Saturday, March 14, 2020

Some warning signs of spiritual abuse to watch for in a new church

Occasionally I get a question through social media messaging to the effect, “Have you ever written something on...”  Sometimes I have numerous articles or one, other times none.  This answers a specific query.
I’ve learned a fair amount about Christian cults from the global advocacy network I’ve plugged into since the #MeToo and #ChurchToo movements began.  Together with my own direct and indirect exposure to spiritual abuse, and my previous professional exposure to abuse in the occupational health and safety field, I offer you this... some warning signs in choosing your new church.
First, I’ll discuss this in terms of a new relationship.  Then secondly, I’ll encourage you to study the church’s culture.  Thirdly, I’ll outline some of the warning signs of ugly church culture you’ll want to avoid.  Fourthly, I’ll detail some of the good signs to note as you observe and experience the new church.
The Romance or Honeymoon Period
The truth is that it takes quite a long time to see the ugly in an organisation we walk into.  The truth tarries.  It happens like this in workplaces and in churches.  It takes us a while to get over the honeymoon period, where we may then see through not-so-rose-coloured glasses, and where we may be open to the gamut of experiences we have had.
In the honeymoon period, it is best that we are not influenced by either fans of the church or detractors of the church, because we can be influenced one way or the other.
Instead, we should become studiers of the culture, systems and processes of the church.  It’s time to do our research.
Culture, Systems and Processes
In appreciating that culture is everything in assessing any organisation, we need to be prepared to watch for it.  All communities have a culture.  You must be willing to be a student of the culture in the early going, able to observe and learn through reflecting on your experience.
I would advise that you have a mentor who you can reflect with; someone who is wiser than you are who can help you make meaning of your early days in the church.  A mentor also provides the means of some protection and accountability.
Watch for the early signs of a toxic DNA.  That is, a history of dysfunction that follows a similar pattern, like how they treat detractors, how conflict is mishandled, and how the leadership just seems to win all the stoushes that happen.
Watch for the church’s reliance on one or two key leaders. Any church that is reliant on one or two key leaders — where diversity in decision making isn’t spread among the community through consultation — is possibly a narcissistic organisation, that runs to the drumbeat of that leader.  Autocracies are common in churches, but autocracies in churches are toxic.
The Ugly!
Oh, the fun bit!  If leadership is spoken about in terms of how gifted they are, and how blessed the church is to have them, and about how special “our church” is, be a little concerned.
The reality is no church is more special to God than any other.  A narcissistic church cannot agree with such a preposterous thought.  They are, of course, God’s anointed in a particular way that other churches aren’t.  This is not always so overt, so watch for it in the culture.
Toxic churches can be all about performance.  You go to a service and you come out impressed, and possibly gobsmacked as to how good it all was — the greeting, the welcome, the seats, the air-conditioning, the worship, the message, all the transitions, the coffee at the end, how incredibly well you’re followed up.  Can you see how much performance culture has infected the culture of modern church?  There may be whole positions and even teams dedicated to manage your experience for you.
Churches such as these often esteem “the gifts” more highly than character.  They may not say it, but that’s what’s culturally observable.  Where the gifted become idolised, then we have a problem.
Underpinning what I’ve said above, the ugly side of church is the curation of image.  And the real ugly side of that is when a church faces an experience that is the opposite of its image.  Think of churches accused of abuse.  If image is primary, the church won’t transact with the narrative that is disparate to its image.  It will flat out deny the claimant.  This proves how toxic the church is.
Ugly churches inevitably have a swath of disenfranchised people or members who are left in the wake of its abuse.
One of the precursors to all of the ugliness of toxic church is the culture of demand.  A church that is demanding of anything is a church to be watchful of.  If there are problems, leadership should be able to communicate issues proactively and sensitively without being demanding.
The Good!
There are some golden features of any church or organisation that is a place anyone can thrive in.  First and foremost, they listen to criticism, and can transact with negative feedback, and they prove this by taking it seriously enough to diligently act on it.
All good churches are pastoral churches, meaning that they build for the Kingdom, putting the Kingdom first, which is putting people and the loving of people first, and they truly understand the power and necessity of reciprocation, or the Matthew 7:12 principle.
Good churches live out their values, and values are not just motherhood statements.  Their values are part of their operational DNA.
Good churches model the fruit of repentance, and leaders are able to regularly admit their wrongs.  They model they are comfortable with their imperfections, which demonstrates that you are to be home in yours.  They take abuse seriously, and don’t fall for the temptation of protecting their church image in the forsaking of others who claim to have been harmed.
Good churches have the ugly conversations, because they believe deeply and passionately about reconciliation.  (The Christian faith is underpinned by the deeper value of reconciliation.)
They understand that abuse isn’t the worst outcome, but that the avoidance of dealing with the abuse— including denials and attacking victims — is.
Good churches are places where you can be you, and this is because a healthy theology of the grace of God pervades the church’s culture.  When you can be you, you get the feeling nobody is better than you are, and you are valued for who you are.
You may well find that the best churches have both rich people and poor people, young and old, successful people and homeless people.
Leaders of good churches are available, personable, relatable, humble, themselves, and reluctant to be the centre of attention.  Churches such as this are in the “business” of transformation.  They understand only the Holy Spirit can do that; when humanity steps out of the way.

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