In perhaps unprecedented experience, we find we are gobsmacked by the unaccountability a narcissist insists upon manipulating us with. They expect they will get away with the assault.
Their actions, though they are both reprehensible and bizarre to the extreme, leave us feeling bewildered, because they act as if nothing happened, and if we rail against those actions, showing that we are deplored, they act out of their “what did I do?” place.
This is the kind of person it is impossible to relate with. And the key reason we cannot relate with this kind of person is they refuse to be held to account. And in refusing to be held to account, what is revealed is their abject lack of responsibility. No obligation do they bear!
They expect to be able to do anything they please. They expect there to be no consequences for their actions. They expect that everyone will accept their behaviour. They never show any contrition. The world must bend their way.
When we are in close familial relationships with such people that refuse their own responsibility, the only way the relationship works is if we take responsibility for their actions. The first time we try that we encounter a problem.
Too many of us have taken too much responsibility, and it has corroded our souls and the souls of those who depend on us. Our difficulty with the narcissist isn’t predicated on us being selfish, it is motivated by relational justice, even though our consciences do backflips — “am I doing the right thing?” and “Is it fair to expect this [their taking their responsibility] of them?”
If we don’t set up relational boundaries, life simply won’t work, and we are not just discussing ourselves; we are also accountable for our dependents who so heavily rely on us and who are so hurt by the one behaving narcissistically.
Relational boundaries will provide the kind of justice that every vulnerable person within the family unit needs. It will refuse from now on to accept the unacceptable behaviour of the narcissist. Even if in doing that conflict rises.
When there are boundaries these are evidenced by the fair and more than reasonable consequences that apply to anyone who crosses them, and yet we definitely know we’re dealing with a narcissist when those boundaries don’t work, when they’re not respected, and when they still insist upon winning and having their way, when they scream blue murder.
Relationships cannot work when it all goes one way, when everyone else is expected to bow to the will of one person; as if that one person is the sovereign.
Relationships can only work when there is an acceptance of the individual responsibilities that we all bear.
One of the things that we need to be aware of as well is how well the narcissist manipulates other people so other people don’t see this irresponsible and unaccountable version of who they really are. When we see this, we can surely know that they are refusing their responsibility intentionally. It is an act of their will, which will surely both upset and anger us. How dare they abuse us and deceive others by coming across as a hero.
Many are the narcissists who have risen in prominence for their expert use of charismatic manipulation. Don’t be fooled.
They will one day face the consequences of their actions. It will be a day of acute reckoning.
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