As a Christian counsellor and pastor, I do wish I wasn’t called to ramble on about this, but the fact is these people do exist. They’re in our families, our workplaces, our churches — everywhere.
Many of these people are key leaders or they think of themselves as key leaders.
In the first instance, these people are a real problem to those they target, and to their organisations as a whole, even if the organisation may actually be as narcissistic as the leader is.
In the second instance, people with pseudo leader roles do assert their influence so people assume them to be the leader, and from that position they abuse those they select — usually those who mount some (any) sort of resistance.
Many people have asked me how they can tell whether a person is a narcissist or not. What I discuss in this article is one firm indicator of those who are.
To the narcissist, everyone plays second fiddle.
1. they see themselves as the most important person and they construct systems to reinforce such an image
2. they ensure as far as they can that they project the image that they’re indispensable (which simply aids their objective of ensuring that everyone else is dispensable)
3. they recruit a ‘special’ team of supporters. Those in the purple circle think of themselves as privileged. A lot of this may be unspoken. And some within the purple circle may not even realise what’s happening, even if they do vigorously support the leader at any cost
4. they promote the seductive image of “specialness.” Anything “elite,” “one-of-a-kind,” “next level,” is prone. “Specialness” promotes the image of superiority and it’s simply a lie
5. they inspire fear. It’s not unusual for those who are part of the narcissist leader’s support team to actually be in fear of the leader — they comply and provide support for the provision of their safety, i.e. for peace, which is actually quite selfish, especially if there are people that face the narcissist’s wrath
6. they insist they be protected. I’ve actually heard people, and perhaps let’s say it’s the spouse, say, “You can’t criticise him, because that will make him look bad.” Protecting the narcissist leader is especially a problem when others are thrown to the wolves, as if they’re expendable and the leader deserves princely treatment
7. they get others to say, “If you’re here, you’re here to support the agenda, the ideas, the imperatives, and everything else of the leader. If you don’t do that, there will be consequences.”
8. in the most direct of cases, the narcissist will actually say these words — probably almost to our disbelief! (It’s at these times that our disbelief can play ticks on us, as we may say, “They couldn’t really have had the gall to say that, could they?? The sad truth is, yes, they said it alright — and they meant every word!)
9. they see themselves as right, as being in the right, and they’re not willing to compromise one iota on it. Anything but full allegiance to what is “required” is punished
10. you may never get to hear how the narcissist gaslights you in your being scapegoated, and it is remarkable how much groups and entire organisations can be groomed into believing the narcissist’s twisted and malevolent narrative
Very, very many of our family, workplace/business and church enterprises exist within a structure just like this! It all appears fine to those on the immediate outside, and it’s only those within the purple circle who are situated to see.
Those who choose to overlook the sins of the leader lack backbone, but they keep their coveted place. Those who cannot overlook the sins of the leader are scapegoated.
Notice if you will that I use the word “leader” quite intentionally. Leadership — true, informed, inspired leadership — is nothing about the leader being leader. The best leaders don’t need to project a presence to protect their patch, particularly in family — and the church is truly supposed to be a family.
But the leaders to be watchful of are those who insist it’s their way or the highway.
Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash
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