Friday, December 21, 2018

Is there such a thing as situational narcissism?

Photo by Laurenz Kleinheider on Unsplash

I have an innate interest in all things people, and particularly the outliers. I cannot hide my amazement and adulation having witnessed those who are paragons of virtue out of the distress of living their ordinary life against the odds. Equally, I’m captivated by those at the other end of the spectrum — those who have innate weaknesses that damage others’ lives; the centre point, narcissism.
Someone asked me recently, ‘do you think so-and-so is narcissistic?’ My reply without thought was, ‘I think we’re all a little narcissistic…’
Now, the truth is my response was part diversion from answering truthfully. Part of that was about who was asking and part of it was about who they were asking about. It wasn’t appropriate to answer with what I actually thought.
But the more I’ve thought about it the more I’ve thought there’s credence to the idea. How on earth can all of us somehow feature narcissism? Well, we are all sinners. And here’s a classic irony for you: the person who feels most insulted in considering there might be some narcissism in them is possibly most narcissistic of the lot.
It is a great strength to be able to bear the spiritual discomfort of wearing your wickedness. We’re all capable of it. We all have it in us. Just think of some of the things you think…
The other fact is this, and the enneagram tool helps us understand this: we all have the capacity to be very healthy, of normal health, and of ill health. Two to seven years ago, for a range of reasons as I reflect, I was in varying degrees of ill health, and I think I was at times during this five-year period situationally narcissistic. I don’t think where I was planted was helping, but I acknowledged that, as Dr John Townsend would put it, I had a pocket entitlement. I felt I deserved to be respected, understood and praised. Sure, I needed these things, as we all do, but they had become idols and I began to demand them. This led to ill health in some pivotal relationships.
It’s only when we get back into better mental health that we see how bad we might have been; and how our behaviours have negatively impacted on others.
I do think that there is such a thing as situational narcissism. I think we all have the capacity to react badly from situations where we don’t feel adequately supported. Think of the Pygmalion Effect.
It goes to show that if we encounter someone narcissistically, surely we can at first empathise and simply ask if their environment has something to do with their attitude and behaviour.
This is not to say that there aren’t full blown narcissists. There are. They’re dangerous and the only thing for these people is boundaries. In many situations, it’s about removing them from our lives altogether. In many cases, it is wise to be rather mercenary about it, something empathetic people find almost impossible to do.
Flowers bloom best when they’re planted in fertile soil. It’s the same with people. Could it just be that some we might see as narcissistic are that way because of where they’re planted? It’s not always the case. But I’m sure it does sometimes happen.

It is a fact that some people, perhaps many in this day, are falsely called narcissists. Let’s save the label for those who genuinely deserve it.

No comments: