we’ve been challenged.  We feel insecure about the longevity of everything; our work, our leisure, our homes, the futures of vulnerable loved ones, and especially our personal mental health, and that of those we care about.

There are those who have been blindsided by loss so great that dealing with the grief is overwhelming, and there’s no simple answer for recovery in those situations.  These number the millions worldwide.

Anxiety-related conditions we know anecdotally are more prevalent than ever.  Stress is at an all-time high, more to the point we’re facing situations where we’re chronically stressed — the stress just doesn’t seem to dissipate.

Depression too becomes the lowest common denominator, usually because we’ve ‘stayed strong’ for too long.  Learned helplessness is becoming the enduring reality for too many.

Will we ever get back to a sense of normalcy?  Or, do we need to get used to this sort of constant state of flux for the foreseeable future?  These and so many more (including those we don’t even know to ask) are the 64-billion-dollar questions.

What can we do to retain or reclaim some sense of empowerment?

Well, we need to stick with or get back to those things that have always worked; the things that will always work.

For many it’s the case that new rhythms and routines need to be established.

STRATEGIES FOR PHYSICAL, SPIRITUAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL HEALTH

There is what we might call a golden triad for health — sleep, diet, exercise — for one thing; some of the most sensible basics we can invest in for overall wellbeing.

Attending to our physical health needs, I think, caters for up to half of our wellbeing needs overall. That, and being supervised by a medical practitioner so a holistic approach can be taken, including pharmaceuticals.

Just getting enough good quality sleep is a masterstroke to ward off depression in most people.  A lot of anger and frustration and stress can be alleviated through at least three sessions of vigorous exercise each week.  And eating good food in moderate portions is an incredibly powerful strategy all its own.

Coming back to the spiritual triad — faith, hope, love — is the essence of keeping our soul nourished.

We’re comforted that there is no shortage of opportunities to show faith in these uncertain times. Faith is measured by how well we trust.  That will be a problem for those of us who have had, or who have, significant relational issues with others.  

Faith stretches our trust in the direction of God.  Having things to look forward to buoys our hope.  Hope amends much anxiety, and I always find that when I have hope, peace and joy tend to be present as well.  Love is the greatest test of all.  Being able to love and to receive love is often, again, a test of trust.

Mentally, there are several psychological schemas to consider; for instance, focusing on the internal locus of control rather than having an external locus of control.

Having an internal locus of control, I can decide how I react and respond to what happens to me.  I retain my own empowerment.  But I am disempowered if I feel everything happens to me and I have no control, and therefore I must blame others — because I believe I have little or no control.  That is an external locus of control — everything that happens, happens outside of me.  Study and adopt the internal locus of control; it’s powerful!

It’s similar to becoming focused on the things beyond my control — my circle of concern — instead of being concerned about what I can impact — my circle of influence.  Nobody can live a productive life when they can’t exert control over their world to at least some extent.  Study and adopt thinking that focuses on your circle of influence — what you CAN affect.

I have only mentioned two thinking schemas here.  Another one worthy of looking into further is biases — what biases ought I be aware of that are impacting in some way my mental health.

Finally, a very important input to good or poor mental health is the issue of our relationships and conflict in them.  Not many people have no problematic relationships, and toxic relationships are a significant stressor.

ACCEPTING WHAT CANNOT BE CHANGED + GRATITUDE

Probably the most important thing we can do is accept what we cannot change.  This gives us huge perspective.  This is about viewing life through the lens of objective truth.

So many things that are within our circle of concern just don’t bear any significant additional thought, because we cannot change them.

What comes with acceptance is the peace of serenity.

Part of this exercise is about looking at, facing indeed, those things we can only be grateful for.  Today it was, “Wow, my body works, and I don’t have any diagnosed conditions that I know of.”  It was also, “I’m thankful that we’re relatively financially secure at this moment in time.”

Gratitude will help a lot, and so will being disciplined about how much (or little) thought is wasted being frustrated about things that cannot be influenced or changed by ourselves.

Most of all, become conscious about how much you let guilt and shame inhabit you.  Guilt only has a momentary purpose in helping us repent, then it’s useless and harmful.  Shame is always harmful but facing it and recognising it no longer serves you is crucial in moving forward.  Then, there’s fear.  Even more than ever, it’s necessary to identify fear and choose faith to counter it.

Be gentle with yourself, but also hold yourself to account.

Photo by kevin laminto on Unsplash

Loss is the turning point of our lives – it’s either ashes or anarchy

Alternative titles of this article would be, “The blessing in what burns us and turns us to ash,” and “Turning what broke you into the best thing that ever happened”.

Here’s a Robert Bly quote to whet the appetite:

“Ashes present a great diminishment away from the living tree with its huge crown and its abundant shade.  The recognition of this diminishment is a proper experience for men who are over thirty.  If the man doesn’t experience that diminishment sharply, he will retain his inflation, and continue to identify himself with all in him that can fly: his sexual drive, his mind, his refusal to commit himself, his addiction, his transcendence, his coolness.  The coolness of some American men means that they have skipped ashes.” 

― Robert Bly, Iron John: A Book about Men

None of us handle loss well, and it doesn’t matter whether we believe in God or not, or stoicism, or anything else.  In grief, we all go down.  We either go down, and allow ourselves to be subjected to its ashes, or we refuse to even go down there, and shame is added to shame, and ultimately, it’s to anarchy that we arrive.

Ashes are the colossal opportunity of shame discovery and recovery.

Or, ashes herald such a despicable reminder of the work we’ve always refused to do, because, let’s face it, shame work completely undoes all our fallacious layers of a self-hood of what Bly calls the golden-haired boy or girl, woman or man.  The narcissist who cannot face a thing.

Robert Bly’s, Iron John, is a book that has impacted me the most.  It was such a sharp reminder of what I needed way back in 2012 as I finished my counselling studies.  I’d done my ashes work, but I couldn’t connect with others about it.  I couldn’t access my ashes with others.

From the moment I imbibed the book over the process of a month, I knew what God wanted me to do — enter into the brokenness of men.  As much as any would allow.

I noticed since that time that some men will go deep, and some won’t.  But it’s not simply about going ‘deep’, as much as it’s about going deep in the very covert places of shame that dwell within us all.

We really have nothing to fear other than fear itself — and I know that that can threaten; it can make us feel disarmed and disabled.

Humanity stands at the precipice of the healing for humility when he or she enters into the pain of facing their shame.  If only they knew it’s an ever-present opportunity for every human.  Only those who dare, win.

When Bly talks about “diminishment” he really talks about what Jesus suffered willingly.  Notice that those who cannot and will not go there — into the diminishment represented by Philippians 2:5-11 — cannot ever go there.  But truth be told, life REQUIRES us to go there at times, and the simplest reason is we need to hold and contain ourselves and others.

Only those who have sat in their ashes for a while can put others first on a consistent basis.

Humility is not thinking of ourselves less, it’s valuing others above ourselves as a sign that we’re safe in ourselves.  When we don’t need attention, our focus turns to a curious and loving interest in others — it’s an interest and attention that always has the other person’s benefit at the forefront, with no loss to the self.

The person who hasn’t sat in their ashes — they refused — has been scared witless about the impending diminishment.  The irony is those that recover admit they were there, low enough to acknowledge that they had felt completely abandoned.

But not even the most cataclysmic abandonment is a problem for those who have ashes.  Indeed, the opposite applies.  For those who wept loudest, ashes were a dream come true.

Those who cannot admit it, could not go there.  They could not enter the journey of their lifetime, a lifesaving, salvation journey — a quest many Christians have always shirked.  It was easier to keep faking it.  But a cosmic opportunity was missed!

The narcissist pretends to have abilities that would only be his if he sat in ashes for a time.  The tragedy is it’s not just him that misses out on him being true and raw with himself — everyone else misses out too, and everyone else must tiptoe around the place so as to not upset him.

One thing we must be on the lookout for these days: those people who feign their ashes and pretend they’re capably vulnerable — mainly because ashes have become cool, trendy, hip.

The red flag is this: ashes are never cool, but they are necessary, and someone can get terribly close to ashes and still end up a narcissist.

It’s the impact on other people’s lives that’s the true test.

If it’s ashes, relationships are beautiful, safe, a complete blessing.  If it’s anarchy we know the ashes were cast aside.

Photo by Anders Jildén on Unsplash

You don’t ‘lack faith’ when your prayers aren’t answered

What happens when the Bible tells you that you’ll get peace that surpasses your understanding when you pray, but when you pray you don’t get that peace — or it doesn’t last?

We can think it’s our lack of faith.  People have certainly said and thought that.  Worse, we’ve been led to believe it.

But what about the person who is racked with anxiety for grief or they have an anxiety disorder or there is anxiety for some other unknown reason?  Do they ‘lack faith’ if God doesn’t answer their prayer for that peace?

NO!  No, no, no.  Arguably, as they endure, it’s the opposite.

Prayer doesn’t work by our clicking our fingers to get the job done.

God’s providence doesn’t work like that.  We don’t wish it, then fish it.

Prosperity doctrine is one of the real weaknesses of a ‘name-it, claim-it’ theology these entitled days.  It’s peddled by those who promise that all dreams come true; that, if you only PRAY enough and WISH enough and DO enough, you, through your will, can turn the will of God in your favour.  It’s a nice idea.  It makes us feel all-powerful to believe it.

But what about when it doesn’t work?  When the prayer, the miracle you hope for, isn’t answered the way you hope?

Before you answer, consider how many prayers aren’t answered.

Consider before you answer that there’s at least one prayer of the apostle Paul’s that wasn’t answered.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 details Paul’s prayer: “Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take [the thorn in my flesh] away from me.  But God said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

God said no.  Yes, that’s right.  In God saying no, God was saying, “I’ve got something better for you, Paul... you don’t know what you’re praying for... I’ll give you something that will help you become more like my Son... the ability to ‘delight in weaknesses...’.”

It’s not exactly a palatable answer, is it?  It won’t get people in mega-churches cheering in their seats, yelling out, “Amen!!  Preach!!”  It’s not going to sell books in this buy-now-pay-later culture.

The theory of being able to twist God’s arm is rooted in the privilege of a gospel that works for us, where everything’s about ‘God moving’ for our success, image, ‘favour’, and what we feel — in our humanity — is right.  Sorry, but God doesn’t work like that.

God’s got something better.  Rather than offer us something that wouldn’t grow us one iota, God’s got something infinitely better.

God wants to say something powerful to everyone, especially to those who do not conquer every time they click their fingers — which is every single one of us when we’re honest.

By doing this, God’s levelling the playing field.  Those who pedal the success gospel, those who love to show how successful they are, are eventually brought low.

Go get a Bible.  Open up to the book of Daniel.  Chapter three.  Verses 16-18 herald the kind of faith God is calling us to — a faith that simply relies on our obedience that leaves the results in God’s hands.  A faith that refuses to attempt to manipulate God for our convenience — as if that doesn’t sound absurd.

Facing that fiery furnace, the three Hebrew men, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego all fully expected that God could/might deliver them.  But in the same sentence, they accepted that “even if he doesn’t save us, we won’t change our minds.”

Believing God answers every prayer the way we desire is not only a bad theology, but it also represents an immature faith where the hope will end up disappointed.  The opposite is praying and accepting whatever God’s response is, even to the extent that we might believe that God’s got growth in mind for us.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Learning to say goodbye when it feels impossible

17 years to the day that I promised my mother I’d never drink again, she had a stroke.  October 9, 2003 has been a very memorable day since.  I never missed alcohol when there were far more important things at stake — like doing everything in my power to restore my broken (first) marriage — alas, it could not be saved.

But there we were at Mercy Hospital, the day after I’d had a complete mental breakdown, and the day of my father’s knee surgery that would see him pushed to his emotional limits many times over the following five months and more.

And now we find ourselves in the same kind of situation — in a hospital.  Mum’s health has never been first class, and yet she’s been the most gracious kind of person in all her frailty, always thinking of others, and having (we’d like to think) one of the best families going around.  Certainly, everyone loving their mother, Gran, and Great Gran without reservation.

As we come to grasp that Mum’s life is ebbing away — and it could be months, who knows — I can’t help but grasp at every thread of memory I can gain a hold of.

I’m fearful of regret for not doing or saying something now, yet I know that peace will find a way to deal with regret in the acceptance I can’t control everything.

I stay up, typing on these keys at 11:11PM, when I should be in bed.  Somehow, through bleary eyes I cannot sleep for all the thoughts of reminiscing I’m having as I lie there motionless, occasionally tossing one way then the other.

I think of the legacy this woman’s leaving.  A husband who is an absolute soulmate of 55 years — a pair basically inseparable, one so gracious, Mum, and one so gentle, Dad.

It’s going to be so hard on Dad, yet he will have the support of everyone, because of the legacy he and Mum have sown — everyone’s felt their love; only their love.  Which is kindness, and time, and encouragement, and wise words, and not interfering, just serenely letting their family get on with the task of life.

Mum has had such a deep impact on each family member, because she always had that invitation to enter each one’s lives.  She has constantly shown grace and approval to all and you just watch on and see every family member rise to the lack of judgement that could otherwise be there — but isn’t.

I think of the many hour-and-more-long chats Mum’s had with one of my daughters over the past 15 years.  Times when support was needed, and it was received.  I know Gran has been there in this way for all her grandies, as she has for all her sons and daughters-in-law, sisters, brothers, sisters-in-law, brothers-in-law, sincere friends... everyone.

It was joked about over 30 years ago now when I was married first time, that Mum was like “Mrs. Telecom” — always so happy to be on the phone.  Connection with family has always been Mum’s sole purpose.  A matriarch we have all cherished and who treasured all of us.

I guess all this sounds pretty morbid, as if she’s gone already.  I can’t bear not to make the most of her while she’s still alive.  I cannot stop thinking about her, so writing these words is some kind of therapeutic release.

Mum, as you ask me to recite to you Psalm 23, and oh how you love to hear it read out, may those words of that Psalm of David ring out for your comfort, as you prepare to meet Debbie and Nathanael and other lost ones named and unnamed, and as you go to wait for those you love who will soon be called heavenward.

Praying for a change of mind amid spiritual attack

Discouragement and distress can often be rooted in spiritual attack, which by the very nature of it comes concealed.  A spirit of negativity, of dejection, of despairing, of a heart grown sick; these are all indicators of a mind askew — a mind that has forgotten the power in the grace of God.

There are all kinds of legitimate reasons why we end up in a head space where we’re forlorn in spiritual attack — captive to despondency.

Perhaps you’ve been serving and sowing hard and long, and you see little fruit.  You’ve become exhausted.  You may have become overwhelmed with the litany of conflicts that spell h-a-r-d-s-h-i-p.  There’s the possibility you’ve been misunderstood, betrayed, even scapegoated.  Perhaps it’s one disappointment after another.  Or, it’s the passage of months, years and decades and there’s no let up.  Finally, fear that grips like dread.  And there are more...

Often, it’s the case that injustice lingers, and the patterns aren’t changing.  Possibly worst of all it’s your sowing in kindness, patience, gentleness and compassion is met with judgment, anger, harshness and insensitivity.

Yet, all this and whatever more has seen you cornered and defenseless in spiritual attack.

Much of spiritual attack feels like we’re cut off from the Source of life.  Some of it can be from plain forgetfulness.  A lot of it comes from the temporary belief that we’re cursed in a particular portion of our lives.  And some of it comes from the triggering of trauma — those patterns of thinking that have attached themselves to us.

Praying about crisis leads us to ‘pick up the phone’, so to speak, with God.  We need to interact and be encouraged.  Having others pray for us is a potential pivotal turning point in getting our thinking rightly oriented.

To hear someone or others pray words of truth that are encouraging is like wind under the wings of our hope.  Within minutes at times, we can find we’re freed of the mental fog and feeling joy, hope and peace again.

When it comes to getting free of spiritual attack, there’s no substitute for another person or other people who speak words of encouragement to us through prayer.

Spiritual attack is met at its source through a change in mind.  A change in thinking is what’s needed.  And a prayer of encouragement is often the spiritual key to such change.

Photo by Samuel Berner on Unsplash

It took God three years to make a Saul into a Paul

Whenever we fail for hope in our recovery or faith journeys — seriously wondering if God is even doing ANY work to change and transform us — we can go direct to the life of Paul to receive fresh hope.

I was struck by this recent quote:

“It took Saul three years in a desert to become Paul, 
to be re-Storied from fundamentalism to the Jesus-way.”
— Chuck DeGroat

There are two commanding yet opposing truths that face each other in this.  Three years must have seemed like a very long time AND he must have been relieved he had time to transform from Saul to Paul.

From Saul’s viewpoint at the start, it could have felt like Psalm 13:1 — “How long, O Lord?”  Yet from Paul’s viewpoint at the end, it could have been, “Now I can see why it took so long.”

For Saul, there must have been quite some angst to get the process of mission started.  Well, at least we might imagine Paul’s fervour waiting before he was ready.  Can you imagine Paul waiting in Saul for three years to prepare for his apostolic ministry?

The process of long preparations is not foreign to us all.  So many of us have trained over years to do what we do.  Some professions involve a journey of ten years plus in development.

To become a pastor, I’ve dedicated 6.5 years of my life to formal education to fit four-years full-time equivalent into, while working full-time throughout.  So many times, we wonder if it’s all going to be worth it.  Yet ultimately, we do arrive at those concrete goals.

Many of us have endured years in the wilderness to finally arrive somewhere we hoped to arrive at.

Times when we had a vision we hoped for, in true Jeremiah 29:11 fashion, and kept going, despite disappointment after obstacle after loss after struggle after setback after despair.

These are times where we’re swept away on a torrent of grief for life adjustment that took us by storm.  And still, you keep going.

And there are those also who are still on the way there!  I can tell you that I, too, right now, am an in-betweener.

People might look at my life and say, “Look at you, you’re set.”  No, there is an ache in my heart for what God is calling me to that hasn’t yet materialised.  It’s frustrating at times.  At times I’m bitter and resentful.  Other times I accept the journey for what it is.  Most of the time I view it as an adventure.  But most of all, I’m not there yet.

Our worst fear is we’ll never arrive, but actually what’s worse is the regret we consider for giving up now that almost certainly consigns us to not arriving.  So you keep going!

The truth of life is God’s taking us all from a situation of Saul and re-creating us to be a Paul.  The way this occurs is we’re taken through levels of development, much so we never truly ‘arrive’, so we’re not happy for long, so we continue looking to the horizon for the next growth conquest.

God’s not finished with any of us yet.  We’re all works in progress.  And progress, NOT perfection, is the point.  This is good for us, because it’s best for us to accept our humanity and the nature of life.

Life is not something we can conquer.  We never master it, and anyone who pretends they have is lying.

Life is the process of learning and growing and keeping on coming back to humility.  And if we resist it, we’re humbled.  Life humbles us.  The notional period of three years itself is a humbling reality.  None of us can achieve instant success.

It’s a bit like hearing about those ‘twenty-year overnight success stories.’  They only appear to be overnight successes because we don’t know what they endured to get where they’ve got.

If it took God three years to make a Saul into a Paul, it will take us a significant amount of time, also, to get where we’re going.

We might as well enjoy the journey and be grateful for each step on the way.

It takes more time, and significantly more effort than we realise it will take to achieve anything worthwhile.  Life rewards those with the stamina to endure the process of going from a Saul to a Paul. So let us not grow weary in doing what is required, for we will reap a harvest of goodness if we don’t give up. (Galatians 6:9)

The tale of three bears

Life runs well until it doesn’t and yet it’s only when life isn’t going so well that we eventually come back to seeing the importance in the important things.

So much of life that we place a lot of importance in really isn’t that important.

Issues, divisions, jobs, disagreements, careers, possessions, goals, ambitions, plans.  To name just a few that pale into insignificance when we think about it.

Welcome to an image of three important bears.  The large yellow one, Michael, is 53 years old, the smaller one on Michael’s lap, Gentle, is about 11 years old, and the blue one, Jack, is just 7 years old.

These three bears have taught me about the important things in life.

Michael is my oldest possession, and he was around well before any of my first memories.  He was here before I realised I was.  Michael reminds me of the reason I’m here — my parents.  I still have them.  For how much longer I don’t know.  I often think of the day when they won’t be around — hopefully this is impetus to make sure I make the most of my time with them; not only quantity time but quality time and making their lives as much a joy as I can.

Gentle was given to me to help me.  To most people I’m a gentle kind of person, but as is the nature of our humanity, oftentimes our strengths herald salient fissures of fault.  As a husband and as a father, I haven’t always been as gentle as I should’ve been.  Gentle was given to me by my wife early on in our marriage to gently remind me of the importance of being gentle.

Finally, Jack is our son’s teddy bear.  My daughters had their teddy bears and doll’s houses and the like, but because they’re all adults and forging their own way now, it’s too easy to forget about their furry inanimate friends.  Jack is a very, very precious bear!  I can’t tell you the number of stories in the last seven years where Jack has been at the forefront.  Jack is basically another person in our family.  He is our son’s dearest possession.

The tale of three bears reveals an important truth — there are important things in all our lives that barely (pardon the pun) rate a mention.  Life passes us by when we get bogged down in the minutia of the less important things — those transitory things.

Life is in remembering how important it is to treat loved ones and all people well.  We don’t know how long we’ll get to keep our loved ones for.

It’s only when we arrive at an event like a funeral that we get a perspective of life that seems distant until it comes close.  And my experience is funerals sneak up like a thief in the night.

It is better to love well now than feel the sting of lingering regret later.

Days of the dark night of the soul

I recall first poring through St John of the Cross’ work, Dark Night of the Soul.  It was 2004, and it was as if the author saw right through me and had written it all for me to consume.  I read it and re-read it and read anything I could on it.  Since then, I’ve been captivated by this phenomenon about the spiritual purpose of human suffering that draws us ever deeper into God, not pushing us away.

Back then I so needed literature, film, mentors who understood the suffering of grief I was enduring.  Somehow my suffering could be withstood when I had models of how others did it.  These models were a salvation to me.  Some of those days seemed ten times worse than I’d previously imagined suffering possibly could be.  Absolutely shocking.

Crises of spirit where the soul is cast alone, estranged from even itself, we languish.

There are seasons of the dark night of the soul that seem never to end, but there are also whole days that seem as though they were hand-picked for us by the devil himself.

Nothing goes right, our confidence is down, we doubt everything, we get self-conscious, we’re full of fear, dread claws away at our hope.  We feel irritable at the slightest thing.  Depression lurks at the doorway of our heart.  Whole days of spiritual attack.

My worst days have taken me to many forms of the brink.  From intense and uncontrollable sobbing, to a dread that lingers amongst other varietals of anxiety, to a state of being where meaning and purpose plummet into the abyss, to a loneliness that cannot be shaken.  And I still don’t feel I’ve described it that well.

These days truly are mental health days, where it’s wise to withdraw from life if we can.

Days like this, even as they start in a fashion where waking was the worst news ever, or as they creep up suddenly at 9.45 in the morning, feel crushing, as if a 10-ton truck was lodged there on our chest squeezing all the air out of our lungs and all the hope out of our hearts.

Then there are the evenings when, due a certain news or revelation, we ponder the rise of a panic for the aspirations of the morning.  Tears flow, or we just can’t get to sleep.  Anxiety is palpable but bizarrely we cannot analyse the thinking for why it seems so bad — or perhaps there are just too many things to reconcile and we don’t really know what to panic about most.

Days of the dark night of the soul can only be endured.  Victory is in the endurance.  To get through, and certainly when the dark night is lifted, we can be thankful as much as be relieved.

Days of the dark night of the soul are probably a pattern.  I know they are for me.

Over the years, as we explore the pattern, we feel less vulnerable overall, because we come to accept that ‘This, too, shall pass’, just as we also see that being kept in touch with suffering has enhanced our humility, empathy, wisdom, courage and faith.

It has also deepened our contact with hope, and our peace seemed more accessible and gave us incredible comfort.

As you face your days of spiritual attack, plunged into darkest night so suddenly, go placidly, remain in touch with the simplicities of life, try not to think too much, and fix your eyes on something (anything) to be grateful for.

This, too, shall pass.  The day passes one moment at a time.  Peace is on the horizon.

There’s no shame in being dogged by these triggering moments of life.  There’s no room for guilt, either, although we too easily feel guilty for feeling guilty.  There’s only room for acceptance as we allow the dark night moment to be and then let it go.

Just know that there are people thinking about you and praying for you as you read these words.  You’re loved and much is there intercession for your healing.

One thing is for sure, we cannot heal it unless we feel it.  It’s better by far to face our days of the dark night of the soul than to deny them, which many people unfortunately do, and we’re all tempted to do.

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When answers to prayer give more than is bargained for

It came to me in a counselling session recently that when God answers certain prayers, we’re not always ready for what an affirmative answer to those prayers will cost us.

It’s like, pray for patience and God will send opportunities — frustrations where we’ll be required to show patience.  We may say, “God, what are you doing?”  And, we could well imagine God smiling and saying back, “You want to be more patient, don’t you; well, here’s your chance to show it!”

In the particular situation, a person I’m counselling prayed very sincerely that he would get the help he needed to overcome something.  A very worthwhile and necessary prayer.

I’m sure many of us have prayed that kind of prayer.  I know I have many times.

He received an answer in the affirmative, but he got more than he expected.

When such prayers are answered, it’s a miracle.  I say this, because we receive something we didn’t previously have.  We could not have obtained it any other way.  And it changes things for us.  Much of the time it buoys our faith.  We see it in hindsight as we look back.  

But what about when the affirmative answer to that prayer — when God sees the heart behind the prayer and says, “Yes, granted” — involves pain, a fresh realisation of the depth of the journey, more truth to unpack, more burden for the mind and heart to manage?

Sometimes we’re given a particular analytical mindfulness as a means of stewarding the new gift we’re given.  It makes our lives actually more painful, because we’re shown more truth.

Our perception is enhanced, as if to SEE more, to see more truth, its potential impacts; perhaps we’re given a partial gift of prophecy — to be seers in a certain way.

Well, we know that prophets generally have harder lives than most of the rest of us.  They must bear a lot of truth that other people don’t, can’t or won’t see.  There’s frustration at best, and sorrow and grief at worst.  Prophets often live lonely existences.

But God has answered the prayer.  God has given the person what they desperately needed and wished for by prayer.  God looked at the heart, the person’s capacity to bear this gift, and their need, and said, “Yes, this person must get this thing they’re praying in faith for.”

They get it, then they’re shocked, because despite the wonder of the miracle of a prayer granted, there is a significant season of adjustment, including grieving, because there is no choice for this person now but to accept a change that has HAPPENED to them.

What God gives to a believer in faith, God will not remove from them.

It’s a classic irony, and it gives great credence to the phrase, “Be careful what you ask God for in prayer.”

Should we not have prayed for this thing?  No, we NEEDED this new thing or way of being; it was and is vital for us.  God knows this, and, having seen the sincerity in the heart of the person praying, the gift is given.

One extra thing we’re given in the process of receiving the gift of an answered prayer is a deeper knowledge of how God works as well as the depths of life we previously hadn’t contemplated or comprehended.

It certainly shouldn’t stop us from praying for what we need.  But it does mean even in answered prayer, we’ll often need to be brave as we work with what we’re given.

The reality of answered prayer is there are often unanticipated costs, but this isn’t a discouragement.  Answered prayer is always good, it just often takes us on a journey we didn’t expect.

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The unequivocal power of kindness for such a time as this

Some days are more visible reminders of the need for kindness than others, and we’ve had some of those days in the past few.

In a world where everyone’s truth matters, where people with opposing views can both be right at the same time, there is bound to be plenty of conflict.

And that conflict so often boils over into the social media world — such an irony that social media is characterised as being anti-social.  People are tempted to use language in their messaging they wouldn’t entertain if they were face-to-face with people, and this, so routinely, with strangers.

We’ve all been in situations where a post or a meme got us into reaction mode.  We felt led to make a comment, and before we knew it, someone we don’t even know is engaging with it.  And tensions rise.

If my view on politics, ethics, law, etc is strong, I might well imagine I’m going to come into contact with others who have equally strong views.

There are other challenges.  The TROLL — those who load up a fight and leave, or those who present to an argument and fuel it with all kinds of unthinkable cruel disdain, often cloaked in sick humour.  These people are often what Psalms and Proverbs call mockers, and they bring out the worst in people.  Of course, when we go there, we’ve entered THEIR world.

What do we do in this world where there are so many views we don’t agree with?

What’s the opportunity within this perilous conflict?  Seriously.

As we adopt the mind of Christ — which is nothing more complex than a humility that sees the preciousness of humanity in everyone — we begin to see people and their situations differently.  God’s Spirit does an inside job in us, and it’s so necessary that we embark on this inner work.  We at last begin to separate from a person their deeds.

There are several things of goodness that occur when we fall into line with Jesus thinking.

1.             We realise we’re no better than anyone else, just as we’re no worse than anyone else.

2.             Perspective comes in, and we stand with a bit more distance from what upset us.  We no longer feel either guilty or stubborn.

3.             Revelation occurs and we discover a REAL truth — we have far less power and much less the right to convert people, to make our point, to be the one who makes sense, to be on the right side.

4.             A fresh realisation occurs, that people with strong opinions, like us when we’re convinced of something, won’t be changed.

5.             Concluding this, we realise there’s only one hope for both them AND us.

6.             That hope we arrive at is something so very powerful for peace and for change — for us first and foremost, that we’re humbled for a great purpose that is good for us, and it’s good for them, too, that we might truly serve them, an ‘enemy’.

7.             Kindness is something everyone is due, because of the divine nature in humanity.  This we come to conclude is where God was leading us — THE opportunity in this conflict we could not resolve.

Whether people behave in a way deserving of our kindness or not is irrelevant.  We cannot see the gospel power for God for peace until we begin to see how worthy all humanity is.

We’re only capable of assaulting people when we dehumanise them.  Abusing people dehumanises them.  Kindness rehumanises.  It rehumanises them in our eyes and it’s the only possible way we may be rehumanised in their eyes.

There is only one way to defeat evil.

“... overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21)

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