Some of the impacts of trauma on survivors of abuse

I find it daunting to begin an article like this.  Abuse plays out in so many different ways overall, and I just need to add at this point that, unless people have been on the receiving end of abuse, people just don’t tend to get it; they just don’t understand, and this is particularly visible anytime anyone thinks or suggests about a survivor:

“They’re playing the victim card again,” or 
“I know, you’re not trying hard enough to get over it,” or 
“Just forgive and forget already!”

If only it were that simple.  The person who cannot relate will have no idea how much a survivor of abuse will wish it were that simple.

I might move onto the list now without further ado:

§     The memory of the event or events (or sketchy memories if trauma was large), the circumstances and the people are embedded in the psyche as a trauma bond.  Triggering of that trauma bond is always involuntary, meaning it’s impossible to stop the initiation of it, but we can learn ultimately (over time) to manage better.

§     We’re talking post-traumatic stress, and full-blown PTSD in so many cases.  The effects are very autonomic.  I will continue to use the term ‘involuntary’ to describe what happens first in the body as a function for how trauma is stored in the body.

§     Not only does trauma bond within the psyche, but the persons who perpetrated the abuse are also bonded there as bad actors.  This bad actor image is reinforced when the perpetrator/s refuse to own what they’ve done — when they refuse to confess and repent.  Anyone should be able to see how the perpetrator becomes anchored there as a bad actor when they continue to behave in bad ways by not making restitution.

§     It is bound to cause great distress to survivors whenever those bad actors are portrayed by others as good.  I think most survivors would prefer this bond were not the case, but the fact is, every time a perpetrator is depicted as a hero or good person by others, it feels like a fresh assault.  Again, this feeling and perception of the one who perpetrated the abuse is very involuntary.

§     Certain dates, places, smells, colours, textures, similar experiences, emotive and fear states, etc — no matter how far down the track — are definite triggers of involuntary response.  The saddest thing about this is these stimuli often ‘come at’ the survivor.  There is little agency where there is little control.

§     The psyche interprets or discerns danger from afar, so a hypersensitivity to danger is developed.  This is a fear cognition and it is sticky.  It is very difficult to overcome, hence there is the need to be in safer, more predictable, non-toxic environments.  This often has a life-changing effect for the survivor.

§     Triggering can be bizarre in that sometimes the involuntary response is flight, sometimes it’s fight, sometimes it’s freeze, (there is also fawn as a trauma response) and sometimes it can be a confused mish-mash or these.  Not unlike the disorganised attachment style, a mix of fear and aggression can occur.  Much anger is based in fear.  This is all ultra-confusing to the survivor and their loved ones.

§     When the perpetrator of the abuse continues to go from success to success, the survivor of the abuse is harmed again and again by the polarisation of injustice.  Only the survivor sees the ones who are hurt, strewn in the perpetrator’s wake.  Survivors pray they may be a light for one another, because they know full well what scapegoating is about.  There is hardly a lonelier experience than being a survivor of abuse.

§     Trauma experiences can be replayed and rehashed and thought over ad infinitum and ad nauseam — to the point that the survivor develops what could be called variations of trauma sickness.  The survivor faces much gaslighting.  They’re told by the perpetrator, others and by their own experience that the experiences they had were not real or true or as bad as they think.  There is hardly a more disconcerting reality, especially when the evidence is irrefutable — it is true and it was and is bad!

§     Future prospects are not only in jeopardy but oftentimes they’re actually harmed, whether by reputational impacts, or real impacts of impaired capacity and function, including great financial impact.  Like so many of the above, it’s only really survivors who know this, because it has to be lived to be felt to be known.  Empathetic loved ones and friends certainly attest to this.

§     Then there is the matter of continual stress that breeds conflict in close familial relationships.  This is often unable to be avoided.  Ramp up the ambient level of stress and it is bound to impact close relationships.

§     There is nothing quite as destructive as living in a state of not being believed.  Even though a survivor knows their truth, they can often battle feeling like a liar, especially when others will hold that perception of them, and silence is deafening in this regard.  It is a very caustic thing for the human soul to feel people have an unchangeable negative perception toward them, and again, silence speaks volumes.  Remember that survivors of abuse never asked for it.

§     Now, I’m reminded of one of the worst kinds of triggering, and that is in the throes of an abusive moment itself, where the abuser needles the survivor so much they tip the survivor over the edge into what is best termed a ‘huge emotional/visceral reaction’.  The survivor is blamed for an abuse called ‘reactive abuse’ — abuse that comes out of a reaction to abuse.  Unfortunately, this further polarises the survivor into a corner and is actually used to restore the bully’s fortunes.  This manoeuvre is as old as the school yard is.

Photo by Bekah Russom on Unsplash

 

Acceptance that trusts the mystery of what cannot be resolved

I don’t know how many times in my own life AND in the throes of counselling when it is that I or others realise we have come to the dead end of our control.  Our influence for change at times can seem incredibly limited, especially at times when for one change we would sacrifice much to have that one thing different.  But life doesn’t work that way.

Life locks us into realities we cannot change; those which we’re forced to accept, even if acceptance doesn’t feel like acceptance at all.

But an acceptance that trusts the mystery of what cannot be resolved; this is the pinnacle of human maturity — to sit quietly within the lament of such a horrid reality, accepting that we would change it if we could, but that we can’t.

Such a lack of an answer feels distasteful in a world where we pretend we have more control than we do.  We are used to being able to influence people and situations, and where we can’t, it usually doesn’t make a huge difference, but when we’re faced with not being able to influence a situation and that fact causes us a great deal of pain, it can induce quite a crisis; for some in some situations, it’s much, much worse than that.

Without issuing advice that’s only meant generally, we can imagine that the end goal of accepting what feels unacceptable but that which can only be accepted is peace.

Peace has to be the goal where there is only thought of inner conflict.  Those issues in life that cannot be resolved do have potential for peace if we believe that inner peace is possible for accepting what is.

We must have permission to lament, to process, to experience sorrow, to feel angry, to get depressed, to occasionally fall for bargaining or venture into denial.  All these can coexist with an overall state of acceptance.  They can.

When we still our hearts and minds in the lament which is the truth of the circumstances we’re in, we do each and every time land in the psychological place of mystery — and there is peace there.  We can smile as we approach our truth, which is not the one we want.

We can smile in knowing that it’s right that we don’t get everything we want, and that it’s right that we can accept it.

These are the moments when the mystical God breaks through our awareness, where we feel touched by the presence of God.  These are the moments when we agree that God is God and that we are not.

When you think about it, this is the ultimate in worshipful trust.  To accept what God would not change.

Photo by Flavien Beauvais on Unsplash

When the cause of depression is due to the grief in loss

At times these two things, grief and depression, almost seem interchangeable.  In fact, it was in one of the most bizarre counselling sessions I ever had that the counsellor said, “You’re not suffering clinical depression but grief.”

What he was actually saying was incredibly profound.

If we’re not afflicted with a typical diagnosable depressive disorder, and most of us aren’t, much of what we tag as ‘depression’, certainly situational depression (i.e., there’s a reason for it), is actually depression layered within classic grief.

Grief is an emotional roller coaster where shock and numbness give way to lashings of self-doubt, anxiety, denial of what is happening (due to shock and sadness that is overwhelming), a bargaining not dissimilar to denial, anger as what has happened and the unfairness of life, acceptance in moments of strength, and finally depression — when the gravity of loss manifests with a thud each time.

Depression in grief feels just the same as clinical depression.  No energy or motivation, disinterest in eating, enjoyable things, life, much sorrow, emptiness, loneliness, the absence of hope, joy and peace, thoughts of self-harm, and the dread of anxiety we don’t wish on our worst enemies.

What makes depression out of grief most alarming is the roller coaster ride that leaves us completely at sea for what the next moment will be like.  Life feels an absolute mess and the chaos leaves us feeling that this is a new normal — a most terrifying thought!

But if we can only imagine getting all the way through the hellish period of adjusting to the loss. Whether it’s a job/career loss, a loved one, the loss of a relationship, a hope or a dream, there usually comes a time when the pain of moving forward becomes less than staying in the pain of loss.  We may become frustrated about being immobile.  We get sick and tired of being stuck.

There is certainly a clearer sense for hope if our depression was caused by a definitive loss or set of losses.  We can resolve that we’ll do the work of recovery.  And anyone who resolves to do that work will get through and they will recover.  It’s only a matter of time, and with every day we get closer to our goal.  It demands we’re humble with others and gentle with ourselves.  It means having safe support, wise people we can trust.  It all makes sense when we realise that that depressive grief teaches empathy, patience, kindness and grace.

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Looking back from a loved one’s funeral to make the most of now

You stand there looking at a painting trying to embrace what it’s truly saying, yet you struggle to find the words.  Somehow, it’s elusive; something intangible, alluring, tantalising.  You can’t stop gazing into the hues, the lines, the mystique.  You step backward and away.  You draw closer, trying to establish perspective.

The image you’re looking at is your life.  You see two equal but opposite images, which seem to give a 3D perspective that is hard for the eye to grasp; those opposites are the depths of the hopes of intimacy with your loved ones together with the impossibility of redeeming that intimacy in the most complete sense.

What’s so intransigent is the distance between the love we aspire to give and receive and the love we’re able to give and receive.

It’s only when we stand at a funeral of a loved one that the full height, breadth and depth of love in life is known and it overwhelms us.

It sweeps over us like a tsunami, wave upon incessant wave pounds against us.

We see at one and the same time, what we wanted, what we craved WITH what we were not able to give or did not receive.

It’s acknowledging this, in the moments before that funeral, that we have a vision for what is not yet too late to do: to love with a love that does not fail in its quest to redeem that future moment.

Can I be frank?  We literally exist for our wives and husbands, for our daughters and sons, for our mothers and fathers — to get love right there, first and foremost (and I do realise, sadly, this may be beyond your control in your personal circumstances) — and that there is nothing else that counts from that funeral-moment perspective.

If only we looked back from the funeral perspective a little more.  We might be the sons and daughters God is calling us to be.  We might live with open hands and a softer heart; be the best brothers and sisters we can be.  We might keep shorter account in all our close relationships, as far as that’s possible, because in many circumstances it’s not just up to us.

It’s when I’m apart from my son that my heart aches to be with him, but it’s when I’m with him that I’m sometimes impatient with him.  Life is like that a lot, isn’t it?  We don’t want it to be like this, but this is life.

No matter how we feel about a person, our interacting with them is always clouded by many factors, and there are usually many distractions to the deeper affection we have for them.

Making the most of now can seem impossible unless we look back from an event where people will be celebrating our life, but we won’t be there with them.  Only now do we have the ability to do what we can do now — love with every breathe, heartbeat, sinew and vein.

Photo by Dan Meyers on Unsplash

Have you heard of the powerful principle of John 19:11?

Just about at Jesus’ weakest moment, right before he is stabbed to the cross, Pilate pretends he has power over Jesus — to “free you or to crucify you.”

How Jesus replies is astounding, and it is a principle we’re capable of utilising.

Jesus says in John 19:11a — “You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above.”

God ordains the power for humanity to act — humanity is ‘free’ to act in love or to commit evil.  And in these decisions are the tests of our lives.  We will be called to account on every decision.

God gives us all power to act.  It is up to us whether we’ll use that power to honour or dishonour God.  How we use the power to act that we’re given is the temptation of our heart.  No reprehensive feat will go unnoticed.  Neither will every gracious deed.  God sees it all.  And yet, when we endure abuse, we know most assuredly the abuser does what they do on God’s watch.  

Not only that, when a person partners with wickedness, they foolishly think they’ll not be forced to account.  The wisest life, however, understands that all will account one day.  If that won’t convince us to do acts of love, I’m not sure what will.

Jesus also says in John 19:11b — “Therefore the one who handed me over to you is guilty of a greater sin.”

Jesus knew full well what the chief priests were doing; setting a net for their own feet.  And in both A and B parts of John 19:11, Jesus is reminding Pilate of the source of his power (i.e. it’s not his!) and demonstrating the empathy of forgiveness which otherwise says, “I know you’re in a situation where you’re just an actor in this God-willed pantomime.”  Pilate doesn’t really have a clue.

In our own personal and private situations, where it seems others have power over us, never truly recognising it is God’s power they’re abusing if they choose to lord it over us, we can have peace in knowing, from an eternal viewpoint, that it’s far better to be abused than to abuse.  This might grate, but it’s nevertheless true.  From an everlasting viewpoint.

I hope this is an encouragement to you to face persecution for the glory of God, knowing that, according to the Lord Jesus himself, you’re “blessed,” and you can “rejoice and be glad” (see Matthew 5:11-12), despite what it costs you.  It’s the Jesus way for the followers of Jesus.  Those who say they follow in Jesus’ name yet propagate abuse know Jesus not.

The more we live from a viewpoint looking back from eternity, the wiser and more caring the life we will lead.

There is one thing for certain, despite how infracted we may feel.  People only have power over us to the extent that their treatment of us will have consequences if they abuse us or, worse, abuse and don’t repent.  Every abuse that is done is a failure to recognise who sees.

Photo by Michael Krahn on Unsplash

The spiritual abuse of legalistic Bible application

There are believers who don’t take what the Bible says seriously enough.  There are others who read it legalistically and punitively, much to the point that they read it as if it’s a bossy God who speaks through its words.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Even though there is plethora of people who espouse Christian faith or live by ‘Christian values’ relatively few take their faith so seriously that they intently read their Bibles on a weekly or daily basis.  It’s these who read as if God is real, who speaks through the Bible’s pages, that may misread what the Bible says, reading it onerously, and this will largely be due to the Christian church-world interpretation — which is bigger than a denomination or country; it’s a sign of an age, one that is rapidly being challenged and is ultimately being rejected.

Far too often are all Bible verses taken so literally that the Christian can feel inwardly condemned for not measuring up to God — because they feel incapable of obeying it to the letter.  If it weren’t for Jesus, nobody would measure up!  But because of Jesus, when we accept him and agree to follow him, we are IN him, and the Father views us, relationally at least, as if we ARE him.

Far too often are Christians beaten over the head by a Bible interpretation that simply has no grace about it.  Whether by direct or indirect teaching, or their own lack of Christian identity, or the wiles of Satan as he confuses the believer by having them fixate on thoughts of inherent unworthiness, Christians will make of the Bible a ruthless taskmaster who must be obeyed pronto!

The Bible must always be read through the lens of grace — acknowledging upfront that we are very fallible masterpieces in the making, even as we’re all made perfectly in the infallible image of God.

Very many passages in the Bible are written (as inspired text) to inspire us to action, some of which is repentance.  But if we read the words of the Bible devoid of spiritual revelation — which is what God is actually saying to US in OUR circumstances — we may well do harm not good.

Much of this harm can be done to ourselves, or to others if we’re using the Bible wrong, and sometimes these actions actually enable others’ abusive bad behaviour, which can never be what God wants.

As we read our Bibles, we must take care to interpret it discerning the grace of God as it leads us to wise action.  The last thing that God wants us doing is acting on the words of the Bible devoid of the Spirit.

This means we must be very careful who we let speak Bible words into our life.

Leaders must be watched who teach and apply the Bible literally, particularly when it is one Bible version preferred to the exclusion of the others, especially when they expound verses like blanket rules in the lives of those they teach.  And poignantly when they insist ‘the Word’ be obeyed to the letter without attention to nuance.  They make no room for context, discernment and wisdom — and they leave no room for grace and the work of the Holy Spirit.

When a one-size-fits-all approach for the whole Bible is taught the role of the Holy Spirit is usurped, and disciples become constantly fearful of getting faith wrong, and lose the ability to discern the will and work of God in their own lives.

Bible reading is meant to be a wrestle, not a knockout.

Photo by Samuel Martins on Unsplash 

Legalistic Bible readings, devoid of Spirit and grace, are abusive

There are believers who don’t take what the Bible says seriously enough.  There are others who read it legalistically and punitively, much to the point that they read it as if it’s a bossy God who speaks through its words.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Even though there is plethora of people who espouse Christian faith or live by ‘Christian values’ relatively few take their faith so seriously that they intently read their Bibles on a weekly or daily basis.  It’s these who read as if God is real, who speaks through the Bible’s pages, that may misread what the Bible says, reading it onerously, and this will largely be due to the Christian church-world interpretation — which is bigger than a denomination or country; it’s a sign of an age, one that is rapidly being challenged and is ultimately being rejected.

Far too often are all Bible verses taken so literally that the Christian can feel inwardly condemned for not measuring up to God — because they feel incapable of obeying it to the letter.  If it weren’t for Jesus, nobody would measure up!  But because of Jesus, when we accept him and agree to follow him, we are IN him, and the Father views us, relationally at least, as if we ARE him.

Far too often are Christians beaten over the head by a Bible interpretation that simply has no grace about it.  Whether by direct or indirect teaching, or their own lack of Christian identity, or the wiles of Satan as he confuses the believer by having them fixate on thoughts of inherent unworthiness, Christians will make of the Bible a ruthless taskmaster who must be obeyed pronto!

The Bible must always be read through the lens of grace — acknowledging upfront that we are very fallible masterpieces in the making, even as we’re all made perfectly in the infallible image of God.

Very many passages in the Bible are written (as inspired text) to inspire us to action, some of which is repentance.  But if we read the words of the Bible devoid of spiritual revelation — which is what God is actually saying to US in OUR circumstances — we may well do harm not good.

Much of this harm can be done to ourselves, or to others if we’re using the Bible wrong, and sometimes these actions actually enable others’ abusive bad behaviour, which can never be what God wants.

As we read our Bibles, we must take care to interpret it discerning the grace of God as it leads us to wise action.  The last thing that God wants us doing is acting on the words of the Bible devoid of the Spirit.

This means we must be very careful who we let speak Bible words into our life.

Leaders must be watched who teach and apply the Bible literally, particularly when it is one Bible version preferred to the exclusion of the others, especially when they expound verses like blanket rules in the lives of those they teach.  And poignantly when they insist ‘the Word’ be obeyed to the letter without attention to nuance.  They make no room for context, discernment and wisdom — and they leave no room for grace and the work of the Holy Spirit.

When a one-size-fits-all approach for the whole Bible is taught the role of the Holy Spirit is usurped, and disciples become constantly fearful of getting faith wrong, and lose the ability to discern the will and work of God in their own lives.

Bible reading is meant to be a wrestle, not a knockout.

Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash 

Why loss was for us, a Shining Gift of God

I try not to write on the subject of our Nathanael Marcus because I always wonder if people think, “Haven’t you gotten over him yet?”  Isn’t it strange what my mind would say?  Well, you never truly do get over it, do you?  Losing loved ones changes us.

I wouldn’t be writing now but for the fact that one of my managers has read our memoir of Nathanael’s life, Shining Gift of God, and he was so moved he wrote a poem.  He was on retreat, writing at dusk:

As slowly ebbs the light, 
My soul is graced with the words of a heart-scribe.

He has poured out on pages the sorrows and joys of the little lost life of Nathanael Marcus.

And yet this life is not lost – it has passed through into eternity, to sit with Jesus – 
for us an age, but for him and for God a mere momentary blink before reunion.

What sorrow and what happiness, flowing mingled down.   
A grief observed.
179 hours to compress life-long memories, birthed through
the cool embrace of the precious child.

A tree planted, a heaven day created, 
A legacy provided, an inheritance taken early,
A hope and expectation of eternity in joy.
Together.   

It is well, it is well with their souls.
— Bruce Burgess

What strikes me about the poem is its summative quality — a smooth 124-word composition of a 308-page book.  There are so many significant fragments from the period that Bruce has picked up on, even to remind us!  The joys and the sorrows.  A “mere momentary blink before reunion,” which gives us enormous comfort, for we will go to him and to the others we’ve lost in an instant from eternity’s viewpoint.  179 hours was the exact time Nathanael had between being stillborn and his funeral.  Even the words, “cool embrace,” are significant, because his body had to be kept cold.  We planted his ashes and we celebrated his heaven day on the first anniversary of his stillbirth.  That Bruce picked up on the legacy Nathanael gave is astonishing, juxtaposing it with the paradoxical inheritance taken early.  “It is well...” was our song of the time!

If you meditate on this poem, you’ll get a good glimpse into the heart of Shining Gift of God — what we learned on our journey in losing our infant son.  Notwithstanding the other issues that plagued that time, some that are reprehensibly unmentionable, the true silent grief, God was right there with us every step of the way.

Now if you read the above paragraph and read between the lines you can see two things: in all conflict and grief it’s Satan that tries to confuse, overwhelm, divide and conquer, but it’s God who can give us peace especially because of our loss and grief.  There were both threads going on for us at the time — absolute opposite extremes.

We drew close to God, we had thousands praying, we felt carried constantly to the throne room of God, and yet we felt constantly pressed by an enemy trying to break us.

But nevertheless, we were carried to the extent that we were able to face our grief each day.  We were able to function and do God’s work right throughout, every single day, and still groan and lament throughout.  My wife was the first one to say we needed to be kept busy.  We were able to face uncertainty each day for four months.  We were able to face our deceased child.  So many times, we thought to ourselves, “We don’t have what it takes, help me, God.”  Our Lord never failed us.

The moment we waited in the preparation room to go in for the emergency C-section — minutes before we would meet our stillborn son — we wondered if we had the strength to have our hearts shattered in encountering his limp body and lifeless face.

At every point was God, there, present, in the midst with us.

Loss is a gift, because we can meet God there.  Pain takes us to a place where the divine meets the mortal.  Something mystical occurs.  But we may also encounter God’s enemy there, also, trying to steal, kill and destroy.  The enemy would have us dismembered by grief otherwise, paralysed, unable to recover.

Evermore is it important to cling to faith and to reach up for God in the trial of loss.

Nathanael Marcus literally means ‘gift of God’ ‘shining’.  For us, that terrible season was also one filled with God’s mystical presence — as if Nathanael Marcus was himself the shining gift of God to remind us.

Image: Sarah clinging to Nathanael on our last occasion to see him before his funeral.

10 Sources of Exhaustion You Cannot Afford to Ignore

 

Toward the end of such a crazy year, we’re all forgiven for feeling anything from a little tired to absolutely exhausted, especially if we’re in roles of the giving of ourselves.

Anyone who is a parent or a teacher, a pastor, chaplain, nurse, manager, etc, together with being a child of an elderly parent, or juggling studies or paying off debt, and who possibly has multiple helping and serving roles, will relate. In simpler terms, most of us can relate.

Here are ten sources of exhaustion, which is an adaptation of the work of Ruth Haley Barton’s Invitation to Retreat: The Gift and Necessity of Time Away with God :

1.            Being too plugged in

It’s the curse of the modern social media and email age. Most of us spend far too much of our lives connected to devices. Without tempering this excessiveness of electronic stimuli, we risk burnout simply because we have a fear of missing out (a.k.a. FOMO).

2.           Trying so hard and juggling so much

Few of us truly want to disappoint people, because, let’s face it, even if we’re selfish, keeping people happy makes life easier. We’re often prepared to do more just to keep the peace. And just because we do this doesn’t mean we’re “people pleasers.” It’s often just strategically wise to keep people happy. But the more we say yes, the more exhausted we become.

3.           Functioning out of an inordinate sense of ought and should

This is about listening to our language, or even what we’re saying to ourselves about making needs out of wants. We place a lot of pressure on ourselves. We should do this, or we ought to do that. If you’re exhausted, you know how it goes.

4.           Finding it difficult or even humiliating to receive help from others

It is far easier for us to do things for others than to “owe” people. But if we can’t receive others’ help, we will find life exhausting.

5.           Living more as a performer than the person God created you to be

We are human beings not human doings, but all the same, we act as if all that matters is our performance. I know how hard this can be having had employers that I found impossible to please regarding performance—yep, just didn’t know how. I know that conditioned me to see my worth in what I do and what I have to offer rather than seeing my worth as who I am. God is far more interested in who we are than what we do.

6.           Few or no boundaries on my service and availability to others

Priding ourselves on saying yes to everything is the sure road to burnout. Let me just leave that there!

7.           Always feeling you should be doing more because there is always more to do

There will ALWAYS be more to do, and the more we do, the more we SEE the things that need to be done. We don’t need to be the ones to do what needs doing.

8.           Carrying the burden of unhealed wounds – sadness, unresolved tension or conflict, toxicity in relationships

This one’s loaded. Grief, unforgiveness and untenable relationships will do us in if we let them. We will have grief. We will. We must take our sadness to God. And we must find ways of resolving tension (which takes intuitiveness and courage) and putting in place boundaries in toxic relationships—or ending them.

9.           Information overload

Just about every adult alive at this time knows a world where information bursts toward us like out of a firehose. We need to protect ourselves against the relentless deluge.

10.        Just being plain willful (as opposed to being willing)

This speaks to our narcissism. Yep, it’s in us all. Only the ones who can see it are those who are probably low on the narcissism scale. Most of us know what we want and, if we’re honest deeper down, we insist upon having it. 

The opposites of these are easy to note down:

1.           Establish a routine that is a foil to being plugged in all the time. This is the demand for structure and honesty. If we can’t abide by sensible limits, are we being honest about where the real problems lie?

2.           Stop trying so hard and stop juggling so much. Say no more often and be equipped to say no by preparing answers beforehand.

3.           Function more out of an ordinate sense of could and might rather than ought and should.

4.           Receive love from others, after all, those who want to help us are probably doing so because they just want to love and serve us. Let’s give them that chance and then it gives us the opportunity to be thankful toward them.

5.           Repeat after me, God’s far more interested in who I am than what I do.

6.           Boundaries to our service and limiting our availability to others is wisdom.

7.           There may be more to do, but unless we’re directly responsible, it doesn’t mean we must do it.

8.           We must enter (surrender to) processes for healing our wounds – or at least be honest about these enduring weaknesses and the limits we’re encumbered with.

9.           Limit the flow of quality information and be disciplined to jettison information that is dubious.

10.        Having a willing attitude in reconciling and accepting our individual reality.

Photo by jurien huggins on Unsplash