Narcissism is seen not just in abuse, but more so in response to abuse

An advocate’s biggest fight is not with those who abuse, but with their own cynicism, and yet we have this fight for the ordinances of the Lord.  It must always be remembered, however, that is it God’s fight!

Here is probably a fairly global truth in terms of what we fight on God’s behalf: 

·          narcissism isn’t indicated so much just in events or patterns of the abuse that takes place, but it is much more noticeable, and much more problematic, in the abuser’s lack of response and oftentimes complete denial or rebuttal of the claims made against them.

Indeed, it is fairly common for abusers to deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.  They do not apologise, they do not repent, and they do not make restitution.  Let me clarify these matters through a recent quote from Wade Mullen:

“Sorrow is feigned,
confession is partial,
forgiveness is exploited,
restitution is an afterthought,
and reconciliation is an illusion,
as long as the truth remains hidden.”

In the peacemaking ministry that I am involved in, we don’t call incomplete apologies apologies at all.  In fact, the only apology that makes any sense, the only time “sorry” means anything, the only time contrition is transformational, is when it conforms to a particular pattern that demonstrates sincerity.

What demonstrates sincerity?  Look to the receiver of the apology; it’s theirs to decide.  There can be heartfelt forgiveness if forgiveness is sought.  The person saying sorry addresses everyone involved.  They don’t make excuses.  They understand the hurt they caused.  They accept they may never be forgiven, but they’re humble enough to ask anyway.  They alter their behaviour!  In apology, the offender is completely at the mercy of the one they hurt.  And that is precisely WHY they’re forgiven.

It is far too easy for a narcissist to feign sorrow and to make confessions that appease people, that sound good, but that have no substance.  It is far too easy to pour on the tears, and to project the image of brokenness, without actually entering into being broken.  And that is for the narcissist who has been caught red-handed.

Narcissists who are still on the run will refuse to admit any wrongdoing.  They don’t care about the hurt they have created, including the ongoing impact of not making amends on the party they abused.  They completely disregard what Jesus said in Matthew 5:23-24, or what Paul said in Romans 12:16, 18.  By their callousness of heart, they cause grieving bitterness in those they betrayed (Hebrews 12:15) which threatens to “defile many.”  They treat the Lord contemptuously and potentially threaten (or deny) their standing among the Lord’s saved (Matthew 18:4-6; 7:15-23).

See how the initial abuse is just one comparatively small part of the problem?  Not that it is small in any way, but for comparison sake, the damage of the initial abuse is minuscule compared with the overall climate of harm created through the abuser’s lack of response, or worse, harmful response to the initial abuse.

No matter how bad the initial abuse is, those who are committed to Christ most often find it comparatively easy to forgive, because there is justice in the confession, in the admission, in the repentance, and in the restitution made.  In contrition there is justice, and appeasement from a merciful heart.

The world stands amazed when four youth are run down on a street by a drunk driver and the driver is forgiven, despite the life sentence of pain that lies ahead for the family.  The world stands amazed when a young person forgives someone in court who murdered their brother.

What about when there is no justice?  What happens then?  There are literally millions more who never receive the justice that God would give them if this world lived according to the divine blueprint.  (Of course, if that were the case, there would be no abuse in the first place.)

Narcissist don’t just abuse.  They go on and continue to abuse.  They double and redouble toxic act upon toxic act.  They abuse at secondary and tertiary levels through gaslighting, and through abusing others who don’t join forces with their agenda or don’t conform to their need of control.  They don’t stop.

Can I say it as plainly as this?

If someone abuses someone and they see their fault, confess and truly repent (i.e. change), they, in my view, aren’t narcissists.  They are fallen creatures like we all are, capable of hurting people/abuse, as we all are.  But it is someone who abuses and then minimises it, or covers it up, or silences people, and never confesses and repents of it.  That’s your narcissist.

Photo by Riccardo Mion on Unsplash