Just about the worst kind of marriage breakup involves infidelity that comes out of nowhere. Not only is the marriage over before you’ve realised, you’ve lost your best friend in the worst possible way. They not only cheated you in the most brutal of ways, but they’ve taken up an alliance of affection with another person; they share those intimacies that only you were privy to with someone else.
There’s not much in this whole world that comes close to this kind of betrayal.
But there is actually a form of spiritual abuse like this.
There are countless examples possible, but let’s look at two case studies:
CASE STUDY 1
Let’s say you’re close with a leader at your church and they’ve taken you into their confidence somewhat.
They don’t share inappropriate things or maybe they do on occasion. Secrets are safe because “you’re in ministry together.” Yes, this does happen. It shouldn’t, but it does.
At some point down the track some way, there is a conflict that you’re not directly involved in and somehow, you’re finding yourself doubting their motives, and perhaps you can’t dismiss something that’s bothering you. You think not much of it to seek them out to talk about it. You never realise going into it that it’ll be seminal moment in your relationship with them.
The enquiry isn’t appreciated. You thought it best to clear the air. You didn’t expect it to go sideways. Suddenly the point you raised in being transparent is turned back on you.
Maybe they’re casting doubt on your memory. Perhaps they rock you with, “I think the problem is all in your head. Nobody else thinks that. You’re the one with the problem.”
Remember, you now have a strong collegiate bond with this person. You’ve had unequivocal trust in them. You thought it was the same way for them. You quickly learn that they’re ready to burn you (perhaps because they think you’re burning them, but you aren’t). How do you know? Because that is what they begin to do, and it’s rapid.
From close allegiance and alliance, you’re out of the inner circle and ostracised. Others who are part of the inner circle somehow know what’s going on, and they keep you out too. You’re out, with no hope of reconciling matters, and you find yourself abandoned.
Welcome to the reality of being scapegoated.
That’s betrayal case study 1.
CASE STUDY 2
Or, let’s say you’ve been placed under the leadership of a wonderful and anointed spiritual leader. You cannot believe how ‘good’ God is to give you this opportunity.
You relish the prospects of learning from them, and you’re quietly chuffed that such an association brings glory to your profile — not that it’s about you! It’s just so good for your ministry. (I’m signalling an error of motive here.)
You crave a closer connection with this hyper-gifted leader, and over the months and years you count yourself privileged to be brought into their inner circle. They give you some important jobs to do, and because you do them well, you’re ‘tested’ with even more demanding assignments. You do them all with aplomb.
You get to know them, and they, you. You find yourself in close proximity more and more often, and you get to see who they really are. Something leaves you feeling uncomfortable. They’re perhaps warm, charismatic or hilarious, but they lack integrity in the way they treat people or talk about people, and whether it’s what they think, say or do — or combination of these — you feel more and more of an itch to say something.
This case study can eventuate in a number of outcomes depending on your next moves.
But let’s presume any challenges to them are unwelcomed to put it best.
WHILE ALL IS SILENT, ALL IS FINE
There is a common theme with these two scenarios and one of the commonalities is around silence. Whilst you keep your thoughts to yourself, all is well. As long as you serve their purpose, the stream of rewards continues to flow. Don’t rock the boat!
It’s only afterward, after you’ve spoken up, that you see there are people who can and do overlook the moral shortcomings of the leader. They counsel you to be more gracious and more forgiving, leaving you feeling confused as to whether you in fact did the right thing to enquire of the leader.
After all, in your mind, if you were the leader and you behaved in such ways, you’d expect to be challenged. You know you wouldn’t get away with it, not that you’d try it.
What you’re dealing with is a culture of silence around a thin band of issues that aren’t to be raised. There are a few elephants in the room and none of them can be noticed.
THE BETRAYAL THAT YOU’VE BEEN GROOMED
The most insidious form of spiritual abuse comes out of long process of being groomed for the abuse. You were hand-picked and, of course, that made you feel special.
This is where this variety of spiritual abuse mirrors other forms of abuse, particularly sexual abuse. The perpetrator gets close, not unusually through some privileged position that makes the victim feel special, and yes, even selected.
The perpetrator is also not unusually quite a law unto themselves, though they always have the knack of saying the right thing when they want to. They are considered the Lord’s anointed whom nobody can touch. They are not able to be criticised and brought down to the level of a mere mortal. It sounds silly, but this happens. Institutions become very protective of their CEO leader.
The perpetrator gets to learn about their victim at such close quarters over an extended time period. They get to learn what their strengths and weaknesses are, and their pathological minds pinpoint pressure points in their victim that we all have. They then exploit these pressure points, and they provoke reactions they could predict they’d get a reaction from. Of course, they know HOW to elicit a reaction that reverses the role of victim and offender. (Look up DARVO.)
And later, these pressure points are targeted by the perpetrator through gaslighting.
Nobody wins in these cases of spiritual abuse, but it is stark just how a person can be seduced by someone who will use the person until they’re no longer of use, and then they’re promptly disposed of.
Photo by Chetan Menaria on Unsplash
No comments:
Post a Comment