Beware the narcissist’s deceptions of understanding

They think they understand you.
They actually say they do.
Perhaps you even trust them,
and they go and gaslight you.

They believe they understand.
They really sincerely do.
But they cannot see the deception
in holding to their point of view.

They cannot believe you feel that way.
They say you don’t understand.
And to top it all off,
they cannot believe your gall
when you make a stand.

They really think they know you,
even as they bark and condemn.
They really think they know you,
all you need do is ask them.

~

There’s a paradox of understanding for those who are narcissistic. They feel they understand you, but they themselves feel misunderstood by you. So, every conversation is played on their terms, and understanding becomes a pawn they play for their own advantage. They are never genuinely interested in understanding you.

We can know this via these terms:

It’s the height of arrogance when someone feels like they understand someone or an issue without checking whether the other person feels understood. Understanding another person or all sides of an issue is a very complex prospect. Those who are empathetic know this; they err on the side of caution and are always assuming they don’t understand. That there is always more to understand. Indeed, that’s the essence of humility—“I can’t say I know, so I’ll check”—whereas pride says, “I know, alright!”

But the narcissist has the market cornered on understanding—they think. They’re either completely deluded or they’re malevolently manipulating the person who genuinely aims at the high relational ground of mutual understanding.

The trouble is we have a hard time determining the deluded from the manipulative. One common factor, though: both are stubborn and set like concrete in their view.

Now, there’s nothing abnormal in feeling somewhat annoyed at being misunderstood, especially when the other person shows no interest in understanding us. But it is abnormal for any of us to assume, or worse, be insistent, that we understand a person—especially when the other person is saying, “No, you DO NOT understand!”

Playing the game that says, “I understand,” while betraying what would constitute understanding by their actions, should be an insult to our intelligence. But they trust the deception of a mind game that works against a sincere heart.

Playing the game that says, “I can tell you’re confused,” whilst also saying, “understanding me is beyond you,” is part of a ploy to undo us not just in our mind, but at a soul level.

Playing the game that says, “What are you even talking about?” is cruel, because it feigns the intent to understand without ever having any motive to do so. Perhaps they carry it over into, “I asked you several times what you mean… it’s not my fault if you can’t communicate… I’m trying my best to understand you,” and you know they don’t care.

If they cared, they would work patiently at developing their understanding—they would take the task of understanding seriously, and you would feel supported, hopeful, relieved, met.

But as it is, the concept of understanding is their strategy to exploit. A skilled gaslighter has sadistic fun all the while seeing their victim squirm. You never win. Only they do. It’s a game to them, and it’s doubly rewarding for them to know that the process of sending someone up and over the edge is as much fun as the fall is over the other side into the abyss.

It is sheer bliss in any relationship when parties genuinely seek to understand one another.

Photo by Callie Gibson on Unsplash